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A guide to difficult conversations

medium.dave-bailey.com

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Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#151

Post by rhgg »

matwood wrote: post #92
weeksie wrote: post #14

It's funny because few things make me seethe like someone talking to me in this way during a high stress moment. The artifice is transparent and if the conversation is tense the tone is quite easy to read as condescension. I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, just that when done poorly it's worse than simply being direct.

Part of communicating is also building a relationship. I should know if you respond to blunt and direct and lean more in that direction when communicating with you. I have worked on remaining calm in high stress moments. In certain situations it drives my wife nuts that she is stressed/excited and I'm calm looking for a solution. What I learned is to reflect back some of her excitement from a stressful situation, but…

Glad to see someone else with the same issue. I've never thought about "putting on" a bit of stress as a way to calm her down. I suppose it's because they feel like they're in the wrong for being the only one who is expressing stress/excitement?

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#152

Post by andrei_says_ »

ericmcer wrote: post #114
motohagiography wrote: post #7

This is a valuable post. I have not taken an NVC course before, but I have done a lot of work in negotiations, writing, and was brought up to use this style of communication. One thing I would be interested in either from the OP or someone with experience with NVC, is how you recognize when you are being patronizing. Much of this communication style is the artifact of an implied power relationship, where the speaker…

Great point. Growing up my mom must have read some book about how to comfort kids. She would always say “It sounds like you ...”. For example: “I hate my teacher.” Would receive a response of “It sounds like you are upset with your teacher.” As soon as I was old enough to recognize the pattern it became an infuriatingly depersonal way to be talked to. Sometimes the lack of “umm, like, just, kind of, etc.” will reveal…

Sounds like she was using it as a technique to calm you down/try ad change how you feel (best intentions manipulation) vs a way to understand you and be close with you.

The words by themselves can feel empty and patronizing.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#153

Post by andrei_says_ »

newacct8086 wrote: post #142
davesuperman wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great question. I use NVC frequently to people with a lot more power than me, and I'd actually suggest NVC is actually about putting yourself (and your needs) on the same level as those of the person your speaking with. The fundamental premise is that fundamental needs are shared by all humans... and the ideal strategy is one where all needs are met. So, you can avoid patronising someone by truly seeking to understan…

"I use NVC frequently to people with a lot more power than me ..." Examples? I'm struggling to understand how one could "frequently" have to use NVC with "people a lot more power". Having to do this frequently itself is a problem with the organization, right?

Any conversation involving appreciation or a request can benefit from the principles of nvc which can be made in natural language.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#154

Post by bergerjac »

vfinn wrote: post #140

It seems his teachings are based on the teachings of Jiddu Krishnamurti. There are some good audio books by him on Youtube, like Freedom from the Known . On a slightly related note, Jonathan Blow also has a talk called Techniques for dealing with lack of motivation, malaise, depression ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7kh8pNRWOo ), where he also talks about the importance of observational skills as a means of under…

Standing on the shoulders of giants...

I've found most "new" teachings are based on past geniuses, with a modern-day twist to compensate for slang or technology...

I took a 10-day meditation course, originally developed by Buddha, and many of the guidelines run through to today's principles... Such as "Observe sensations, without judging, without reacting, without getting excited. Observe."

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#155

Post by andrei_says_ »

dragonwriter wrote: post #98
weeksie wrote: post #14

It's funny because few things make me seethe like someone talking to me in this way during a high stress moment. The artifice is transparent and if the conversation is tense the tone is quite easy to read as condescension. I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, just that when done poorly it's worse than simply being direct.

> I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, But...you should be. The entire problem you relate is about NVC as an insincere, indirect tactic (most likely, to avoid an ultimatum in a situation where the speaker isn't seeking mutual understanding and accommodation but submissive compliance.) NVC as a tactic relied on an implicit lie about the relationship which forms the context of the communication. As a honest tool in a…

Thank you for this.

