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I began using mirroring and calibrated questions I picked up from a negotiations book. I find it to be a very helpful approach that helps me keep the ball in their court so to speak.
More practical is making sure you have account management with relationships at a higher level to put a stop to the abuse.
There's literally a whole book by a Stanford biz school professor about this exact subject. One of my pet favorite tips: pretend you're a research psychologist observing a patient with a rare mental disorder (doesn't solve all of the problems, but at least helps to cope). https://www.amazon.com/Asshole-Survival-Guide-People-Treat/d...
Observe don't absorb.
Your immediate goal should be shield your developers so that they can continue do work without any pressure.
Next, are you clients afraid of you not meeting deadlines or asking something which cannot be added to the product? The reason i asked this because, i had to deal with such customers in the past where
1) Paranoid Customers- Usually i found they pressure you because there is someone above them putting unrealistic expectations / pressure, identify if someone like that exist and try to get a someone higher than your grade level to talk to them .
2) Satisfying Ego / Giving Importance- We found certain situations even though the changes which customer asking don't make sense or they are expecting unrealistic deadlines and feel that we are not giving the enough importance, during these situations getting someone like a director or Vp on call made them feel more important and deescalated the issue.
Go up the executive chain. Someone is paying handsomely for your project to end succesfully and that particular someone will probably not be very pleased when he hears that a project is being sabotaged (== $$$) by two asshole underlings. Use that to your advantage.
This probably isn't the immediate answer you're looking for, but I've found a lot of value in a book called Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss (no affiliation, just loved the book.) It provides practical guidance on the subject of negotiation. However, in reading it you'll find that a lot of these rules of negotiation apply to broader aspects of life. The author, Voss, was a former negotiator for the FBI and wa…
Also, while fully understanding why your client is behaving like this may not always be possible, you can usually get part of that picture; do they want leverage, are they under pressure themselves? Sometimes understanding this can help you proactively short-circuit their behaviour.
The only strategy I've been part of that has worked in this situation is to set up one person as the gatekeeper and shield the rest of the team from any contact with the client. Pick your gatekeeper with care and give them 100% support. Also, while fully understanding why your client is behaving like this may not always be possible, you can usually get part of that picture; do they want leverage, are they under press…
Eventually everyone will hit their limit though, no matter how much support they get, or how well your coping mechanisms are.
Therefore, doesn't it seem useful to find a way to ask clients to behave appropriately/respectfully?
Even if they say "no", at least this opens up clear communication. (ie, if he says "I am _going_ to be jerk, live with it,", then it seems appropriate to openly be protective in return.)
So, I'd just put the cards on the table: treat us with more respect or find someone else.
That usually sorts things out.
Maybe exercise the company expense card and start having dinners / drinks with these folks. They might be less assholish if you wine and dine them a little. Normally, I would say fire them but from the sounds of it you are too far gone. Drinks, breaking bread, and having a few laughs might smooth things over. At the very lease you can eat out at some fancy places and tell the folks at work you are smoothing things ov…