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Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

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Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#131

Post by noname123 »

ericb wrote: post #27
hasenj wrote: post #11

Not from any specific person, but the idea that you have to step outside your comfort zone and do X and Y even though it doesn't come naturally to you. Every time I did that things got messed up and I ended up worse than I was before. If you're outside your comfort zone, you will act in non-authentic ways, and when you're not being authentic, you can't be the best possible you. Examples of stepping outside comfort zo…

As an opposing viewpoint, every major advance in my life has come from stepping outside of my comfort zone and tackling something in which I had no idea what I was doing. -public speaking -asking women out -learning to dance -socializing/making friends -lifting weights -starting a business -doing sales work -learning to program edit: The vast majority of these made me very uncomfortable and awkard, not "a little".

To piggyback off your example to make a point, 1) public speaking: preach to the choir or speak your mind? 2) picking up women: be a nice guy or be assertive about your needs? 3) socializing/making friends: manipulate to get ahead or be loyal and get snubbed? 4) lifting weights: long day at work, go to the gym anyways? 5) starting a business: when to quit your job or when to admit that your project is a dead-horse 6) doing sales work: where is the fine-line between lying and marketing? 7) learning to program: programming before hoes or the other way around? (sadly I took up this ill-advised vocation at an age before I realized the importance of women).

Pushing ourselves beyond the comfort zone most likely reveal ugly truth about ourselves that our ego have been trying to protect ourselves from. I found that what I thought were world's injustices directed at me were really my own insecurities and sheer laziness; or my notion that I'm a nice and considerate person is really sour grapes that I didn't have X; and in the position of getting X, I could be as selfish and manipulative as the next guy who has X, whom I previously vilified. Stepping out of comfort zone reveals who we really are and sometimes the truth is ugly.

Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#132

Post by aikinai »

etherael wrote: post #129

That investing time and effort into the skills necessary to build things with technology is a waste because within a couple of years it will all be outsourced to third world countries and there will be no jobs left in this area for people in first world countries. I should develop my interpersonal skills, design and creative arts ability with a view to becoming a translator between large corporate insensibility and t…

I don't remember if anyone in particular gave me this advice, but it was definitely a prevailing notion around 2002 and it's probably the biggest reason I didn't study computer science in university.

I didn't give up on technology entirely, but studied nanotech instead because I thought that was the next big thing and couldn't be outsourced so easily. Now that's only useful in a few huge companies or universities and I wish I had been programming all this time so I could do my own cool projects without millions of dollars.

Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#133

Post by [deleted] »

il wrote: post #30
hasenj wrote: post #11

Not from any specific person, but the idea that you have to step outside your comfort zone and do X and Y even though it doesn't come naturally to you. Every time I did that things got messed up and I ended up worse than I was before. If you're outside your comfort zone, you will act in non-authentic ways, and when you're not being authentic, you can't be the best possible you. Examples of stepping outside comfort zo…

If you're trolling this post with spectacularly bad advice about bad advice, well done. If you truly believe that, you have a very cynical worldview. I am quite introverted but whenever I force myself to go to a social event where I don't know anyone and make friends, I always have a great time and meet awesome people, and it invariably goes better than I thought it would. If you just assume the people there WANT to…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#134

Post by spirulina »

chegra wrote: post #76

"Quit your job and start a company" - Yep, that totally didn't work out as I had hoped. Stuff that are easy to do when there is no pressure suddenly become impossible. Thinking about it as walking on a board one foot wide on the ground, easy right. Now, put that board one thousand foot up in the air now try walking on it, not so easy now that your life depends on it. For some bootstrapping after your normal work hour…

Amen to that.

Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#135

Post by Tycho »

larrywright wrote: post #130
Tycho wrote: post #89

Stuff they tell you in Sunday school which is impossible/undesirable in practical terms yet leaves a lingering sense of unworthiness about one's own character and a lack of healthy ambition: - love thy neighbour - don't be selfish - don't care about money/possessions - don't judge Oh, and also: install OpenOffice.org

What about those things is undesirable? Leaving religion aside, it seems like all those (OpenOffice aside :) lead to a much happier state of mind than the alternative.

