How to get kids to pay attention • Hacker News Board

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#141

Post by ivanhoe » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:12 PM UTC

c22 wrote: post #134

unit91 wrote: post #109

I have 6 kids, and I've found it's pretty simple to get kids to pay attention (or anything else). Be consistent, and willing to discipline if necessary. Here's the order I follow: 1. Polite request 2. Polite command 3. Stern command 4. Warning 5. Push-ups 6. Spanking They know I love them and because of that love obedience is required. Situations rarely escalate past step 2, and step 6 is memorable. ETA: for anything…

I've never been past step 3 with my kids. A stern request will often invoke tears, but is usually effective. If not, I'll modify the environment, either by removing the thing that's the focus of the problem or by removing the child to another location. When my oldest was very young she used to unfurl the toilet paper in all the bathrooms, so we kept it on a shelf she couldn't reach. When she started potty training we…

Just for the sake of all parents reading this and comparing it with their own experience, we need to remember that kids are all very different. And also that other parents usually don't tell the full story and try to show themselves and their kids in the best light (all us humans do that). One might be a great parent, or might just got lucky to have very cooperative kid. And the vice versa, if your kid is hard to handle you might be a bad parent, but it's also quite likely that your kid just has more stubborn personality. So don't be too hard on yourself as a parent - if you care enough to worry about being a bad parent, you're probably doing just fine.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#142

Post by BirdieNZ » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:14 PM UTC

eeeuo wrote: post #56

colecut wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Out of curiosity, what were your feelings like towards your dad at this time? Was there a lot of fear around him? Did you "like" him?

As someone who grew up in a working class environment in which mostly everyone had "flawed"(lol) fathers, I've found that there's a big distinction in the structure of the discipline. The parents for whom crossing a line resulted in verbal/physical abuse but were otherwise fine tend to have good relationships with their kids. While the punishment is much more severe than it would be in other families, there's a clear…

The last time I read some studies on the subject of physical discipline, the conclusion was closely aligned with what you observed. Children who were physically disciplined but understood their parents loved them and had a consistent approach to the discipline had no negative long-term effects from the discipline, whereas those who were arbitrarily "disciplined" (really, just abuse if it's arbitrary) or didn't have an understanding of their parents' love for them had significant negative effects from the abuse.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#143

Post by jinfiesto » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:20 PM UTC

I often wonder whether this has a lot to do with how we treat our kids. I often catch myself acting uninterested in my daughter's interests (she's two and often wants to show me things for the 50th time that were pretty boring in the first place.) She doesn't have any attention or behavioral issues in general, but I was amazed when a friend of mine came to visit who is an early music educator. They didn't do anything music related, but watching her interact with my daughter was eye-opening. She was very present and respectful with regards to my daughter's interests and what my daughter wanted to do. I guess more or less she treated my daughter more or less like an adult. Thinking about it, it's so easy to be flippant or dismissive about what our kids are doing or are interested in without even noticing.

I was really amazed to see how much my daughter reciprocated the attention and my friend was able to get her to pay attention to this or that or be much more engaged than I usually can.

This is obviously a very small sample, but it really made me think about the ways that we don't treat our children like adults (and how maybe they act like children because we treat them that way.)

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#144

Post by i_love_jc » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:30 PM UTC

"The parents intentionally give their children this autonomy and freedom because they believe it's the best way to motivate kids." This is basically the philosophy behind self-directed learning: unschooling as well as learning communities like Sudbury schools, liberated learners centers, and agile learning centers.

I work at one of these schools, and our kids are really good at paying attention. ADD is a real thing and still affects some of them, but we also have a lot of kids who were diagnosed with ADD and it turns out when they are interested in what they're doing, their attention span is completely normal.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#145

Post by gtm1260 » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:33 PM UTC

unit91 wrote: post #109

I have 6 kids, and I've found it's pretty simple to get kids to pay attention (or anything else). Be consistent, and willing to discipline if necessary. Here's the order I follow: 1. Polite request 2. Polite command 3. Stern command 4. Warning 5. Push-ups 6. Spanking They know I love them and because of that love obedience is required. Situations rarely escalate past step 2, and step 6 is memorable. ETA: for anything…

Wow you may have completley missed the point of this article.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#146

Post by kzrdude » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:33 PM UTC

fb03 wrote: post #140

pnathan wrote: post #136

It's very hard to compare a hunter gatherer / traditional village society to the modern urban & educated society and have meaningful takeaways. The crux of the matter is the requirement for responsibility. Rather than have this goofy teenagehood that runs from 13-25, forcing the matter of responsibility at an earlier age and accepting the failures is a critical difference. Protecting children and ensuring they are no…

> Same goes for chores: children should be doing a full set of chores in household rota as soon as they are physically able. Vacuuming, dishes, pet litter, etc. It is insane that some parents I know would like to reply to this part of your answer like this: "Kids should be kids you shouldn't force them to be adults too soon or you might steal their childhood". I've literally heard that.

