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Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

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11–20 of 41 posts

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#11
Sorry to hear about your loss. Obviously no one can replace your mentor. However, I am sure your mentor would have wanted to pass down the things they did to someone.

As you go through that process you will find that sooner or later anew pursuit pops in mind that is connected to your mentor.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#12
1) Talk to a shrink. I'm not a big medication guy, so simply having an impartial, 3rd party can help. Plus, they know grief so they can help you find some strategies.

2) Channel your Father. I don't mean in some Psycho (movie) sort of way. I mean that likely without knowing it, you know what your father would have said for a long time. You could likely say "what would he have said" and have him there with you. Sometimes, writing questions and then answering them as if you were him can reveal the answer... and help.

3) Tell other people who your father was. Go out of your way to talk to people and when some advice pops into your head that your dad would have conveyed, relay that. If possible, mentor someone yourself. Passing on experience really lets folks live on. Even if the people you're passing stuff on to aren't related (like a son or daughter), mentoring people is as valuable for the mentor as the person being mentored.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#13
My condolences. My father plays a huge role in my life. He's got Parkinson's Disease and has had it for well over a decade now... it will eventually kill him. So I've had time to think about this. The truth is, when it comes time, I have no idea how I will deal with it. But my father, being the person he is, would want me to live my life to the best of my ability and live it without getting hung up on the little things. The reality is that we all die eventually, like it or not. To honor the memory of our loved ones we should do what they would want and I doubt they would want us to be so stricken with grief as to shut down our lives. I like what michael_dorfman had to say; you are very fortunate that you got to spend as much time as you did with your father. Cherish his memory, always.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#15
My condolences.

I can think of two pieces of advice, from my experience, that stand a chance of being helpful.

(1) Don't expect yourself to respond differently from how you're responding. At various moments in a single day you may be miserable, numb, and surprisingly cheerful. None of these is the wrong response, especially when the loss is so fresh. If you're still feeling perpetually distraught in two years, talk to a shrink. (Talk to a shrink now if you think it might be helpful, but don't do it because you think your response is somehow disproportionate or invalid. It isn't.)

(2) Get used to the fact that this event will place a layer of friction between you and most other people. Hopefully you have one or two people in your life who you have talked to, at length, about what you're going through. Others, even good friends, will regularly say things that feel callous and unsympathetic. Try to be patient with them.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#17

http://fallibleideas.com/emotions

Ugh. This kind of thing is the last thing this person needs to hear.

Emotions are real and powerful. Although they certainly affect thoughts and can be affected by thoughts, they aren't reducible to thoughts, and can't just be waved away with a flick of the mind.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#18
Let me add my own condolences, and reiterate that it will take longer than three months. I'm still affected by my dad's death a year ago (today) after a long and difficult illness. You've got it even tougher, given the brutal circumstances and the suddenness of the rip in your universe.

Mourning takes time, and there's not much you can do to speed up the process. I strongly suspect this folk wisdom underlies the traditional rule that a widow(er) shouldn't remarry before a year has elapsed.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#19
post #12

1) Talk to a shrink. I'm not a big medication guy, so simply having an impartial, 3rd party can help. Plus, they know grief so they can help you find some strategies. 2) Channel your Father. I don't mean in some Psycho (movie) sort of way. I mean that likely without knowing it, you know what your father would have said for a long time. You could likely say "what would he have said" and have him there with you. Someti…

I fully agree with this - I lost my mom unexpectedly in July, and it's been tough. #1 can help a lot - therapists know the right questions to ask to help you start dealing with the grief in a healthy way - everyone is different, and if someone can help you start down your own personal path, it makes the road easier to find and a lot less bumpy.

Re: Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on?

#20
That's a terrible situation. I'm very sorry for your loss.

My father has conveyed to me some enormously valuable things over the years. When his time comes, I think a major part of dealing with it, for me, will be both preserving these things and passing them on. If you can put to paper some of the wisdom he's given to you, and then spread that to others, I'm sure you'd be doing him proud. And beyond that, I'm sure you'd be doing something beneficial for yourself and for us all. Good luck.

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