1. Automatically loving thy neighbour (ie. everyone) is a ridiculous notion. You love the people that are most important to you, that deserve your utmost respect and kindness, so of course this will mean you love a select few. Furthermore, trying to think up reasons why you should love any random neighbour would be an exhausting exercise in self-deception. Plus if you don't love people for their qualities, but instead for the mere fact of their existence, then your love doesn't mean anything. So not only does this advice set a near impossible task, but it devalues real love.

2. Obviously being an inconsiderate jerk is a bad life strategy, but it's easy to embrace 'unselfishness' as the reason for not pursuing your talents until you reach brilliance, or not maximizing your earning potential. Most people don't have the energy to live their lives in the service of others (becoming aid workers or whatever), but many dabble in a sort of self-congratulatory mediocrity. Also breeds an unhealthy resentment for the entrepreneurs and geniuses that propel our civilization.

3. Not caring about money/possessions, all the while enjoying the material comfort brought by your parents' or society's wealth, is a sure fire way to end up in a situation when you don't have that comfort anymore. At which point you'll realize that you really do care about money/possessions, because you can't pretend anymore, reality has caught up with you.

4. 'Judge not and ye shall not be judged' is another ridiculous notion. Obviously it should be 'judge, and expect to be judged' - which leads to principles and integrity. Of course Christians want you to have principles/morality etc., but simultaneously to refrain from pronouncing judgement on those that fail to meet these standards. This means the bad people get away with a lot of stuff, and also makes you timid and unsure about what's right. Nothing's anchored, everything's a case of 'who knows what I would have done in their shoes.' Undermines your own will/agency (just say what you would do in their shoes, or what they should have done), and self-esteem (your only a noble person because you have an easy life blablabla)

In short these sorts of teachings make you constantly unsure of your place in the world and encourage poor career decisions.

Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#137

Post by TGJ »

jraines wrote: post #100

"Houses always go up in value" -- paraphrase of David Allen's "Automatic Millionaire Homeowner" which convinced me to buy a place in Atlanta in 2005. Could've been a lot worse, but taking on a mortgage & furnishing a place at 23 was not the best idea.

They do go up. Wait 20 years and it will be worth more.

Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#138

Post by Jach »

rradu wrote: post #128
ronnier wrote: post #122

I was never told this, but I know it is said, and said often that "you can be whatever you want". I don't believe that, nor do I think it's healthy for children to be told it because it's flat out not true.

Why is it not true? As a child, future possibilities are endless. There's no need to set limits so early. I hold firm to the belief that I can do anything I set my mind to--even if it means failing a few times.

Insert story about a kid born to a family with a long history of shortness, say all under 5'6", it is very, very doubtful he will get to be in the NBA on that factor alone.

Though in general I agree, we often overestimate the limits, that doesn't mean there are none, and I'd rather let the children explore than have a path set out for them before they're even teenagers.

Re: Ask HN: What advice messed up your life?

#140

Post by larrywright »

Tycho wrote: post #135
larrywright wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What about those things is undesirable? Leaving religion aside, it seems like all those (OpenOffice aside :) lead to a much happier state of mind than the alternative.

1. Automatically loving thy neighbour (ie. everyone) is a ridiculous notion. You love the people that are most important to you, that deserve your utmost respect and kindness, so of course this will mean you love a select few. Furthermore, trying to think up reasons why you should love any random neighbour would be an exhausting exercise in self-deception. Plus if you don't love people for their qualities, but instea…

I think you're putting an unnecessarily negative spin on these things, and perhaps taking them more literally than they're intended. Here's my take:

1. "love thy neighbor" - Don't waste time hating people. Forgive and forget.

2. "don't be selfish" - Put others before yourself. Anyone who has been in a relationship will tell you this is a good idea, but it applies elsewhere as well. If you manage people at your job, put their needs above yours. It doesn't mean give up any ambitions of your own, but living a life focused solely on yourself doesn't yield happiness either.

3. "don't care about money/possessions" - The basic necessities, like a roof over your head and food on your plate, are fine. Spending your life in pursuit of material possessions isn't going to be satisfying. Having things is fine. Letting your life center around acquiring money and possessions isn't.

4. "don't judge" - You're not perfect, neither is anybody else. It's not about letting people get away with things, but not condemning them when they make mistakes.

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