Memoirs of a Bullied Kid • Hacker News Board

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#21

Post by icegreentea » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:08 PM UTC

lotharbot wrote: post #17

lionhearted wrote: post #11

This comment will be controversial, especially for North Americans and Western Europeans. I ask you to read it and think about it a moment before reacting, and comment if you disagree. I believe what I'm about to say is true, and I'm not trying to get a rise out of people - I want to fix some problems with society. I feel for the author. I also moved around a lot as a kid. No, wasn't a military family. Just coinciden…

Both your post and the original overgeneralize, treating bullies as a monolithic entity with a single motivation and a single response. Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. They may want others to see them as tough, or to feel powerful or in control, or for laughs, or because they have somethin…

I'll have to agree with you. Bullies are not an monolithic organization with a single creed and method. And this changes a lot with age group as well. I suspect that most younger bullies are very much different from older bullies.

I don't want to repeat your post, but it really should all be repeated. You need to take away both their long term need to bully, as well as their immediate urge to bully. You can do so through a variety of methods. For example, that long term need to bully often (well, I think/hope it's often), just goes away as kids grow up. And that immediate urge to bully. Well, there's no deterrent quite like getting your ass handed to you by the guy who you just shoved.

And related to that, there are degrees of bullying. I dislike these school campaigns that stick all these different activities together as being equally wrong under the umbrella of bullying. I've seen material that tells children that all pushing/shoving and 'teasing' and being 'rude' is wrong and 'can be' bullying. I can't see this being effective in any way. All this can do is make kids think that adults and their rules are dumb. What do you mean I can't call Kevin, my best friend from before I can remember a fat dumby butt? What do you mean I can't shove him when I know he'll just shove back?

All that can do is make one subset of children dismissing the 'rules' and 'bullying' as a 'dumb adult' thing, and another subset (and I remember playing with this subset when I was knee high), that'll yell and scream abuse at anything 'against the rules'. Now granted, I was kinda in the 'these rules are dumb' group, so my view of things is a bit biased.

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#22

Post by mrtron » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:13 PM UTC

agentultra wrote: post #3

It's nice reading an article like this once in a while. I like to forget how horrible my life had been. I eventually moved away from the town I grew up in with no money and no prospects just to get away from the violence and constant humiliation. I struggled every day since for everything I have today. It's good to be reminded of where you came from.

Reading it definitely brought up a lot of repressed memories. Life seems so simple right now.

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#23

Post by Dove » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:15 PM UTC

lionhearted wrote: post #20

lotharbot wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Both your post and the original overgeneralize, treating bullies as a monolithic entity with a single motivation and a single response. Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. They may want others to see them as tough, or to feel powerful or in control, or for laughs, or because they have somethin…

Good comment, thanks for the reply. To clarify, you only "fuck them up" when they make violence on you. After they put their hands on you or someone innocent, they're in the wrong and they've forfeited their moral right. Also, something to think about - > Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. I…

Psychopaths.

http://www.damninteresting.com/the-unburdened-mind

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#24

Post by philwelch » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:25 PM UTC

lionhearted wrote: post #20

lotharbot wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Both your post and the original overgeneralize, treating bullies as a monolithic entity with a single motivation and a single response. Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. They may want others to see them as tough, or to feel powerful or in control, or for laughs, or because they have somethin…

Good comment, thanks for the reply. To clarify, you only "fuck them up" when they make violence on you. After they put their hands on you or someone innocent, they're in the wrong and they've forfeited their moral right. Also, something to think about - > Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. I…

Kids, in particular, don't always develop a conscience until later in life.

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#25

Post by lotharbot » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:26 PM UTC

lionhearted wrote: post #20

lotharbot wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Both your post and the original overgeneralize, treating bullies as a monolithic entity with a single motivation and a single response. Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. They may want others to see them as tough, or to feel powerful or in control, or for laughs, or because they have somethin…

Good comment, thanks for the reply. To clarify, you only "fuck them up" when they make violence on you. After they put their hands on you or someone innocent, they're in the wrong and they've forfeited their moral right. Also, something to think about - > Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. I…

I had a teen in a Sunday School class I taught who didn't have a conscience. He didn't have any sense of right and wrong, or of consequences for actions. He was a major bully; two other kids in my class of seven actually changed schools to get away from him (which made Sunday mornings interesting, to say the least!) He only respected strength -- but he also needed to be loved.

