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Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

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Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#231
post #226

Interviewing. I'm good at my good. My portfolio is at least decent, and I get a lot of responses on my resume, but I consistently can't close the deal. I also have a very hard time bettering myself with the lack of feedback. I've gotten better at all the stuff you can read about online and often made it to the final round, but I can't make it to an offer.

IMO, software interviewing is pretty heavily broken. I struggled with this and I decided (rightly or wrongly) that the problem wasn't me, it really was the process.

Whiteboard coding is nonsense for any other purpose than weeding out the truly incompetent.

Past that point, it's a crapshoot. I think homework / portfolio are the most reasonable evaluative tools, but there are some legitimate downsides there around the bias it can introduce into your process, and the potential candidates who may be turned off by it.

Things worked out for me, but not before I had some serious self doubt.

So, stick too it. You (probably, I don't actually know) are good at your job - don't let the nonsense process convince you otherwise. Look for companies that share your viewpoints.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#233

I’m 30 and haven’t really had much dating experience. It boggles my mind how people are already married by 30. How does dating work? Serious question.

honestly, I am 26 and I just cracked it (I think). So I had a few relationships but they were mostly out of luck/randomness.

Then I realized, I care too much.. I care if I will "invade" their space, if they feel comfortable, if they will think I am a creep or so.

Nowadays, if I want to talk to someone, I just do. It works wonder, I think we create this "cage" of social fear on our own due to our insecurities.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#234
post #26

Long-term: dating/relationships. I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone. Short-term: not much! I recently dropped everything and moved to the other side of the globe (Japan) on a student visa. I'm studying a very interesting language and culture and making friends with people from all…

> I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone.

I can relate to this a lot. If I may make a recommendation - despite the awful name, Models[0] by Mark Manson[1] did a lot to re-frame my interaction with women I'm romantically interested in. It takes the refreshing approach that rather than learning tricks or lines like other male-oriented dating books this one comes from a place of honesty and vulnerability. He has a blog [2] if you want a taste of his writing.

[0] https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-... [1] Better known for his book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck' [2] https://markmanson.net/archive

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#235

Getting excited about my career. I keep getting in a loop where I feel like I can't grow and the challenges aren't there, so my work performance starts to slacken, which in turn is used to justify giving me the same tasks again. Eventually I burn out and get a new job, which I'm excited about for about a year, before it becomes clear that what was promised me in terms of opportunity and advancement isn't going materi…

Maybe start taking on as much responsibility as you can for the role you want before you have it. Obviously that has to be done respectfully and in a genuinely helpful manner relative to however has the role now. But if you focus on the idea that anyone in a company can have a CEO type impact (or other role impact) if they learn how to manage themselves and others well, then you may be more motivated by the challenge…

That's been my go to the last couple cycles. It hasn't worked.

For instance, at my previous job, I wound up as essentially the only person on a team. In addition to performing the technical functions, I worked to build it back into a team. I created (and communicated) what my vision for that team was supposed to be, mapping out what we would do when it was reconstituted, and started training other people to do some of the functions.

After 6 months of what I was told was very impressive work, the reorg came. They decided to have another person lead that team, and swap somebody new in to the on paper non-lead role I had been filling. They put me in a different part of the team underneath somebody more junior who had no interest in managing as part of a general reorg.

That person also had no interest in working for the company even after the promotion, and left (part of an ongoing exoducs at that time). You'd think that would finally leave me as a team lead, but instead our team was explicitly left leaderless, with the next level (and architect of the reorg) theoretically picking up the slack.

This created a bit of a nightmare, because everyone expected me to be leading that team, but I was explicitly forbidden from doing so. I went from setting the direction for my own work to getting arbitrary tasks given to me. I wasn't looped in on or consulted about the general direction of the team, and it was far away from where I'd been so I didn't have any idea what the team (which had only recently been created) was supposed to be doing.

It was chaos and frustrating - people kept coming to me assuming I was leading, and I kept having to defer. I really don't understand what the point was of not allowing me to lead the team (and it was a very explicit choice), other than out of spite or some kind of built in bias. I really stopped caring at that point. When I left a couple months later my boss reminisced how my work had been so good but had dropped precipitously.

What's sad is the same thing happened at the previous job in a lot of ways. I did get made the team lead eventually, but at that point there literally was no team since the exodus was larger (all the non-contractor developers had left). Once again, I was the tail end of the exodus.

I keep at it. I'm always evangelizing improvements, trying to create a better environment for other employees, trying to work with the new ones, trying to find those places where there is opportunity to grow.

A lot of time, my suggestions get ignored, but I keep making them. I implement them anyway, they are well received. I get a pat on the back and told to work on something very different. I can't get excited about that something different and can only view it as an obstacle to be overcome before I can go back to pushing on the things I care about, and the loop begins.

I do only okay work on the things I don't care about, which is used to justify me staying in my position. I stop doing things that are beyond my role, because it seems pointless. I care less and less.

