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Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

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Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#161

Post by newnewpdro »

prakhar987 wrote: post #104

I believe being anti social and lacking confidence has been advantageous to me. When i was in college, i was hesitant to go out due to low self esteem and depression. So i would spend my time alone while others had a social life. But during times like semester examinations, i was able to study with no distraction. Today i have a CS degree from a top college and i work as a Quant. To outsiders my life seems perfect bu…

For better or worse, if you take good care of yourself, are debt-free and have money, women will find you.

Do yourself a favor and don't marry the first one out of a sense of desperation, there's plenty to go around.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#162

Post by newnewpdro »

As others have mentioned, exercise daily.

There's a psychological trick to a daily routine of self-discipline. Exercise is a good choice, since it brings all sorts of other benefits in health/fitness/appearance/mood. But a major component of its effect on self-esteem is just the success of sticking to your routine and maintaining self-discipline.

Stupid things like making your bed every morning, are a small success to start your day with. Exercise is similar but more arduous, and hence more rewarding to maintain.

Experiencing success regularly and overcoming adversity is how you build self-confidence.

Another option is to always be learning new things so you're always feeling like you've conquered something via acquiring new knowledge. Being able to look back at the you from a month ago and see how you're now able to do and understand things you couldn't in recent history does wonders for the ego.

The improvements to one's physical appearance regular exercise brings will also help your ego when you look in the mirror or notice members of the opposite sex regularly flirting with you or otherwise checking you out. This last one can be a source of stress if you're introverted and wish to be ignored, YMMV.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#163

Post by raindropm »

jlevers wrote: post #156
jugjug wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What did you specifically hate about meditation?

It makes me insane to sit still doing nothing for that long, which I think is kind of the point -- that you have to sit with your thoughts. But I don't have any issues sitting with my thoughts, I just don't like having to do nothing, and since I didn't see any benefits after a month+, it felt really pointless. So I guess the short answer is, a combination of restlessness and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere.

Well, that’s the point: You ‘expected’ your mind to be ‘calm’, and when your mind don’t do it what you want, you frustrated. Meditation shouldn’t be about ‘forcing’ your mind to be calm, but to let it calm, naturally. Like the muddy water in the glass, when you left it still enough, the silt will go the bottom, and the water’s clear.

What you might do instead, other than focus your mind in your body somewhere(or your breathe) is just ‘observe’ your mind as it is, like when you observe other people. Is your mind confusing?, can’t stop thinking?, fine, be whatever it want. Is your mind calm?, that’s fine, too, but don’t expect it to be calm forever, because it won’t, and that’s also fine. You don’t judge it, you don’t expect what you want to feels because you heard other people said that. You just observe it with non-judgemental, neutral feeling.

In fact, don’t even care about how long you’ve practice it, because that also raise the expectation ‘Why did my mind is not calm even after months+ of practice?’ and it’ll pressure you to force your mind to calm even more. Some day you feel good, some day you feel sleepy, some day you confusing, and that’s ok

— you just did it, everyday.

My mentor said that your mind is like growing a tree, you can’t force it to grow into giant tree instantly. You just water it, everyday. The change is not even noticeable, but after awhile when you look back, you’ll see how much the plant growth.

The peaceful feeling will come naturally when your mind is ready enough.

Good luck mate!

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#164

Post by codesternews »

sverona wrote: post #131

A good deal of the advice in this thread is specialized to the sort of single males that make up the bulk of HN/Reddit/tech. As someone who is neither single nor male (I'm a trans woman,) I wanted to provide another viewpoint. So this isn't specifically in response to the OP, but as someone who has been there, I hope a passing Googler finds it. The people telling you to meditate or do cognitive-behavioral therapy are…

Thanks a lot. That is very helpful. Could you please provide more details and techniques if you do not mind.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#165

Post by thecupisblue »

avtar wrote: post #124
thecupisblue wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I understand the hah and I was like that at first. Then I read the latest research, not believing it was a thing, but a lot of papers show it's a thing. Then I tried it. It actually works.

> Then I tried it. I’m curious as to how you got started. I looked up Marisa Peer and she seems to have a bunch of resources (books, courses). Is there anything specific that you would suggest?

I got started by reading the gateway experience docs and research, then a friend pointed me to Marisa. I went and tried one of her free sessions - so just check out any of the free courses for the issue which bothers you, relax yourself and let her in - the "sleeping but awake" feeling is awesome .

If you're suspicious, check out this paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5635845/

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#166

Post by sverona »

codesternews wrote: post #164
sverona wrote: post #131

A good deal of the advice in this thread is specialized to the sort of single males that make up the bulk of HN/Reddit/tech. As someone who is neither single nor male (I'm a trans woman,) I wanted to provide another viewpoint. So this isn't specifically in response to the OP, but as someone who has been there, I hope a passing Googler finds it. The people telling you to meditate or do cognitive-behavioral therapy are…

Thanks a lot. That is very helpful. Could you please provide more details and techniques if you do not mind.

I'm afraid I'm not a therapist, but here's what mine tells me.

My self-esteem/self-compassion problems are essentially caused by a few beliefs about myself and the world that are flatly wrong. I grew up "profoundly gifted" in a rural area, and as a result was basically socialized to believe that my entire identity and value as a person hinged on how intelligent I was perceived to be (belief #1). This resulted in my always being on high alert, even when it didn't outwardly look like it - I had to perform, had to show off, had to be right or close to it, all the time (belief #2). I couldn't _ever_ give myself a break or show myself basic self-compassion for fear that it would "go to my head" and make me an arrogant prick (belief #3).

