Earlier quoted context omitted.
There is a book "A Road Back from Schizophrenia: A Memoir"[1]. Arnhild Lauveng came back from schizophrenia, got a degree in psychology and wrote the book, describing how it feels to have a schizophrenia. She describes doctors too. A bad ones and also those, who helped her to get back from schizophrenia. I believe you would like that book, her experiences are like yours. [1] https://www.amazon.com/Road-Back-Schizophr…
No, the experience was meaningless like life and nothing more than torture. I believe the field will die slowly and my life was worthless. I plan to act on suicide in the near future because of the torture.
By the way, did he disliked you because of your desire to be a woman, or for some other reason?
> I plan to act on suicide in the near future because of the torture.
It makes hard to me to speak with you. It feels like a minefield, one wrong step, one wrong word and I became a cause of someone's death.
I'll try to ignore that. Why are you suffering now? If I understood you right, torture ended at least a few years ago. Some kind of "flashbacks"?