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Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

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Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#71

Post by k4ch0w »

Sometimes I think that's the problem with being a professional coder. It does require a lot of commitment up front to be considered great or a {insert buzzword here} coder. You tend to avoid other things like socializing or picking up new hobbies.

I'd say pick a group hobby that interests you and try pushing through the uncomfortableness of it being awkward in your mind.

When I was struggling with your very same issue I tried improv. It forces you to have to talk with other people. Another thing I did was Yoga, I think just being around other people makes you more confident around people. Group therapy also helps, hearing other's being vulnerable makes you realize other people struggle with this as well.

You build confidence by being competent someone once told me. You can't be competent in something you never practice. If you never go out to socialize, then you won't really be good at socializing will you?

Everyone has faults and I think today it's harder than ever to recognize that. You may feel worthless and under confident, but so might the other person you'd just never know it. Social media does us no favors in this regard and constantly broadcasts the highlights of people's lives rather than their own struggles. You get the impression that you may be completely alone in your thoughts, but you're not.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#72

Post by jacobush »

humanrebar wrote: post #59
tomcam wrote: post #41

I dealt with many of these same situations by thinking it through. Often when I am in a new, challenging situation, I ask myself this: is there anyone dumber than I am who is succeeding in this situation? The answer is invariably yes. That means that I can deal with it through sheer force of will and hard work. It helps knowing that. For example, you say you are a good coder. That’s wonderful. It is something you can…

Given this approach, how do you avoid leaning into the Dunning-Kruger Effect? Or is the point that it's OK to sometimes as long as your expertise actually catches up?

I'd argue it's OK even if your expertise does not catch up. The world goes by without you or I being perfect. It's one thing to strive to be better, but what good does it do if you are paralyzed because you question yourself at every turn?

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#73

Post by throwaw-zxcvbn »

It is not easy.

While at university, I once went to the university shrink and said, look, I have no motivation, I can't get myself to go to the gym and exercise, I don't manage to get a good sleep rhythm, I eat crap, I don't study enough, I have no discipline.

The guy says, well, I know exactly what's wrong and what you need to do: you need to develop more discipline, study more, eat healthy, develop a regular sleep rhythm, go to the gym and exercise, and be more motivated.

No shit! Thanks Sherlock.

So, here my attempt to give slightly more useful advice. I read research concluding that behavioural change can come about through three means:

1. an epiphany (eg someone you know develops cancer, and you suddenly realise what's important) - rare.

2. a significant change in surroundings (eg you move to a different country) - rare.

3. baby steps, but sustained baby steps. Like an oil tanker - you change the direction by just a degree (and even that is hard), but over years you end up at a better place.

The latter is realistic. (Found the source: https://www.tinyhabits.com )

I'd try:

* be compassionate and benevolent towards yourself. Sure, you have flaws, but nobody is perfect. Do not compare yourself to others (particularly not to Instagram caricatures or Nobel laureates or Fields medalists or so). Depending on what motivates you, you could consider this effort (taking care of yourself and being good to yourself) as a duty, or as a challenge, or as a commandment, or an axiom, or a tool. (This does not mean that you should be egocentric and selfish, just the opposite: you have to be healthy and strong so you can better help others!)

* recognise that bias in self-perception is ok, and both overconfidence and "underconfidence" have advantages and disadvantages. Now, for you, it's the way it is, no need to beat yourself up for it, now let's work with what's there.

* read the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. (Someone recommended the Stoics ("A Guide to the Good Life"), but not sure how applicable that is here, though it is a great book. It emphasises the idea that you should not care so much about things, but about your response to them - the only thing you can change is yourself, your own behaviour.)

* set some small goals (just say hello to someone at a conference or ask someone a question in supermarket, wake up at 8am for a week, read 15 mins of documentation every day for something you want to learn, ... ), try your best, and don't beat yourself up if you don't manage one day - just get back on the horse. Just get back on the horse. Take a smaller horse if need be, and get back up.

* check out Martin Seligman and "Positive Psychology", "Authentic Happiness".

* maybe do consider going to a psychotherapist employing CBT.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#74

Post by gnode »

From how you describe this, it sounds like a personality issue (rather than acute depression / anxiety), particularly in that your anxieties relate to your self-perception more so than your situational perception. The most prudent thing for you to do would be to get a therapist (specifically a psychotherapist, rather than a counsellor or psychiatrist, although the terminology may be different, depending on your location).

Rather than simply addressing your symptoms, I think one of the most important things is to understand what's shaped your personality this way. While I expect cognitive behavioural therapy (as others have suggested) would be beneficial to you, I think some amount of psychoanalysis would be very useful in helping you figure out why you have developed the emotional responses you describe.

In preparation, I would suggest thinking hard about any adverse experiences which may have contributed to your current patterns of thought. Quite often these are memories which do not initially seem abnormal to us, and may be patterns rather than isolated events.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#75

Post by negamax »

I can share some tips and hope you pull yourself out of this

1. Mediate (seriously do this to better get hold of your thoughts)

2. Do small tasks that create positive feedback loop. Cleaning your room, feeding pets, etc etc

3. Quit social media

4. Make friends out of your department, or simply meet new people. Sometimes it's some unknown (unnoticed) thing in surroundings that causes these issues

5. Lastly (extended 2nd), volunteer!

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#76

Post by boomlinde »

eeZah7Ux wrote: post #28
hatmatrix wrote: post #3

Spend time to master something. Genuine confidence comes from a sense of empowerment (not entitlement).

Not at all. That is false confidence! Tying confidence and self-esteem to abilities or possessions is called dependence.

It seems only natural to me that the exact opposite is true. What does "confidence" mean, in your view?

Assuming a dictionary definition, "the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something", such a feeling or belief rooted in absolutely nothing is just unrealistic. It's still a form of dependence, the only significant difference being that instead of depending on a demonstrable fact, you depend on an unrealistic fantasy. The latter easily breaks down with a simple reality check, unless deeply rooted in religious conviction. Self-confidence without ability is plain arrogance.

Even if you truly don't tie your self-confidence to your abilities, chances are that you judge others by different standards. I don't confide in others on the basis of their bare existence as persons, and I try hard to judge myself by the same standards that I judge others.

The more important concern is choosing which abilities you should hinge your self-confidence to, and learning to appreciate them and judge them fairly.

Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

#80

Post by saturdaysaint »

I struggled with self-esteem and shyness in my 20's and therapy changed my life. Even if you have a supportive circle of friends, a good therapist can be a wonderful, transformative presence in your life. They can give you refreshingly honest perspectives (in both the positive and constructively critical senses) that you simply cannot get anywhere else. They can help you dig in and examine beliefs that are very difficult to unpack any other way. I'd highly recommend seeing one if you have the resources - just talking to someone once a week for a few months can change how you see the world.
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