More recently, the more I learned about the world and its atrocities, the more I felt like they were things that I couldn't look away from or stop thinking about, even to take care of myself, or I was functionally no different from an evil or amoral person (belief #4). But of course I was too busy having anxiety attacks every time I thought about it to actually _do_ anything about those things, so...

There's more where this came from, but I think you get the idea.

I've had to work on unlearning these beliefs through a lot of CBT and ACT (linked in my previous post). The basic practice is something you can do by yourself - there are plenty of personal workbooks for it, which will be turned up by a Google search for "cbt/act therapy workbook." See also [1], [2].

The specific problem I was having, outlined in my earlier post, is that I had become so attached to these beliefs that I believed them on a sub-thought level even as I fully intellectually understood that they were wrong and unhelpful. Thus, when they started to get to me I would _know_ that they were adversely affecting me, but when I reached out to people I just kept finding different "rationalizations"/ways to express the same thing. We usually ended up arguing in circles.

I think the aforementioned dissociative episode I had was induced by playing this game continuously with my partner and another very good friend of mine over a prolonged period, more than a therapy session would typically last. I don't really know what happened, but what I experienced is described pretty well in [3]. My brain stopped processing what I was seeing or relaying my thoughts to my body. It would've been scary had I been able to feel anything, but I came out of it more able to separate myself from my thoughts, which is key.

A mindfulness practice may also help you with doing the above. See [4].

To be able to move on, I also had to construct an identity that wasn't defined by these things, which I did/am doing by further exploring and asserting my gender. This is beyond the scope of this post, and anyway my experience in this area is probably not applicable to you unless you're trans.

I hope this helps.

[1] http://mefiwiki.com/wiki/ThereIsHelp#Books.2C_Articles_.26c.

[2] https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/SearchResults?an=russ%20har...

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization

[4] https://proactive12steps.com/alternative/

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#167

Post by vowelless »

wafflesraccoon wrote: post #84
vowelless wrote: post #78

Are you a heterosexual man? If so, have more sex.

What a weird comment. One, why does this only apply to heterosexual men? Second, if you're dealing with self-esteem issues getting laid isn't a walk in the park.

I would say it especially applies to heterosexual men by doesn’t need to specifically applied to them. It’s certainly one of the causes for low self esteem among men, especially developers.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#168

Post by hackermailman »

Militaries solve this problem by having recruits repeatedly challenge themselves, doing tasks they think are beyond their capabilities, like repelling off a very high platform or surviving in a jungle for a week. You won't be doing this of course but the more stuff you try outside your comfort level the more confidence builds in your abilities. I would imagine same goes for programming, try to continually challenge yourself in your spare time with things that seem too difficult at your current level of understanding like going through open MIT courses, or join a jiu-jitsu class, hiking club, learn cooking, anything that is a challenge.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#169

Post by ismail »

* below is based on my own personal experience, and journey.

some of the comments I have read below are about “what to do” to increase confidence.

While these are super useful, they are most likely a bandaid, with a scar that never heals. I have come to learn this lesson myself.

There is the “generic” advice that you will find all over the blogospheres “exercise, meditate, take up a sport etc. ” I tried it all. It works up to an extent. But does not really help you generate true self confidence (IMHO).

What I am going to discuss below is not generic(I.e exercise). It is a process you could use that will answer some key questions and is fully customised to you.

Some warnings/tips first:

- This process is super difficult.

- Effectively you have to confront or re-live some of your most difficult memories

- You will initially feel like you aren’t making progress Stick with it

- do not do this if you believe you have serious psychological issues

- have someone you can talk to about this, a friend or confident who could help you make sense of it

- speak to your family(Brothers, sisters, parents ) as well. They could help you Clarify details and lend support .

-This Process has worked for me as mentioned above

- Also note this is a never ending journey. You will always discover ways to improve.

- It’s the first time I am actually writing it down. I use this process as more of a heuristic rather than an algorithm. Take what you need and modify as needed.

So the main question is, based on yours is:

how does one develop a sense of true-self confidence?

The process:

1. Start with a question, as you have.

2. Then reframe the question: ask Why am I.... x

I.e why am I not confident?

3. Start journaling, log and reflect on the times you feel like this. The “why am I...” questions to ask: who, what, where, when, how?

4. Pay attention to your thoughts at these times. Pay attention to your body and how your fee in it. Jot them down. Do this for a few weeks.

5. This is critical: Reflect on your history as far back as you can go. Note down major life incidents, good, bad, Conflicts etc. I prefer to do this visually creating a timeline. Then mapping events, what i thought at the time, who was involved etc. Similar to the questions in your journal.

6. Review your journals/notes and timeline. Look for a link between your history and your triggers/thoughts/feelings/fears

7. Speak to others involved in key incidents. What was going on, how did they see the situation? Is it similar to how you have seen it. What do they remember? Note these down. How did you feel?

8. The key question you want answers for when reviewing your timeline and journals is: What in my past is influencing my behaviour and actions today?

In other words review your timeline and then link to your notes, journal.

I am almost certain you will find it in this process.

If anyone has questions ping Me on email. If this is useful and you get value. Let me know once you have been through it.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#170

Post by jconcilio »

sverona wrote: post #131

A good deal of the advice in this thread is specialized to the sort of single males that make up the bulk of HN/Reddit/tech. As someone who is neither single nor male (I'm a trans woman,) I wanted to provide another viewpoint. So this isn't specifically in response to the OP, but as someone who has been there, I hope a passing Googler finds it. The people telling you to meditate or do cognitive-behavioral therapy are…

SUPER grateful for this perspective. My partner and I are both struggling with some ways in which we have been unable to separate from those "it's always been this way so it's always this way" issues. Rather unrelated to the OP, but I found this helpful.
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