>Bikes are expensive personal transportation
Not true in the Netherlands.
>they take up space in every home with muddy, oily mechanisms
Usually, unless it's a very nice cycle at high risk of theft, it's not kept in one's home. It's just locked up outside. Bike garages are exceedingly common, especially in larger buildings or offices. Or at train stations.
>they take up a lot of space in bicycle parks outside every desirable destination serving to push everything further apart for humans on foot
Bike parking is an issue, especially in high congestion areas like train stations, but pushing things further for humans is most certainly not an issue in the Netherlands.
>they require equipment you might need to carry (locks, helmets, other)
Almost no one wears helmets in the NL in daily cycling and the locks are fixed to the bike or wrapped around the frame. This is really a non-issue in the NL.
>they need ongoing maintenance
Not much...and so do humans (you've still got to take care of yourself; even biking contributes to that).
> they don't go well with nice clothes and tend to require places to change, carrying a change of clothes, or even showers, after any but short journeys in mellow weather.
Most of the year the weather is mellow; people routinely wear suits/formal clothing without issue on bikes; many offices have shower facilities but most people don't use them because the weather is mild and people don't race. All of this isn't really an issue in the Netherlands.
I feel like you've posed a lot of complaints that really don't apply or really aren't such a concern in the Netherlands. Cities here tend to work very well for both pedestrians and cyclists.
Come visit the NL sometime...I think ít will change your perspective.