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Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

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Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#31

Post by AnimalMuppet »

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #26
AnimalMuppet wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Who do you want to be? Do you want to be a guy who keeps his word, or do you want to be a guy who gets to work on his projects? Look, I get wanting to work on your stuff. And I get how crazy it can make you when you keep getting interrupted. (Like, I get it from direct first-hand experience. " Please stop reading the internet to me. You're destroying all the space in my brain.") But, bluntly, you sound like a very se…

I've thought about if I am being selfish. I'm always doing house work, running errands, running out to pick up dry cleaning, etc. I also make all the meals and general cleaning it up afterwards. So perhaps I'm being selfish emotionally.

Well, on one level, you're not. If you're doing house work, cooking, and cleaning up, you're doing better than many of us.

And yet, the way you speak about your marriage (and your reasons for wanting a divorce) still strike me as fundamentally selfish. Perhaps emotionally selfish, or perhaps that you're thinking about your marriage from a fundamentally selfish perspective. I'm having a bit of trouble putting into words why I think that, though, and how I think you should be different. So, maybe not much help...

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#32

Post by quietthrow »

Dear ThrowawayIn2019,

I sympathize with your situation. Before you can get meaningful advice can you post how have you taken responsibility for the situation you are in?

My $0.02 - you should seek marriage counseling or help from a professional rather than a community that you irrationally feel close to but in reality does not know anything about your and more importantly your kids and wife’s situation. I think your wife and children deserve more than that for an outcome that could be life altering for everybody involved.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#34

Post by true_religion »

It may be going against the grain here, but you should get a divorce.

You have talked to her and she says she is "okay" with a divorce so she too can do her own things, thus there is nothing really keeping you two together except inertia.

Stay friends, live separately, and wait out the year before finalizing your divorce.

I was in your same situation 2 years ago; I had reached a plateau and wanted to lock myself away like I used and simply work on my ideas. I contemplated that I would never be able to do such a thing whilst married. In the end I decided I wanted to be married, and the only reason I was flirting with the idea of separation was the irrational belief that I couldn't do X whilst married.

You certainly can lock yourself away whilst married. Will it hurt your relationship? Yes, yes it will, but it won't damage it irreparably any more than going on a long overseas business trip or being deployed with the military for months. It puts a strain on everything, but its survivable so long as---you both want to be married to each other and can't stand the thought of divorce yet.

If you want a divorce, and she wants a divorce, then regardless of the reasons there is nothing to work on---just let the relationship dissolve as it is unwanted. Just be aware, that you won't just be losing your wife here---you'll be losing your best friend and you have to ask if you have enough friends to lose that one.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#37

Post by bengunnink »

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #36
bengunnink wrote: post #15

Don't ask the peanut gallery. Go see a marriage counselor.

A marriage counselor is just one person. The peanut gallery is more people giving advice from different perspectives.

A marriage counselor is someone who is trained in dealing with your particular problem.

Would you walk into, say, a car dealership and ask for programming advice? Or would you talk to someone who programs for a living?

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#38

Post by throwawayIn2019 »

bengunnink wrote: post #37
throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A marriage counselor is just one person. The peanut gallery is more people giving advice from different perspectives.

A marriage counselor is someone who is trained in dealing with your particular problem. Would you walk into, say, a car dealership and ask for programming advice? Or would you talk to someone who programs for a living?

I totally see your point.

Technically if you asked enough car dealerships the same question you will get a mixture of right and wrong. If you ask just one you get just one answer, is it right or wrong?

I think your main point of seeing one is valid. We should consider doing that.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#39

Post by throwawayIn2019 »

aprdm wrote: post #29
throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How did you and your SO start talks about getting divorced?

Hmm one year and a half before separating we recognized that we needed to improve our "romantic" life, some stuff was tried from both sides and ultimately we decided that we didn't see each other as "lovers" anymore but only as friends and it would be for the best to not try to be married anymore.

It's always baffled my why a "romantic" life needs to be so hard for both parties to agree how it should work. You just do it. You make it a priority.

Yet "romantic" life is a huge issue for so many married couples. If I asked every one of my couple friends I get I would get a 100% or at least 99%.

Thanks for sharing. Helpful.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#40

Post by asdkhadsj »

altairiumblue wrote: post #22

> She says she wants me to be happy, that I'm a great husband and if this is what I need to do she understands. If she's really understanding about separation (but presumably also wants to be with you), she will also be understanding about managing your time spent on work or with her. Figure out how to manage this and still be a good husband. > Married for over 10 years. ... we do care full-time for 2 kids. My wife a…

Agreed. This would be a different story if she was making you choose between work and love, but she sounds supportive. I highly doubt any project is worth rushing to extreme lifestyle changes, killing relationships with no known gain.

Work with her, try to get what you both need. Communicate.

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