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Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

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Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#81

Post by julianss »

Grew up in rural Asia on a small farm. Every morning I have to wake up before the sun goes up to fetch water to take care of the animals.

The animals we had to sell to get basic necessities such as salt, paper, clothing, gas and oil for light and cooking. We ate meat for at most 10 days a year. Always for a special occasion. The rest of the time was mainly potatoes, cabbage, and carrots. Usually diluted into soup.

Coming to America where even poor Americans can enjoy something like a McDonalds burger every single day was unimaginable.

Sadly there are still people right now in these rural impoverished areas growing up like I did. You don't realize it when you are poor and haven't experienced anything else.

One of the most amazing experiences was flying in a plane for the first time in my life.

-From my father who managed to obtain a PHD after fighting through hell created by Communism

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#82

Post by bhasi »

Karawebnetwork wrote: post #45
sritrisna wrote: post #3

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This is very interesting and useful! Thanks.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#83

Post by Arete31415 »

uberduber wrote: post #69

I’ve spent a bit of my life thinking about this as I come from a bit of an odd circumstance as my parents purposely raised me poor (despite having wealth), didn’t offer much support and made me struggle thinking it would make me very resilient. They very much believe that anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The biggest problem with childhood adversity is that you are risking your health. My physical he…

The ACES study really backs up what you're talking about. Adults with high ACE scores (Adverse Childhood Experiences) have a much higher rate of multiple diseases than adults with low scores. https://acestoohigh.com/

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#84

Post by 0xcde4c3db »

GeorgeSarkis wrote: post #4

Lessons from adults who overcame difficult adulthoods: the word is "resilience".

While the parent post isn't phrased very helpfully, it raises a valid issue: beyond outcomes and people's retrospective explanations of those outcomes (which are, generally speaking, notoriously unreliable bases for forming useful theory), what are we actually talking about when we talk about "resilience"? What occurs differently such that one person develops this pattern and another doesn't? This essay sort of stumbles around these question, but ultimately falls back on describing resilience in terms that are more mythic than scientific. Admonishments like "own the fighter within" are what I expect from oily self-help hucksters, not credentialed psychologists writing in major publications.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#85

Post by saalweachter »

lifeisstillgood wrote: post #78
saalweachter wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't really have a childhood that could be described as "difficult", but having grown up on a farm and having ended up workin' in the big city for a tech company, I suspect we have at least one common experience. Do you ever sit and think sometimes how weird it is, to know all these things and have all these skills from your earlier life that have, like, no relevance or use in your current life? It's weird to me…

hay spontaneously combusts?!

I mean, "spontaneous" may be a bit misleading, since it is a very slow, gradual process, but yes.

Hay is basically grass clippings bundled together to feed to grass-eating animals when there isn't any.

Great care must be taken to collect hay when it is as dry as possible and store it in such a way as to dry it further and keep it dry because wet hay rots. Decay produces heat, and because hay is also a great insulator that heat can even reach the ignition point for the dry parts of the hay.

It tends to smolder, since it is predicated on being fairly wet at first and the middle where it is hottest will have bad airflow until the whole "being on fire" part dries the rest out, but it will set your barn on fire easily enough, and it's a real devil to put out, since you're usually trying to spray water through dozens of feet of hay to where the core of the problem actually is.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#86

Post by tkmunzwa »

mmsimanga wrote: post #16
phakding wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My story is not too different. I grew up in a dirt poor Asian village. We didn't have running water and for first few years of my life, not even a toilet. Parents taking active part in kids education was not common. I remember my parents bought be one toy when I was in second or third grade, and that was it. We used to get one pair of new clothes once every year during festivals. That's about it. Nobody ever celebrat…

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading your comment. I am genuinely glad it all worked out for you. I can identify with not celebrating birthdays and the lack of toys. As a result it feels awkward when people wish me happy birthday. I see the term surviorship bias quite a lot on HN and I sometimes feel it applies to me. When debates happen on Africa and poverty I tend not to be as sympathetic. I get impatient and rath…

> I "made" it because I am stubborn, had parents who believe in education and because I hate being beholden to someone.

...and lucky. One African to another: it took me hard work, determination, and a whole lot of luck. It wasn't just one thing - but a chain of fortuitous events. My path is certainly not repeatable, so I'm certain my story is that of survivorship bias. I know lots of smarter/more hard-working people who didn't catch the same break that I did. Can you honestly say that you're that much better than your cousins?

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#87

Post by zamalek »

I had a pretty rough childhood. I've always been a bit different (something that I'm now proud of). Not sure if it's spectrum or something else; it doesn't really matter in this context.

I was bullied to the point of physiological symptoms - by everyone except my family. This carried on well into high school (I finally broke free when we moved to a different country). My "friends," at least the closest I had to that idea, all abandoned me in the most demeaning way possible. A teacher picked on me, telling me that I would amount to nothing.

I decided that I would never treat any person that way. Everything changed. I was still (and still am) meak about what is done to me - but I stood up for outcasts. Spreading my time across cliques took effort initially, but it became natural. People started seeing me as a leader, even the popular crowd. The students around me became intolerant towards bullying and ostracization (through avoidance though, not action). I work hard to make people feel special, but it does come off way too too strong right now :).