You might steal from their adulthood if you refuse to teach them life skills, maybe something to reply with.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#147

Post by Consultant32452 » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:39 PM UTC

colecut wrote: post #45

wolco wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Raising a child and being liked are two different agendas and at times are at odds. Best advice don't be your child's friend be parent plenty of peers who can be friends but none that can be parents.

I have an 8 year old son, and I think I do a pretty good job of being stern / enforcing rules while also ensuring him that he is liked and loved.. There is definitely a balance in there, "not being his friend" I think is too far to one side... I just don't let being his friend prevent me from holding him to a certain expectation.

One of the best things you can do for your children is to teach them to behave in such a way that you will like them. Because if you will like them other adults are also likely to like them. When you and other adults like your children it opens up huge opportunities for growth and positive experience both inside the family and out.

I don't know exactly how that fits within the definition of being their "friend" exactly. It sounds a little adjacent to friendship to me.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#148

Post by usaphp » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:40 PM UTC

jinfiesto wrote: post #143

I often wonder whether this has a lot to do with how we treat our kids. I often catch myself acting uninterested in my daughter's interests (she's two and often wants to show me things for the 50th time that were pretty boring in the first place.) She doesn't have any attention or behavioral issues in general, but I was amazed when a friend of mine came to visit who is an early music educator. They didn't do anything…

> She was very present and respectful with regards to my daughter's interests and what my daughter wanted to do.

I am sure if she came over to your place for 50+ times she would also act different than the first time. I think It’s ok to be bored with a 2 year old request to show the same book or the same picture over and over and over again.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#149

Post by dreadpirateryan » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:49 PM UTC

jinfiesto wrote: post #143

I often wonder whether this has a lot to do with how we treat our kids. I often catch myself acting uninterested in my daughter's interests (she's two and often wants to show me things for the 50th time that were pretty boring in the first place.) She doesn't have any attention or behavioral issues in general, but I was amazed when a friend of mine came to visit who is an early music educator. They didn't do anything…

Treating your child with adult-like respect is one of the principles of RIE parenting. Worth reading more about, if you want to learn more about different parenting styles.

Re: How to get kids to pay attention

#150

Post by c22 » Sun, Jul 01, 2018, 9:51 PM UTC

ivanhoe wrote: post #141

c22 wrote: post #134

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've never been past step 3 with my kids. A stern request will often invoke tears, but is usually effective. If not, I'll modify the environment, either by removing the thing that's the focus of the problem or by removing the child to another location. When my oldest was very young she used to unfurl the toilet paper in all the bathrooms, so we kept it on a shelf she couldn't reach. When she started potty training we…

Just for the sake of all parents reading this and comparing it with their own experience, we need to remember that kids are all very different. And also that other parents usually don't tell the full story and try to show themselves and their kids in the best light (all us humans do that). One might be a great parent, or might just got lucky to have very cooperative kid. And the vice versa, if your kid is hard to han…

I definitely didn't tell the whole story, but the anecdotes I picked are representative of my parenting technique, which is why I picked them. I think the most important trait when parenting is empathy--reconstructing the scenario in your mind from the child's perspective. I think a lot of people do this with other adults, but forget to do it with children, and especially small children. Perhaps because they assume the child's mind works radically differently from an adult's?

I've also noticed that my kids are "easy" compared to many other children I've observed, but I've also wondered how much of this is luck of the draw and how much is a reflection of their environment.

I also had almost a decade of experience interacting with small children in my job before I ever had any of my own and I still find parenting and maintaining patience to be the hardest thing I've ever done. No parent should ever be hard on themselves for the decisions they've made. The struggle is real and no parenting decision is "wrong." Without a diversity of parenting styles we would not have a diversity of people, which I consider integral to the survival of our species.