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Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

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Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#1
I am 20, in college, and majoring is mechanical engineering. I (used to) do some hacking (building web sites, wordpress themes, html, css, js) on the side. Started as a hobby that could help me make money in HS, and it picked up from there. I made some money, and I guess got high headed. This is a throwaway account, but I have been on HN for a while (1.5 yr+). Its a great community and a lot of what I have learned here has proven really helpful. I have read a fair share of posts from people that are in situations not as great as mine who have asked for help, advice, about life/depression/suicide, to whatnot. I have benefited a lot from some of the advice that has been doled out to introverts.

Back in school I thought I knew what I wanted to do, but now I am utterly clueless. I interned for a big company last summer, and utterly hated the experience, so much that I quit 5 weeks into the 10 week program. I was just uncomfortable with the whole experience, and I was very self conscious all the time, even though, I was working more efficiently, and delivering better work than my co-interns. (not to sound cocky, but true).

Here is my problem. I am a junior in college now, and I have no idea with regards to what I want to do. I have lost interest in classes (this actually happened a while back), but I do not want to/ cannot drop out, because I have no clue as to what I would do, so basically I am just dragging through school, and it all seems kinda pointless. I am Indian (expected to take care of my parents, sister, and be a responsible son) so a lot is expected of me, another reason that I cannot quit school. I haven't really been able to talk to my parents, and such about all of this, and other than that I am an introvert, and don't have much friends that I can talk to. I have a few friends in college from clubs, etc. but that is it, and I liked spending time alone, but now every-time I am by myself, I keep thinking about all of this ^^. that I have no freaking clue as to what I am doing with my life, and am essentially bleeding time. I do not enjoy my major, and my self esteem / self worth is at an all time low. I guess I could say that I am even losing all motivation to go to classes, and that isn't helping either. I run / workout for 45-60 minutes everyday, and that is the highlight of my day, because for a while I am able to feel good, but then this whole viscous cycle kicks in.

I have been to the college counseling center and that wasn't much help either because the lady I talked to the first time was just either stupid or trying to just waste my time. It wasn't beneficial, so I did repeat this process again with some other counselor, and though he was better, his suggestions still didn't help much. He suggested that I join the group counseling for international students, which was an utter waste of time.

Thing is that I am in control of most of my actions, just that my motivation is not there to kick in when I start to lose the grip on the situation, and start reassessing myself, and start the process of re-evaluating what I need to do. I don't know whether something is wrong with me, or whether this is something that is part of the process of entering adulthood, but life is in utter chaos, and I could use some advice/help. If you have been in a similar situation, or could help me figure out a process to get my life back on track, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks in anticipation.

*throwaway account

EDIT: US College

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#2
I'm not a therapist, but it seems to me that you should focus on what you're passionate about. It sounds like you're having a problem with other people (society, parents, etc.) telling you what's important in life and you're not buying into it. Good for you! It sounds like you're in the midst of a quarter-life crisis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis).

Stop thinking that "what to do with your life" is a choice that you have to make. Just do stuff. When something doesn't make you happy, drop it. When something does make you happy, double-down on it. When it stops being fun and starts being work, find something else to do.

The one thing that jumped out to me is that your daily exercise routine energizes you and makes you feel good. Why not pursue that? Find a way to do more of what you love and less of what you don't. Instead of being paralyzed by feeling like you're being pressured to make choices, be excited that the world is open in front of you and you have the ability to do whatever you want, everyone else be damned.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#4
It's going to be tough on you and your family, but tradition be damned, follow your own path, not the one set out for you.

If this major doesn't interest you, if you can switch to one that does. To have these thoughts at your age is strange to me, you sound like someone imprisoned rather than a young person with their life ahead of them.

Look after yourself first, then worry about looking after others, and don't take social pressure created in different days than the current ones as limiting your ability to choose your own life.

The days of arranged marriages and career paths laid out by family are over. As an Indian person you will have to probably over come a significant amount of resistance in order to even be allowed to attempt to chart your own path, but even that permission is not theirs to give.

When I dropped out of highschool my family lamented that that was the end of my chances on a life worth living. I didn't hear my mom complaining when I put her on the payroll of my company to tide her over after she got ill (stroke) and was not able to work a normal job for a while.

