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Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

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Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#11

Post by ytNumbers »

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #4
cimmanom wrote: post #2

It sounds like you’re on the fence, so you must also have some reasons you’re considering staying married. What are they?

I love her. I promised "till death do us part" and I feel bad that after all this time I want to do my own thing. I know she will move back home and I may never see her again. She doesn't like to live alone.

Pick an upstairs room to do your work in. Put a big sign on the door that says you may only knock on the door if the house is on fire. When you're ready for a break from working on your project, then open the door. Anyone who ignores the sign gets an immediate "Hey! Can't you read?!!"

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#12

Post by throwawayIn2019 »

davismwfl wrote: post #9

I think you need to think about things more. Locking yourself away for days to code isn't healthy for anyone, whether you are 20 or 40 doesn't matter. There are ways to treat snoring, she can go to the doctor and figure that out. In fact, her snoring could be sleep apnea or similar causes and be life altering for her. At least based on what you wrote here you don't deserve a divorce yet, you haven't earned it. You ar…

Thank you for taking the time to write this.

The thing is she is ok with a divorce too. She has things she wants too. It would be uncontested and I think we just need to file in court. No need for attorneys.

Snoring: We have tried everything. Weight loss, exercise, no alcohol. I started wearing ear plugs and a mask. She had a CPAP machine too. She just doesn't stick with any of it.

Earning a divorce: I'm not sure how to answer this. I need to read what you wrote a few more times.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#13

Post by seren »

It understand that you are missing is some free time to have a more fulfilling life. And I somewhat share the same urge to have more free time to pursue some technical endeavors.

Luckily, I have a few weeks every year when my wife is in vacation with the kids away from home while I keep working. So I have absolute freedom again for a short time !

So yes, the first few days I use my free time to look at some technology or experiment that are on my backlog and this is great and I do enjoy it.

However, depending on how frantic the day is at work, I generally don't have enough stamina to sustain a full day work, followed by a few hours of self study at home. So basically after 1 or 2 hours, I quit and go to bed. And after a few days, enjoying my free time, the excitement subsides somewhat, I get bored and I miss my family.

So basically, what I concluded, that even if magically I was free of all family constraints, I wouldn't probably be coding all the time, and likely more miserable.

In your situation, before triggering the divorce, I would at least try to negotiate with your wife to try to have a week/a month with more free time, eventually away from home. It is possible you will not enjoy it as much as you think you would.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#14

Post by seeker61 »

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #10
seeker61 wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In other words, she doesn't respect the deal she made with you.

I honestly think she just doesn't know how. I don't think she is trying to be dis-respectful. She just needs that close personal contact and interaction through out much of each day. Our goals in life are very different. The way we work is very different.

I suggest that you re-read the things you've written about her with the following question in mind: "Am I making excuses for her behavior?"

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#16

Post by ytNumbers »

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #12
davismwfl wrote: post #9

I think you need to think about things more. Locking yourself away for days to code isn't healthy for anyone, whether you are 20 or 40 doesn't matter. There are ways to treat snoring, she can go to the doctor and figure that out. In fact, her snoring could be sleep apnea or similar causes and be life altering for her. At least based on what you wrote here you don't deserve a divorce yet, you haven't earned it. You ar…

Thank you for taking the time to write this. The thing is she is ok with a divorce too. She has things she wants too. It would be uncontested and I think we just need to file in court. No need for attorneys. Snoring: We have tried everything. Weight loss, exercise, no alcohol. I started wearing ear plugs and a mask. She had a CPAP machine too. She just doesn't stick with any of it. Earning a divorce: I'm not sure how…

If you're uncertain whether or not you've earned a divorce, then you haven't earned it. If you choose to begin the divorce process, your wife will suddenly be hugely financially incentivized to take steps to make sure that she gets the maximum amount of money from you. You will likely be amazed at how different her attitude is once you begin to divorce.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#18

Post by davismwfl »

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #12
davismwfl wrote: post #9

I think you need to think about things more. Locking yourself away for days to code isn't healthy for anyone, whether you are 20 or 40 doesn't matter. There are ways to treat snoring, she can go to the doctor and figure that out. In fact, her snoring could be sleep apnea or similar causes and be life altering for her. At least based on what you wrote here you don't deserve a divorce yet, you haven't earned it. You ar…

