Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

Tell your parents and family that you love them and want them to be proud of your choices in life, but that you're (insert more determined way of saying "just not feeling it right now").

You're enjoying your work out, so plan something major and physical. Hike the Pacific Crest Trail [1] or part of it. That'd chew up some time and give you space to clear your head.

I felt my parents had high expectations of me but was disillusioned and disinterested when I started university (engineering). I quit within six months of starting but hid it from my parents, truth eventually came out, and it took me another year or so to really find my place. I worked a year or two somewhere mediocre, built up some freelance work on the side and then started the business I still run today. That was in 1998.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pacific_Crest_Trail

I'm 28 now and just recently got through almost the exact situation you are describing (diploma came in the mail yesterday).

So yes, I started off at college in Computer Science, figured out after about a year and a half that while programming is awesome (as evidenced partly by the fact that I hang around on this web site), the CS major at my school was significantly more hardcore about it than what I had imagined, and there was no way I was going to get myself to finish it. On top of that, although for the first freshman semester I had managed to be pretty social, by year 1.5 I was didn't really have many friends anymore other than a few people in my dorm, who were more like acquaintances than anything else. What I did to get out of that mess was largely trial and error, but I'll tell you what I can and hopefully it will help.

First thing I did was switch out of Computer Science. If you find that you've lost passion for your major, and you're certain about it, you'll be better off finding something you are passionate about, or at least somewhat interested in. I switched to Creative Writing, but continued taking CS courses on the side as part of a plan to get CS as a minor, but I didn't end up following through with that part. Of course now, having received my Creative Writing diploma, I'm not actually as passionate about that as I originally thought I was.

So while finding something you're passionate about is important, the bigger part is the self-esteem/social issue. I know that a lot of people will tell you that being introverted is fine and okay, but if you're introverted and your self-esteem is low, then that puts you between a rock and a hard place. This was the hardest issue for me to crack, and it took me the next 4.5 years out of my 6 total years in college (the latter 2 mostly part time).

Eventually what I did is that I also went to the counseling dept at my university and I was fortunate enough that it actually was somewhat helpful. It sucks that yours seems to have let you down, so my suggestion would be to try to ask them for some kind of referral to an external counselor, hopefully within your health insurance plan if you have one. Having a real live person that you can talk to about this stuff on a semi-weekly basis can be invaluable. I moved on from my college counselor to someone at a local clinic, and I still go to see them even though I would consider myself now to be in a much better headspace.

The second thing related to this that I would recommend is to try to make new friends by trying out some different clubs. I was able to finally find a solid group of real life friends almost by accident, when a new roommate suggested I go to the tai chi class he was going to. I figured what the hell, but now the people I met at that class are among my closest friends. The important difference is that these aren't just 'entertainment friends' -- people you hang out with for fun or going out. If for whatever reason I end up back in a self-esteem pit, I have no doubt that they would come over to my house and figure out how to get me out of it. Ironically, the 'find friends by joining clubs' thing was one of the things my parents had been suggesting to me since year 1.5.

The last thing I want to say, and maybe the most important thing to impress on you, is that there is no 'quick fix' for this kind of situation. It took me 4.5 years almost to get from the realize-there-is-a-problem stage to where I am now. It doesn't have to take as long for you, but don't expect to get this completely turned around in 6 weeks, or even 6 months.

Good luck!

I don't want to sound like I am defending your employer, but I just want to provide another perspective with the sincere wish to help you:

* Unfortunately internship does not reflect real work environment. In a "real job" there's always that 20% of stuff we hate to do but it needs to get done (this is also true in start-ups), while 80% is moderate-to-cool stuff. In an internship pretty much 100% sucks, but maybe you were expecting a lot more of cool stuff to do?

* It sounds like your supervisor didn't have enough time to handle/train you. Assigning work to new employees (not only interns) always require a certain amount of internal training. The job of an intern is not to complete work, but to learn. It looks like he asked you to see other employees so you could learn from them first, before getting more work. This is a common practice, it's called "shadowing". Did you learn anything from the employees you observed?

* The clothing and stuff... It's stupid but sometimes it's necessary to follow certain rituals so you "fit in" (that's also true for start-ups or any other social structure). Eventually you will earn the "privilege" to dress-up as you wish.

I understand the chaos you are going through.

Given that you are intelligent, perhaps some mental exercises are in order. Granted your emotions are not where they "should be" but you can try to reason them out using logic and realize they can mislead you.

First is the issue of perspective. The pressure you are feeling is probably normal given the societal, familial, and personal issues you have. Realize that this pressure will lessen over time as you gain more mastery over your life; resolve now to wait out this pressure, as it will take time to resolve.

Second is the issue of control, or loss of control rather, that you are feeling. This is completely normal, but it is still unsettling. Perhaps writing down a list of things that bother you, then figuring out which issues are easiest for you to change, would be a good idea.

Third is the issue of being introverted.

You recognize that you are introverted; while I do not expect you to ever become an extroverted fighter pilot / celebrity / jock, there ARE ways to remain yourself, yet learn stratagems to better interact with people that do not involve being false.

I recommend you view starting and then making conversation as a pleasant game, the rules of which you do not yet fully know. There are many ways and methods to learn this, find one that works for you.

Consider that there may be cases where your being introverted comes off to other people as being standoffish, nerdy or difficult to talk to, or even just plain dull and boring. There is a way to be yourself that also results in people being comfortable being around you.

Lastly, I do recommend finding a counselor; but, do not go to the school ones as they are probably useless. If you can, try to find someone older who has gone through similar things as you - since you mention that your family is traditionally Indian, perhaps a local successful Indian businessman, engineer, etc. would be willing to help be your mentor. Any chance a relative or family friend who will be discreet about what you tell him, is available?

Best of luck in any case.

As someone who has struggled with some of the same things, I can sympathize. However, I really think you need to toughen up a bit. Not everything that you do will be laden with meaning or will feel terribly fulfilling. It seems like you want to feel something deep and meaningful as a sign that you're on the right track in life. I've only had that feeling after putting in years of work and dealing with uncertainty, periods of depression and frustration, and generally just hanging in there.

Speaking for myself, those times that I have dropped out of things, I've felt regret and it hasn't helped my confidence. It probably would have been better to hunker down for five more weeks and deal with the discomfort.

Chances are you do know what you're passionate about and you're simply not listening or you've tamped that part of yourself down. You're obviously bright and introspective, when's the last time that you really felt excited about learning something in class or starting a project? Do you daydream about music, art, or architecture?

Anyway, good luck.