I'm still broken in many ways, but I am aware of them and work on them. Thanks to the abandonment I experienced, if I feel as though I am being abandoned or betrayed I have an extended panic attack: becoming distrustful and pitiful as it subsides. I'm told I'm attractive, but my mental image is still a 15y/o kid being told "I don't know why anyone would kiss him" by my crush/bully (Stockholm Syndrome much? :)).

It all came down to a choice, spread acceptance, and I've often wondered if explaining that choice would amount to anything. That choice was made more than half my life ago and it is so critical to my being that I couldn't be swayed any other way. If I had chosen to isolate myself, that would have worked perfectly for avoiding those situations - it would have become a reliable and trustworthy solution. Even if I wanted to change that, after being convinced to, it would be habit.

The only real advice I can offer is to teach your children acceptance. They even have to accept the bullies. They have to understand why bullies do what they do. They can be guided to the choice to not repeat what was done to them. I have no idea how to approach an adult with advice: I strongly believe that an adult needs therapy (CBT or somesuch) after a difficult childhood. You just can't let go of nature that has worked for at least a decade based on advice.

I would err against resilience: that is inaction. Becoming the opposite of what tortures you is action.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#88

Post by mmsimanga »

tkmunzwa wrote: post #86
mmsimanga wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading your comment. I am genuinely glad it all worked out for you. I can identify with not celebrating birthdays and the lack of toys. As a result it feels awkward when people wish me happy birthday. I see the term surviorship bias quite a lot on HN and I sometimes feel it applies to me. When debates happen on Africa and poverty I tend not to be as sympathetic. I get impatient and rath…

> I "made" it because I am stubborn, had parents who believe in education and because I hate being beholden to someone. ...and lucky. One African to another: it took me hard work, determination, and a whole lot of luck. It wasn't just one thing - but a chain of fortuitous events. My path is certainly not repeatable, so I'm certain my story is that of survivorship bias. I know lots of smarter/more hard-working people…

I must clarify what I mean by "made". I have a university degree and am a mid-level employee in a large corporate company. I don't have to worry about food, shelter and healthcare but I have to work for the next 20 years to pay off my bond. I am one of the millions of workers, not a millionaire. I am not exceptional.

I agree with you on the determination and hard work. There is no substitute.

On luck, do agree it plays a role. I think the first bit of luck is the parents you are born to. My grandmother had seven children. I have at last count between 50-60 cousins. Probably higher number of nephews and nieces. Some of my cousins are already grandparents. My dad was the last born so some of my cousins are almost as old as he is.

Now back to luck, my observation looking at my large family is that the values and principles your parents instill in you have an impact. Some of my cousins believe success comes from witchcraft, so much so that there are tensions within the family as some branches accuse others of witchcraft at their expense. Having good parents even just one parent who doesn't poison your mind is the first bit of luck. The rest is how you use it. The second observation I have made is that kind people seem to make good parents. Hear me out. I have aunts in similar position, poor, uneducated and largely dependant on the land. When I visit, I have observed one will complain about everything and offer me nothing to eat or drink. Another aunt in a similar position will offer me whatever little she has. She will make it a point to collect some of the wild fruit I used to love as a kid. She does not act poor and helpless, she just acts like my aunt and treats me like a visitor not a savior. I suspect she doesn't view herself as being helpless and poor but she feels she can contribute in her own way. I think she instills these same values in her children. My observation is that children from such families tend to be more successful, at least this is the case in my extended family. Success is relative off course.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#89

Post by mmsimanga »

white-flame wrote: post #31
anonymous_fun wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Growing up hungry, with worn out second hand clothes, and dysfunctional families happens also in post-industrial societies. The hunger for knowledge and escape drove me to the library and the outdoors. I remember being young and thinking, if I can get $1500 dollars together, I will have made it. Every decade it seems to get another zero on the end of where I think I can be successful, and I continue to love to goto w…

> Growing up hungry, with worn out second hand clothes, and dysfunctional families happens also in post-industrial societies. Just pointing out that the parent didn't imply a dysfunctional family in their upbringing. Familial dysfunction is orthogonal to poor, hungry, and having old clothes; and in my opinion can be a far more life-constraining factor for the future.

I most definitely agree. I just typed a response further up this trail saying the first bit of luck is having good parents or a good parent. Some of my cousins believe success can be brought about through witchcraft. In most cases, it is, unfortunately, something they learn from their parents.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#90

Post by mmsimanga »

RobertRoberts wrote: post #77
mmsimanga wrote: post #7

My most upvoted comment on HN was when I made reference to fact that I had grown up in African village. I was totally unaware that this was a something worth sharing but it seemed to pique people's interest. As I didn't know any better at the time, I never felt that I lacked anything. I had two parents, grand parents and many cousins around. We spent the whole time playing, "exploring" and "hunting". Not once did it…

I think you have hit on the difference between real hardship and simply being poor. Hardship can happen at any economic level. We weren't poor, but all of us kids were abused in my family. I got the worst of it, so I hit bottom first. But I bounced back quicker than my siblings, all of whom ended up dealing with drugs, alcohol problems, social problems, abusive relationships (they caused, and were afflicted by), and…

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am glad you bounced back and all the best to your siblings. It always warms my heart when I read heartfelt comments on real life.
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