Your life, your choices. There is nothing wrong with you.

best of luck!

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#6
Your biggest problem right now is you don’t know where you want to go.  Until you can figure that out you’re better off dragging yourself through school so you have some kind of credential to live off of.  You can always chase your passion once you find it.   

Also, for what it’s worth, you might want to look into counseling for depression.  From the description of your life it seems like you’re a likely candidate (unhappy except when you workout and have endorphins racing through your body).  Depression can make you lose interest in even stuff are interested in so before you decide your previously chosen major is not interesting you should make sure it isn’t depression talking.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#7
Sounds like you need to fall in love. With a girl.

Note: This will solve none of you problems. But it certainly won't be boring either.

Additional note: Whoever convinced you that your life has a track and you need to figure it out did you a serious disservice. It is your life. Loving and serving those dear to you can be an amazing thing. You'll be no help to them if you are miserable.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#8
In my experience, it unlikely to find something new by following the same paths. Perhaps you will find joy in mechanical engineering at some point in the future, but you are unlikely to reach that point unless you change how you are living now.

If your perceived sense of self-worth doesn't improve or worsens, your brain will undergo physical changes that result in a state of clinical depression, which is defined far more by a lack of passion/engagement than by feelings of sadness. You will remain entirely in control of your actions, but the pool of available actions will become smaller and smaller as this continues. Eventually you will reach a point where you no longer can keep up the facade of control and your academics will shift from something that you don't enjoy doing to something that you can't keep up with. As someone intelligent you are likely to rationalize this disengagement / drop in grades by saying that the classes aren't worth your time (or other self-defeating thoughts). If this happens, you need to find an counselor who can be the mirror that tells you what a self-handicapping idiot you are being.

Or maybe this won't happen and you will graduate with honors and receive job offers from multiple companies. Things will likely change that will lift you past your current opinion on life. Often one good thing leads to another and you would be amazed at how quickly your perception on your future can shift after meeting a remarkable new friend(both guys AND girls). If something academic comes into your life that interests you, embrace it and do not let go.

In my opinion you should take a year off, or at least a semester. I did that after high school and it was the best decision of my life. Find a place to get started, tap into your webdev skills, there is great demand for them. I found a webdev job on craigslist for a company in Costa Rica where I had a hour-long surf-breaks at hightide. This experience of work as both productivity and play redefined how I defined 'success' in my own life. Pick a place that you have a passing interest in visiting, go to craigslist and look for internships/jobs that will pay enough to cover your room and board there and get the hell out of dodge.

You will go back to finish your degree when you are ready and want it or you will be happier in your new place. Win either way. Your family wants you happy and successful, neither of which are correlated with regretful career decisions.

I hope all goes well for you.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#9

Sounds like you need to fall in love. With a girl. Note: This will solve none of you problems. But it certainly won't be boring either. Additional note: Whoever convinced you that your life has a track and you need to figure it out did you a serious disservice. It is your life. Loving and serving those dear to you can be an amazing thing. You'll be no help to them if you are miserable.

Sounds like you need to fall in love. With a girl.

Or a boy.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#10
post #4

It's going to be tough on you and your family, but tradition be damned, follow your own path, not the one set out for you. If this major doesn't interest you, if you can switch to one that does. To have these thoughts at your age is strange to me, you sound like someone imprisoned rather than a young person with their life ahead of them. Look after yourself first, then worry about looking after others, and don't take…

> As an Indian person you will have to probably over come a significant amount of resistance in order to even be allowed to attempt to chart your own path, but even that permission is not theirs to give.

It's... not that easy.

Most people would agree that parents have a duty to take care of their children. India has a value system where children are expected to reciprocate when they grow up. Parents sacrifice a great deal for their children in India, and I'm not just speaking of financial aspects (though that can be substantial). In most families, the children, their education and their future success are the "grand projects" that the families' day to day lives revolve around. Even as a human unconditioned by any cultural idiosyncrasies, I think you do have a responsibility to treat them kindly.

However, this doesn't mean that you have to blindly adopt their notions of success. In my case, I had to negotiate with them to redefine their ideas of a meaningful, fulfilling life so that I could be free.

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