There's something about somebody getting promoted to the position you wanted and then using your 1 on 1s to complain about how much they hate the position that just kills me.

At some point the job starts to become entirely managing visibility, be it keeping meaningful projects under the radar so that they don't yoinked away, or promoting them mercilessly. I've been in one on ones where my boss tried to show me a list of things they wanted to see for me to get promoted, then realized they were describing exactly what I was doing, yoinked it away, and had to spend 6 months "refining" it.

If they do that enough times - if I spend enough time just playing these games trying to find some way to sneak through the cracks and do some actual refactoring or whatever it is, eventually I stop caring entirely. It starts to feel like it's all politics anyway, so why bother.

I get into an Office Space state - work my ass off, get a pat on the back, but make any mistakes and 5 people are asking why I didn't have test coverage for that case, why I copy pasted this code carelessly, whatever mistake I made when I was slacking.

I don't know how to break out of that state in any sense. I don't know how to recognize if the environment really IS discriminating against me, or I'm just letting laziness get the better of me. If I decide the latter I don't how to motivate myself to care like I used to.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#236

I'm incredibly absent minded. I constantly keep forgetting/losing my cards, my wallet, my phone, bags, random stuff; somehow I break things in ways I don't understand... I just graduated from college, my life was fine so far, but I'm currently getting kicked out by my landlord because he was sick of me making trivial, small mistakes 10000 times a day. They're things like forgetting a plate on the table, forgetting to…

Go see a neurologist.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#237

I'm incredibly absent minded. I constantly keep forgetting/losing my cards, my wallet, my phone, bags, random stuff; somehow I break things in ways I don't understand... I just graduated from college, my life was fine so far, but I'm currently getting kicked out by my landlord because he was sick of me making trivial, small mistakes 10000 times a day. They're things like forgetting a plate on the table, forgetting to…

I deal with this too. An example I'll never forget: leaving my sweater at a friend's house, realizing half way home (on a bike, freezing), biking all the way back to pick it up, then riding all the way home without my backpack (I took it off to put the sweater on). I miss train stops, forget important grocery items, leave my car at the carpool and think it's been stolen, etc.

I notice drinking makes it worse. So does cannabis. I have good months and bad months. It makes me feel like I'll never be worthy of a leadership role or any respectable level of responsibility. Major impostor syndrome when I'm working with people. Gives me anxiety when I give talks because I am afraid I am forgetting something and will act my usual foolish self in front of everyone.

I had an MRI for an unrelated issue and it came back normal. That helped a ton! Hypochondria and being hyper self-conscious is certainly a part of it. Last month I presented a concept for a webapp and a research project I did and won a small internal pitching contest. That helped a ton-- when I feel like I'm killing it and making strides, I don't feel like such an idiot, and stop noticing all the little mistakes I make.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#238

I struggle with the question whether to have children or not. I'm surrounded by new fathers who struggle with their children, whose wives have turned from attractive women into unattractive moms. I read witty comments all the time suggesting how much of a burden kids are. This struggle burns me out.

Those witty comments about the burden of kids are just humble bragging (I hope that is the right word).

I think having kids is the best thing ever. But try to also have time for them and connect. I think some dads struggle, who are hardly ever around.

For example I didn't expect the first year to be very interesting, but actually a lot of things happened and a lot of phases happened and then were over forever (like having the baby sleep on your belly), so now I pity dads who miss out on all of that.

As for wives turning unattractive - having kids is a great source for fights, it definitely can be a strain on the relationship. The problem is, it is easy to be forgiving about stuff concerning yourself. For your kid, not so much - if you believe ice cream is instantly going to give your kid diabetes, and the mum believes touching an iPhone will immediately fry its brain and forever turn the kid into a zombie, it is difficult to be forgiving.

Also, lets face it, the mother will have you by the balls, because she can threaten to walk out and take kids (and probably also the house) at any time.

Many mothers still look hot, but perhaps, once they have you by the balls, there is less incentive to stay in shape. I don't know...

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#239
post #218

I struggle with the question whether to have children or not. I'm surrounded by new fathers who struggle with their children, whose wives have turned from attractive women into unattractive moms. I read witty comments all the time suggesting how much of a burden kids are. This struggle burns me out.

Meh, it is not as hard as it seems. Just get yourself 2 kids in quick succession. Adding second one will be both easier than getting first and it will highlight how silly it was to feel that it is difficult when it was just one. Also they will play with each other while you watch TV and drink beer.

Alternatively, you can drink beer while they watch TV - even works with only one kid.

Re: Ask HN: What do you struggle with?

#240
I have a very wide area of interests, and doing things takes time. But while I'm doing thing 'A', I think about the fact that I'm making no progress on 'B', 'C', ... 'n' and it distracts me both from thinking as deeply as I need to on thing 'A' and the enjoyment I get from getting something done. So I struggle with letting go of the desire to get everything done that I can imagine would be fun and interesting to do.
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