I was taqught NVc as a quite cerebral language practice but I find it most productive to teach it as a body/emotional/somatic/language practice as the language becomes fake without full alignment.

Ultimately, use it as a tool to move the focus to what’s alive and what’s common in all participants. It is not a negotiation tool or a manipulation tool.

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#156

Post by chroma »

Calling it "nonviolent communication" is a brilliant marketing move, as it implies that not conversing in this manner is violent.

I've seen this style many times in my career, and it always comes off as patronizing. It also tends to be used far more often than recommended. Instead of being deployed in difficult conversations, it gets used in every one-on-one.

My guess is that NVC ends up like power posing[1]: pop-psych that fails to replicate and continues to be espoused long after it has been shown not to work.

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_posing

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#157

Post by freyir »

leesalminen wrote: post #126

I’m generally a good conversation participant, but this week has made me second guess myself. My father-in-law is currently hospitalized after his heart stopped this weekend. He’s currently in an induced coma. Brain damage is a foregone conclusion at this point and they’re unsure if he will ever regain consciousness. My wife and I happened to be on vacation in Costa Rica when this happened. We hopped on the next avai…

I've often seen families get particularly hostile when an in-law involves him or herself with the death or illness of a parent. It doesn't matter whether you're right or what approach you use. They're likely in one of the worst times of their life, and they're not going to be receptive to negotiation tactics.

Why is your wife not having this conversation?

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#159

Post by davesque »

I went through a phase where I was pretty interested in NVC. I learned some useful things mostly have to do with the distinction between observation and evaluation and emotion and thought.

However, I feel the system can't justify its particular choice of words used to describe universal needs and also can't justify the notion that those concepts would apply in any situation. I remember seeing Marshall Rosenberg speak in person once at Naropa University in Boulder, CO. During the question and answer part, one person asked where the universal needs came from and why Rosenberg chose those particular needs instead of others. At first, he acted confused by the question. Then he paused for a moment and finally answered, "I'm not sure. God I suppose. The universe. Whatever you want to call it." What I felt he had done, perhaps unintentionally, in that moment, was to give every person in the room a method to make righteous requests with NVC, not just requests. It made me realize that there's easily a debate to be had about what needs apply in what situation. A person might not be reasonable in suggesting that their needs aren't being met and may develop a really wrong attitude on top of that in viewing their needs as universal (i.e. being righteous and requiring no justification).

Re: A guide to difficult conversations

#160

Post by Zelphyr »

leesalminen wrote: post #126

I’m generally a good conversation participant, but this week has made me second guess myself. My father-in-law is currently hospitalized after his heart stopped this weekend. He’s currently in an induced coma. Brain damage is a foregone conclusion at this point and they’re unsure if he will ever regain consciousness. My wife and I happened to be on vacation in Costa Rica when this happened. We hopped on the next avai…

Don't give up on your brother-in-law. He's making seemingly irrational decisions but look at it from is point of view. His father may be dying. Regardless of his relationship with his father, this is a very difficult thing to go through. And then he suddenly has a lot of responsibility placed on him. He's having to answer questions he's never been asked before much less having given much thought to. He's being told things that he may not understand well or at all (medical and legal). His power trip probably stems from feeling like he needs to be "the man of the family" and be strong for everyone else to the detriment of himself. He likely feels like he'd be perceived as weak if he reached out and asked for help, when that's actually the number one thing he needs to be doing right now.

My recommendation would be make some space for the way he's acting and let him know you and his sister love him regardless, know how difficult this must be, and are there for anything he needs and then, don't say anything else. Don't provoke him. Let him come to you. He may not and if he doesn't, then accept that there is nothing else you can do that won't make the situation worse. But it's just as possible that simply listening to him if and when he talks, almost playing into his power trip, may actually open him up to sharing more information with you.

We humans are such strangely paradoxical creatures sometimes. :) Good luck and I wish you and your family the best.

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