Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#61

Post by kevinburke » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 6:06 AM UTC

1) I've noticed my desire to be around other people is often influenced by my reactions to recent conversations. If I talk with someone and then think "That must have been so awkward for them" I'm less likely to go out and talk to someone the next day than if I say "That person was really interesting" or "I learned a lot more about that person that I didn't know." Lots of times it could be the same conversation; your interpretation counts for a lot.

2) Turning conversation into a game helps; asking "what's the most interesting conversation we can have?" or focusing on getting to know just two or three people at a party instead of being overwhelmed by the whole group.

3) I agree with Derek Sivers's comment that, correct me if I'm wrong, tolerance for social situations is a skill that you can build up over time, like your ability to focus.

4) It can be useful to have some autopilot topics; see Kaj Sotala's notion of cached thoughts, http://lesswrong.com/lw/2co/how_to_always_have_interesting_c..., stories you're really good at telling, or funny things you've seen (a guy on the street wearing gladiator sandals is one i've been telling recently)

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#62

Post by Confusion » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 6:13 AM UTC

Being an introvert and not having social skills are orthogonal things. The first is not a problem, but the second is. Not because it is 'a bad thing' by any objective moral standard, but simply because it will make your life harder than necessary.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#63

Post by psyklic » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 6:15 AM UTC

It's only a problem if it bothers you. Personally, I've learned how to appear more extroverted, but despite lots of practice I still don't necessarily enjoy doing it. Also, keep in mind that having lots of shallow relationships isn't necessarily as good as having a few deeper ones :)

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#64

Post by matthewn » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 6:19 AM UTC

Here is a long, recent article about introversion that helped me (a definite introvert) feel more at peace with my tendencies:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/46944

Bottom line: 50% of us are introverts, but in American society it's the extraverts that define the norms.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#65

Post by binspace » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 6:29 AM UTC

jonpaul wrote: post #30

Don't allow the fact that you're an introvert to be an excuse. e.g. "I'm an introvert, so it's OK for me to no talk to these people." With that being said, I believe it's OK. However, let's consider what being introverted really means. It just means that you find it more difficult to talk/relate/network with others. Some of the most outgoing people I know are really introverted - you would never know. A few tips: 1)…

Smiling makes a huge difference. People see you as friendly and react positively toward you.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#66

Post by sarahkunst » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 6:44 AM UTC

I'm a girl with the most opposite personality type imaginable but my suggestion is to find someone like that - who you share a lab or elevator with - and try to find some common ground. Once you do that person can become your "social conduit" and when you do need to meet people or give a speech or go to a party they can help out. Most outgoing people love making more friends, even if they have little in common on the surface and if you program you can always repay their social skills by designing a webpage for their latest party or social networking profile. Hopefully if you have one solid link to social skills you can spend 99% of your time listening to metal and coding in peace and the other 1% socializing without the stress!

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#67

Post by mantas » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 7:01 AM UTC

Introvert there.

Tried to force myself to be extrovert few times. That was a disaster. I was miserable. And it didn't help me find friends or whatever.

My advice - be who you're. There's no better way than just NOT pretending to be somebody who you aren't. I learned this the hard way... Now I just have few friends, some of them introverts, some of them not, and I'm happy with that. Other people think I'm weird, arrogant, closed etc. But who cares? Yes, it's a little bit harder to live as you are, but it helps in the long run.

Sometimes I go "socialise". At least other people think I'm "socialising". But that's rather grey-hat hacking other people and their networks...

P.S. Thrash till death!!

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#68

Post by mikeklaas » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 7:09 AM UTC

Yes, it is okay.

But...

...university is a time where everyone around you has broken away from their previous social habits and are actively looking to form new bonds and try new things. The sheer number of people with this attitude that you will be exposed to is not a situation that will repeat itself throughout your life.

My advice, from a fellow introvert, is to try to take advantage of it while you still can.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#69

Post by pan69 » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 7:33 AM UTC

sivers wrote: post #28

You'd be surprised how many of us really are introverts. I talk about this subject with successful people quite often at conferences like TED, because it's so difficult and painful for me to be social even for a few hours a day at these events. Almost everyone says the same thing, "Oh no. I'm an introvert. This is exhausting to me. I can't wait to get back to my room. But I can keep it up for a couple necessary hours…

To fake being an extravert is not that difficult when you've mastered the skill of meaningless chit chat. However, I've noticed that to acquire that skill you need an active interest in the person you're communicating with. I've noticed that people with a natural interest in other people seem to be perceived as extraverts. To learn that interest in other people can be a challenging task and after twenty years of practice I still haven't mastered it myself...

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#70

Post by rlt » Mon, Sep 27, 2010, 7:36 AM UTC

sivers wrote: post #28

You'd be surprised how many of us really are introverts. I talk about this subject with successful people quite often at conferences like TED, because it's so difficult and painful for me to be social even for a few hours a day at these events. Almost everyone says the same thing, "Oh no. I'm an introvert. This is exhausting to me. I can't wait to get back to my room. But I can keep it up for a couple necessary hours…

I think there's a wide spectrum of introvertedness, and sometimes people tend to lump together shyness, social anxiety, lack of social skills and lack of self confidence in with being an introvert.

For the introverts who can function normally and simply find socializing exhausting, thats great for them, but there are also introverts who are deeply affected by those other problems (myself included), and I feel like they/we are at a big disadvantage.

I don't know to what extent this applies to the OP, but he sounds a bit like me. I've progressively become less social since high school (to the point that I'm often referred to as "the quiet one") and haven't really tried to do anything about it, even though I'd like to.