Thank you for taking the time to write this. The thing is she is ok with a divorce too. She has things she wants too. It would be uncontested and I think we just need to file in court. No need for attorneys. Snoring: We have tried everything. Weight loss, exercise, no alcohol. I started wearing ear plugs and a mask. She had a CPAP machine too. She just doesn't stick with any of it. Earning a divorce: I'm not sure how…

Yea, I get she is ok with a divorce right now. But once her friends and family start talking to her they will convince her to talk with an attorney to “protect” her interests. Frankly I would totally encourage you to do so too.

Divorce seems so simple on the face of it but I promise it gets complicated fast.

My ex and I had everything negotiated too until her mom and a friend got in her ear. We even had what was fair child support setup and already working. Than it turned into a battle after she talked with them.

As for earning a divorce. It means different things to different people overall. But to me it means you both have exhausted all practicle means to fix things and have put forth real effort for a sustained time. If you do this than that is when divorces usually are pretty easy because both of you know you put your all into trying.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#19

Post by towaway1138 »

I've been married (or the common law equivalent) three times, each about ten years. (edit: no biokids either) I can definitely relate, and you have my sympathies. That said, what you've said doesn't sound like a very bad situation to me (perhaps because mine seemed quite a bit worse).

Regarding "friends", you don't say it, but are you having regular, reasonably enjoyable sex? If not, and it's due to her refusals, I'd leave. If so, she's a friend, or perhaps an adult child, not a wife. One can imagine medical exceptions, etc., but if she's not at least giving mercy handjobs, it's over.

Regarding "goals still in life", everyone differs, but I think later in life, those goals won't seem very important, compared to family. I had such goals, and even some minor successes you might have heard of. But ultimately there's no there there. Everything technical that you work on will be dust very soon. Read Ecclesiastes and absorb the lesson. (The common versions are hard to read, but there's a modern paraphrase that's very readable: Nothing New Under the Sun: A Blunt Paraphrase of Ecclesiastes by Adam S. Miller.)

Beware that there's almost no limit to how bad a divorce can turn out. Two of mine were very unpleasant. The third almost killed me, and arguably ruined my life. Your wife might turn vicious in a divorce--it happens. I work a full time tech job, and after alimony and taxes, I'm left with about US$4000 per year to live on. I supplement this by drawing from retirement accounts, with the 10% penalty. I'm not rich, so this stings. Other parts of the divorce, harder to describe here, are far worse.

Regarding interruptions, can you just go to a library or something and work there for a few hours at a stretch?

Finally, someone mentioned "earning" a divorce. I don't think this frame is productive. If your marriage is not working for you, and there's no reasonable chance that will change, you have the right to leave.

Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: I think I want a divorce

#20

Post by AnimalMuppet »

throwawayIn2019 wrote: post #4
cimmanom wrote: post #2

It sounds like you’re on the fence, so you must also have some reasons you’re considering staying married. What are they?

I love her. I promised "till death do us part" and I feel bad that after all this time I want to do my own thing. I know she will move back home and I may never see her again. She doesn't like to live alone.

Who do you want to be? Do you want to be a guy who keeps his word, or do you want to be a guy who gets to work on his projects?

Look, I get wanting to work on your stuff. And I get how crazy it can make you when you keep getting interrupted. (Like, I get it from direct first-hand experience. "Please stop reading the internet to me. You're destroying all the space in my brain.")

But, bluntly, you sound like a very selfish person. You're measuring things only by the yardstick of what you want[1]. You need to start letting marriage change who you are, change you into someone who cares more for people than for things and projects. (In fairness, that took me a lot more than ten years.)

Don't throw your marriage away. If you do, for the reasons you said, I think you'll regret it. Instead, work on improving it, both from your perspective and from hers.

[1]: Yes, you've said that you asked her if it was OK with her. I think there are three possibilities: She's trying to put a happy face on it for you, she's mistaken about how much it's going to hurt her, or she's also unhappy in the relationship.

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