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Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

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Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#31

Post by stusmith1977 »

New father, with 8-month-old son:

- The first three months just have to be got through. Think of it as a survival test. Lack of sleep, complete change of family dynamics, no sex, no relaxation.

- You might well find yourself resenting the baby. No-one admits to it though. Everyone says "it's magical" and "you love them unconditionally". There are nights when that won't be the case. You and your partner just have to help each other, and don't be afraid to say to them "I just need a couple of hours away from the baby". Obviously you have to do the same for them.

- After three months generally any collicky issues settle down, and they start smiling and really recognizing you. Now it gets good!

- Routine (in my opinion) is everything. We used a modified Gina Ford routine and he was sleeping 7pm - 8am every night by 5/6 months. I'm tired in the evenings but only in the usual way - no more exhaustion.

- It's unbelievable how much you care for them. When you hear their pain cry (the staccato one; not just the usual crying) you drop everything and run to them.

- The biggest change/loss at this stage is the loss of intimacy (and I don't necessarily mean in bed) with my wife. Little things like "shall we go out for dinner on a whim" or "here's breakfast in bed" are very difficult to achieve.

- Spare time is almost non-existant for me, apart for a few evenings when wife and baby visit grandparents. My admiration for people with both startups and babies (and especially side-projects and babies) is enormous.

Can't tell you about the later years (not there yet), but I'm looking forward to just being part of a family with a little mini-me to re-experience the world with.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#32

Post by leftnode »

mreid wrote: post #23
leftnode wrote: post #13

I have a little boy who just turned 7 months old yesterday. I spent a good part of the night in the emergency room because he had uncontrolled vomiting. It's definitely a trip, but I love it. Starting a business around it is hard. I applied to YC, but I'm fairly confident I won't get in because I can't live in California for 3 months. Contrary to what some other people on here have said, I've actually found more time…

> Having a little boy motivates me much more than not having one. I want to build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family. That's an admirable goal but don't sacrifice too much of your time with the family now chasing after the dream of time with your family later.

Well, that's another reason for wanting my own company: I'm my own boss. I no longer have to get PTO approved, and report to a boss. If I want to play hooky for a day and spend time with him, I can easily do that if I'm independent; not so much if I have a 9-5.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#33

Post by stusmith1977 »

lordmatty wrote: post #30
RyanMcGreal wrote: post #28

There's a two- or three-week period, usually around the six month mark, when your baby can sit up unaided but can't yet crawl. During this time, you can put the baby down on an activity blanket (supervised, obviously) and enjoy maybe five or ten minute contiguous stretches of uninterrupted time to do stuff. Note: activities like preparing a meal and straightening up the place tend to take priority over developing a s…

* Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding. In my experience this leads to drastically less sleep. You disturb your baby and your baby disturbs you. We put the baby in another room and invested in a baby alarm. * Seriously consider breastfeeding. Yes, but don't pressure yourself too much...the most important thing is that the baby eats properly. Bo…

Agree here. Bending over to change does your back in. And when the poop has gone up their back or down their leg, you want a surface you can bleach.

Also agree on sleeping separate - we put ours in the nursery after three nights. He sleeps 7pm - 8am now (at 8 months) and is very happy. Bizarely, tired babies don't sleep well (ie don't keep them up in the hope they'll sleep longer). Put them to bed before they get overtired. If you share a room you will wake each other and you'll all be tired and cranky.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#34

Post by JunkDNA »

The time issue is the biggest adjustment for me. I'm in my 30's and have spent 2/3 of my life goofing around on my computer in my spare time (which I apparently had boatloads of, though now it is hard to remember what it was like). I now have a 5 month old girl. The hardest thing to adjust to was the time issue. I have a 40-min train commute to my job, and that gives me my biggest chunk of free time all week. While it is easing up some, the lack of sleep is really hard. I get up several times in the middle of the night to just give her a pacifier and soothe her back to sleep. As a result, I'm much less productive at work.

In spite of all of that, I wouldn't change a thing. All I have to do is look at her smile in the morning and it reminds me what life is really all about.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#35

Post by crocowhile »

leftnode wrote: post #13

I have a little boy who just turned 7 months old yesterday. I spent a good part of the night in the emergency room because he had uncontrolled vomiting. It's definitely a trip, but I love it. Starting a business around it is hard. I applied to YC, but I'm fairly confident I won't get in because I can't live in California for 3 months. Contrary to what some other people on here have said, I've actually found more time…

>I want to build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family.

