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Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

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Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#11

Post by phakding »

mmsimanga wrote: post #7

My most upvoted comment on HN was when I made reference to fact that I had grown up in African village. I was totally unaware that this was a something worth sharing but it seemed to pique people's interest. As I didn't know any better at the time, I never felt that I lacked anything. I had two parents, grand parents and many cousins around. We spent the whole time playing, "exploring" and "hunting". Not once did it…

My story is not too different. I grew up in a dirt poor Asian village. We didn't have running water and for first few years of my life, not even a toilet. Parents taking active part in kids education was not common. I remember my parents bought be one toy when I was in second or third grade, and that was it. We used to get one pair of new clothes once every year during festivals. That's about it. Nobody ever celebrated birthdays. I don't even think I remembered my own birthday growing up.

On top of that my parents fought like cats and dogs almost everyday.

The only thing that helped me survive and succeed was my competitive nature and perseverance. I worked hard, and still do, for things I want. I am not trying to brag, but starting in abject poverty and then ending up in a one of the biggest American cities making $200k is surreal.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#13

Post by rambossa »

I credit any of my "success" to the struggles I had as a child. Our world isn't perfect, and some of us experience different & harsher aspects of its flaws. I think the earlier some experience these flaws, the more they learn to adapt and realize truths of human nature. We learn that many things aren't going to be handed to us and to get what we want we will have to work a bit harder, or struggle a bit more (In the military we called this "Embrace the Suck").

We learn that our families aren't the same we see on our favorite TV shows. It hurts & its sad for young children to experience a struggle, but I think they can ultimately strengthen them -- unless the difficulties are so severe, or misguiding, that they lead children down the wrong path of life (i.e. severe psychology disorders, crime).

Again though, the world/nature is a tough place, and its nice to want to enforce being easier on and conceal realities from children, but I think there is something of value in experiencing "realness"/struggle -- a simple & less-harsh example is the losing team getting no trophy.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#14

Post by ta76567656 »

I too had a difficult childhood and overcame some moderate difficulties. Then I proceeded to waste my adult youth (20s and most of my 30s) in a multi decade pit of depression and withdrawal from the world. So let's not forget survivorship bias.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#16

Post by mmsimanga »

phakding wrote: post #11
mmsimanga wrote: post #7

My most upvoted comment on HN was when I made reference to fact that I had grown up in African village. I was totally unaware that this was a something worth sharing but it seemed to pique people's interest. As I didn't know any better at the time, I never felt that I lacked anything. I had two parents, grand parents and many cousins around. We spent the whole time playing, "exploring" and "hunting". Not once did it…

My story is not too different. I grew up in a dirt poor Asian village. We didn't have running water and for first few years of my life, not even a toilet. Parents taking active part in kids education was not common. I remember my parents bought be one toy when I was in second or third grade, and that was it. We used to get one pair of new clothes once every year during festivals. That's about it. Nobody ever celebrat…

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading your comment. I am genuinely glad it all worked out for you. I can identify with not celebrating birthdays and the lack of toys. As a result it feels awkward when people wish me happy birthday.

I see the term surviorship bias quite a lot on HN and I sometimes feel it applies to me. When debates happen on Africa and poverty I tend not to be as sympathetic. I get impatient and rather want Africans to discuss how we can start building our own electric cars and solar power stations. Which is interesting because most of my cousins are still in the village and running water and healthcare are their biggest concerns. Having ended up in technology and living in a fairly modern city I have to consciously change mindset between understanding the latest features on Postgresql and applying my mind to getting basics such as runnning water to my village.

I "made" it because I am stubborn, had parents who believe in education and because I hate being beholden to someone. I am beholden to by boss but hey we can't have everything.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#17

Post by afpx »

pvaldes wrote: post #8

An more interesting thing to me is why resilience is so overlooked nowadays. We "design" young people to shatter like a glass when bad things happen.

Do you have evidence that things have changed?

I suspect that if you took random samples of young people from several generations and followed them throughout life, the rate of success and failure relative to their peers would be the same across generations.

Re: Secrets of Resilience: Lessons from adults who overcame difficult childhoods

#18

Post by afpx »

For me, resilience is about having security. As someone who grew up with all of the “poverty, abuse, absent parents, alcoholism, serious illness or some other misfortune” traits, my ability to succeed was directly related to my ability to find a “gang” of others of similar circumstance and trusting them for shared security. It also helped to live in the 80s and 90s when it was easier to “fly under the radar” from external threats like police, government, hostile groups, etc.

The pain of early trauma never goes away. But, I would never be able to cope with that pain if I didn’t have the ability to reach out to people I trust for support.

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