Like I said, don't limit your arsenal. Not even for the "wild" ones (even if they're animals to a large extent, they're still people to some extent.) Defend yourself and the innocent fully, but don't think that means you can't also love your enemy.

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#26

Post by DuncanIdaho » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:29 PM UTC

lionhearted wrote: post #11

This comment will be controversial, especially for North Americans and Western Europeans. I ask you to read it and think about it a moment before reacting, and comment if you disagree. I believe what I'm about to say is true, and I'm not trying to get a rise out of people - I want to fix some problems with society. I feel for the author. I also moved around a lot as a kid. No, wasn't a military family. Just coinciden…

I have been bullied and I have also been a bullie myelf (frist the former then the latter).

Your advice is sound. Bullie "smells" the weakness - indeed they never pick on challenges, they always look for victims. So the only way out is not embracing (showing weakness) but through fight (showing strength).

You might get beaten up anyway - but if you show "will to power" they might start respecting you - since you "might exert revenge" on them someday. It's really how it works.

And my dad also taught me never to start a fight - but to make sure to finish it. It just took me long to "get it".

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#27

Post by scott_s » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:33 PM UTC

lionhearted wrote: post #11

This comment will be controversial, especially for North Americans and Western Europeans. I ask you to read it and think about it a moment before reacting, and comment if you disagree. I believe what I'm about to say is true, and I'm not trying to get a rise out of people - I want to fix some problems with society. I feel for the author. I also moved around a lot as a kid. No, wasn't a military family. Just coinciden…

Yours and the author's advice are orthogonal.

Your advice is to the bullied: how to respond to a bully.

His advice is to adults who witness bullying: how to prevent a bully from continuing with any victim, not just stopping when one fights back.

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#28

Post by tomjen3 » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:40 PM UTC

Psyonic wrote: post #7

tomjen3 wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You weren't alone - I was bullied, as was my close family. Unlike you, it ended earlier but only because the teachers finally realized how bad it had gotten. I disagree with his idea that those who are bullied needs to learn that they are loved though - I never for a moment had any doubts about my parents feelings for me, but that didn't help me end it. I have even less sympathy for the idea of telling bullies that y…

Your advice at the end there doesn't always work. Sometimes hitting back just makes them escalate the violence.

I have never seen anybody hitting back for real where it didn't work.

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#29

Post by lhorie » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:48 PM UTC

lotharbot wrote: post #17

lionhearted wrote: post #11

This comment will be controversial, especially for North Americans and Western Europeans. I ask you to read it and think about it a moment before reacting, and comment if you disagree. I believe what I'm about to say is true, and I'm not trying to get a rise out of people - I want to fix some problems with society. I feel for the author. I also moved around a lot as a kid. No, wasn't a military family. Just coinciden…

Both your post and the original overgeneralize, treating bullies as a monolithic entity with a single motivation and a single response. Bullies are not "wild animals" bullying for "no reason", they're people with unique intellects and desires and motivations that you, or they, may not understand. They may want others to see them as tough, or to feel powerful or in control, or for laughs, or because they have somethin…

It's fine and dandy to talk about the psychology of bullying and how there are different tools to deal with it and all that, but when you're a kid and don't know any better, I think it's a lot easier to just do what he suggested and get physical.

I've always been a small, calm and rational person, but when it came down to it, I would just bite whoever was trying to bully me. As it turns out, the jaw is one of the strongest muscles in the body and it certainly does not look cool to have your eyes tearing up while having your finger being chewed by a shrimp.

Re: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

#30

Post by btilly » Wed, Oct 06, 2010, 7:50 PM UTC

tomjen3 wrote: post #28

Psyonic wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your advice at the end there doesn't always work. Sometimes hitting back just makes them escalate the violence.

I have never seen anybody hitting back for real where it didn't work.

I have. I got beaten up, and once the bully had demonstrated his ability to beat me up at will, things got worse.

It is worth noting that one cause of bullying is a way for the bully to feel better about himself. In my case said bully had failed 2 grades, and so chose to pick on a smart kid who was not popular to make himself feel better.