Sorry for being cynical but this really sounds like a cheap excuse to justify why you cannot spend time with your baby now. I have a 9 monhts old myself and it's pretty obvious that he prefers having a present dad around right now, rather than a possibly wealthy dad in 20 years.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#36

Post by julietteculver »

diN0bot wrote: post #11

is anyone commenting here female? or have anecdotes with respect to how women are effected? i'm particularly curious because of the physical and hormonal changes that a woman goes through with respect to child birth and breast feeding, etc. how are the time, side-project, changes curves effected in this particular case?

I'm 38 weeks pregnant so can't comment on having a child yet, but the physical impact of pregnancy took me rather by surprise. In particular, I just haven't been able to sit at a computer for that many hours of a day for the last two or three months. Getting an iPad has certainly helped somewhat with that, but haven't found any way to actually do programming comfortably for long stretches. I feel like my brain is still in full working order though which is a relief!

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#37

Post by x0t »

I just had a little boy on 05 OCT 2010. The biggest thing I've noticed is I no longer have much time for my side projects (freelancing) outside of my day job (network administrator). I have to cram fits of coding into little hour blocks of time when the kid is asleep, it's not very productive.

I'm not terribly exhausted, but I am tired. I'm still interested in all the things I was previously interested in, but I have to focus on the kid now and put those things aside until he's old enough to communicate better and isn't near as helpless.

Lastly, I don't know that he gives me inspiration so much as motivation. Previously I worked to pay the bills so my wife would be comfortable, now it's for my son and wife. If I was single, my living requirements would be far less. I'd likely have a small shack in the middle of nowhere and far fewer possessions. That being said, I love my family and my life as it stands. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#38

Post by joxenford »

stusmith1977 wrote: post #33
lordmatty wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

* Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding. In my experience this leads to drastically less sleep. You disturb your baby and your baby disturbs you. We put the baby in another room and invested in a baby alarm. * Seriously consider breastfeeding. Yes, but don't pressure yourself too much...the most important thing is that the baby eats properly. Bo…

Agree here. Bending over to change does your back in. And when the poop has gone up their back or down their leg, you want a surface you can bleach. Also agree on sleeping separate - we put ours in the nursery after three nights. He sleeps 7pm - 8am now (at 8 months) and is very happy. Bizarely, tired babies don't sleep well (ie don't keep them up in the hope they'll sleep longer). Put them to bed before they get ove…

Sleep separate. We are on baby #2 and #1 slept in our bed for almost 12 mos. It was terrible as the baby got bigger an would move around. No one got sleep. Sleep deprivation is bad for parenting and marriages. If you knew your child's school bus driver was operating on 3-4 hours sleep you'd pitch a fit, why should parents do the same?

#2 is sleeping in her room in crib and we have a twin bed in that room and we take turns sleeping in that room with her. She starting to stay asleep at night for longer periods and is almost 6 mos old. She also has terrible reflux since she was born and would vomit up even breastmilk so she is on a special formula.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#39

Post by asanwal »

Have a 1 year old. Have found:

1. Increased desire to move out of ramen profitability as that is not what enough for baby. 2. Baby provides clarity of vision - You're not just doing this for yourself or you and sig other

The hardest part is getting used to the loss of control. That said, it's fantastic (as well as fantastically tiring)

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#40

Post by rycs »

I have a 4 year old and I'm 26 now, it does change your priorities for sure but more than that you start to realize "you just can't afford to fail", failing when you are on your own is less of an issue than when you have a kid, and that same pressure to not fail will have different consequences on different people, for the ones with the entreprenurial gene it will most likely be a motivator, for the ones without that entrepenurial gene/mindset/spirit will increase their fear of failure and make them pass opportunities or not give it a shot to their ideas.

All in all, I think, it's a great experience! very rewarding even the downsides (you know, lack of sleep, diapers, etc) are not as bad as they sound, you kinda get used to it and trust me, raising a happy kid is priceless, so changing diapers for a few years and missing some sleep hours is a very small price to pay imo.

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