Ask HN: I think I want a divorce • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#61

Post by throwawayIn2019 » Sat, Jan 19, 2019, 10:51 AM UTC

tomasdore wrote: post #58

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've thought about if I am being selfish. I'm always doing house work, running errands, running out to pick up dry cleaning, etc. I also make all the meals and general cleaning it up afterwards. So perhaps I'm being selfish emotionally.

I don't really get this. Until I re-read this, I thought the point was that you need more time than your wife will let you get. But you can outsource these chores simply by hiring help. That will provide jobs to others and it's clear in your comments that you can afford it, particularly if you earn more from work done in the time you save. Regarding selfishness, it's good to do chores, sure. Dutiful. But the kids you…

Thank you for commenting. I'm pretty attached to the kids, I think. They tend to flock to me. The oldest (still under 18 months) will only let me put her to bed. But interestingly enough will only let my wife feed her.

Thank you for the Wiki link. I will read it.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#62

Post by throwawayIn2019 » Sat, Jan 19, 2019, 10:57 AM UTC

why_do_you_ wrote: post #55

Why do you have such a profound desire to work? In my life, this has been a coping mechanism. A way to ignore deeper personal problems. I have spent thousands of hours retreating to a fantasy world of code where I am in total control. The more time I spend here, the more I want to stay. This entire process started at an early age for me. A poor childhood. I turned inward. No friends. My validation and meaning came fr…

Perhaps. A very poor childhood. A product of foster care. I paid my way through school by working 3 almost full-time jobs at the same time plus school. This made me just keep going every day regardless. But working so much gave me no time to do anything I wanted to.

Fast forward to now. I'm over 40. I have loads of things I wanted to accomplish by now. Every day I start out at 4:30am good but once the wife and kids are up. There goes my productivity.

Plus, coding is all I have ever done. I started with c++ at 13 and to sit and write code for my own goals just brings me so much happiness. To see it working, see others using it. Hell, even banging my head against the wall solving problems makes me happy.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#63

Post by AnimalMuppet » Sat, Jan 19, 2019, 9:20 PM UTC

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #48

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, on one level, you're not. If you're doing house work, cooking, and cleaning up, you're doing better than many of us. And yet, the way you speak about your marriage (and your reasons for wanting a divorce) still strike me as fundamentally selfish. Perhaps emotionally selfish, or perhaps that you're thinking about your marriage from a fundamentally selfish perspective. I'm having a bit of trouble putting into wor…

I don't view it as selfish. Maybe I need to think that way for a change. I view it as growth. Ensuring if I need to find a job I can. Putting out the next game that keeps food on the table (so to speak, we aren't in any danger of that). Plus, she goes out with friends and shopping. It's sort of her outlet. Mine happens to be the coding for making a living and ironically an outlet. If you think of more words, write th…

This is late enough that I'm not sure you'll see it, but...

I would define love as "choosing to do what's best for the other person". I can't reconcile that with your reasons for wanting a divorce. Your focus is on you, not her. That mindset is what seems selfish to me.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#64

Post by tabhygfr2 » Sun, Jan 20, 2019, 4:00 PM UTC

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #61

tomasdore wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't really get this. Until I re-read this, I thought the point was that you need more time than your wife will let you get. But you can outsource these chores simply by hiring help. That will provide jobs to others and it's clear in your comments that you can afford it, particularly if you earn more from work done in the time you save. Regarding selfishness, it's good to do chores, sure. Dutiful. But the kids you…

Thank you for commenting. I'm pretty attached to the kids, I think. They tend to flock to me. The oldest (still under 18 months) will only let me put her to bed. But interestingly enough will only let my wife feed her. Thank you for the Wiki link. I will read it.

I... wow. That you think it's OK to leave a perfectly salvageable marriage (My wife and I get along great. I love her. We have fun together.) when you have (or are primary guardian of) children this attached to you is... Ask yourself, are you a man? Will you accept the responsibilities that have been placed upon you?

(I'm not completely unsympathetic, but I think you need to think harder about the full consequences of your actions on those around you.)

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#65

Post by happppy » Mon, Jan 21, 2019, 12:02 PM UTC

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #50

happppy wrote: post #33

This passion will fade one day and you will have nothing but regrets. Sorry but this is the truth.

I think about this too. Is this a temporary feeling? My wife read your comment and said "I don't know if your dedication would fade." She remembers when we were first together and I was selling my software off to a company. I had only been in Silicon Valley for 2 weeks when we met. I hadn't ever had a Starbucks and for some reason I walked by one and stopped in....what a cute Barista. Thank you. I think I need to rea…

This may not be temporary. Your might not fade but there comes a point in your life when you can't fulfill your passion like old age, or some accident(I shouldn't say this) and at this point, you will need your wife or vice versa. So look for workarounds.