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Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

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Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#31

Post by Chris12345 »

Based on my personal experiences, one thing I'd add to this conversation is that your level of introversion may be more mutable than you may think. People often talk about the trait like it's very stable and inborn, and I think it is to an extent, but it can change over time.

I give myself as an example. I'm 30 now, and up until my mid-twenties I could easily be considered introverted. I always got a strong 'I' on Myers-Briggs type tests. Other people told me I was introverted all the time as well,

I agreed. I loved my alone time, wasn't super motivated to socialize with others, and got drained by being with people.

I also happened to have weak social skills, and wasn't happy with that. As I improved my social skills, and gained the ability to better enjoy other people's company, I noticed a lot of my so-called inborn, introverted personality traits were lessening as the years went by:

-I wasn't getting drained by socializing any more, because it was easier, more fun, and didn't use up as much mental effort.

-I still appreciated my alone time, like everyone really, but I didn't crave it as intensely.

-My internal motivation to socialize and be around other people went way up.

-In time I started to want to hang around bigger groups of people and do louder, crazier things when I went out. It was almost like I got used to smaller events, and sometimes needed something more stimulating to get my social 'fix'

-I just got more chatty and outgoing in general.

Looking back, I feel a lot of my introverted tendencies were a result of a social skill/comfort deficit I had. They felt like a core part of my personality at the time, but looking back I don't know if they were.

That said, I still love spending some days all by myself doing nothing. But it's good to have the ability to switch into a social mode when I want to.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#32

Post by arnaudsj »

Being an introvert is not directly related to poor social skills. It means that you get your energy from within, from being alone with yourself. Others drain that energy from you and that's why in settings where a lot of people are around, you feel uncomfortable, and wear out very quickly. Extraverted people get energized from being around people, which is completely the opposite.

You can succeed in life being either way. Actually, a recent study showed that now close to 50% of the Fortune 2000's CEOs did acknowledge to be introverted! All that it means, is really that you need to respect your needs, and keep yourself on a schedule where you have enough alone time to charge up, and then pick the place & time to unleash all that energy to others.

You are so lucky that being in 2010, you can now also interact and network with many people the electronic way ;) This is not a replacement for the real thing, but it can definitely help you improve your social skills in an environment that does not drain your energy, nor makes you feel uncomfortable.

The bottom line? Embrace yourself, be who you are and nurture your passions & what excites you. I personally know many very successful introverts, so don't let this be your excuse for not reaching out for the stars!

Cheers!

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#33

Post by rayder »

Just curious, what university are you at?

I am in the exact same situation. I just moved in to my dorm 3 weeks ago and I don't have any good friends yet. I tend to just play guitar in my room, and when I get a stir crazy I head to the library and read some math books or do some programming.

For me, it is a conscious choice that has fluctuating results. I choose to be introverted because I am not intelligent enough to socialize frequently and accomplish what I desperately want to accomplish. I am an average guy trying to work at a level far above my own, and doing so requires every second of my time (Sunday is my recharge day, if any of you were wondering).

But I have been getting lonely lately. It's strange, because I've always been this way and it has never affected me before. Maybe it's because I'm in New York City and surrounded by people doing things with other people. I remember there being an article recently about people feeling alone in New York City - I am starting to feel like that article had it all wrong, that it is very possible to feel alone here.

I do wish I could find people with similar interests though. I had a lot of friends back in high school who listened to metal. I haven't found anyone here yet. I know there are people here who are passionate about math, but I am not even close to their skill level. And I think all the programmers are hiding in their rooms as well.

It is difficult to be in this mindset though. When I am socializing, I desperately want to be alone, and when I'm alone, theres that tiny thought in the back of my mind that says I should be meeting people. Back home it was overwhelmed with my obsession with learning and practicing, and I thought it would be the same here... I don't know. I'm rambling.

Know why you like to be alone, and do it for the right reasons. But don't think that it doesn't come at a price. I know I'm going to have to find someone with similar interests soon, as I'm starting to feel like I'm living in a sea of people who don't interest me at all. And that is a bad feeling to have, especially when you know its not true.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#34

Post by zalew »

nandemo wrote: post #22
zalew wrote: post #12

Being an introvert has nothing to do with having bad social skills, mate. It's just perception directed towards yourself, feeling good being alone, etc. but it does not have to result in bad social relations. It's common among geeks to be introvert just like extraverts occupy f.ex. PR and media, and there's nothing wrong with that. Frankly I don't get what advice are you seeking - you can't force yourself to hang wit…

> Being an introvert has nothing to do with having bad social skills, mate. Well, they aren't the same thing but they're definitely related. I think the title question isn't very good. It's a sort of leading question. Why, of course it's OK to be an introvert. By any reasonable definition a large part of the world's population are introverts, and introversion itself isn't a mental disorder. So most people (especially…

> Being an introvert has nothing to do with having bad social skills, mate.

Well, they aren't the same thing but they're definitely related.

I don't agree. Last I checked I match most of the points describing an introvert and I consider myself one. Some of my friends from IT field I know very well also match the description. None of us has problems socializing, partying, meeting people, picking up girls or maintaining relationships.

For me, the key points of being an introvert is feeling comfortable being alone with yourself (not to confuse with lonely), living your way and not being very concerned about acceptance of other people (opposed to extravert). None of that means that you have a disability to socialize, you just perceive social relations in a different way, and as long as you are happy with that, there's nothing wrong. As you stated, if one feels that has issues, he should probably change that, but IMO it's not the 'being introvert' part to change, just their social skills maybe need some improvement. Extravert people also can have social problems, that can lead to even stronger issues as they seek acceptance of outside world.

For these you'd probably need to see a therapist.

Social skills are things you just can learn, as any other skill. Therapy states that sth is wrong, there's nothing wrong in lack of knowledge.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#35

Post by [deleted] »

sivers wrote: post #28

You'd be surprised how many of us really are introverts. I talk about this subject with successful people quite often at conferences like TED, because it's so difficult and painful for me to be social even for a few hours a day at these events. Almost everyone says the same thing, "Oh no. I'm an introvert. This is exhausting to me. I can't wait to get back to my room. But I can keep it up for a couple necessary hours…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#36

Post by SomeCallMeTim »

danilocampos wrote: post #10

I spent a decent amount of my life thinking there was something wrong with me for being an introvert. This is mostly because everyone who isn't introverted sees it as really weird. I'm just happier alone, or with a small group. And now I accept that, and it's great. Even though that's true, I loved selling Dyson vacuum cleaners when I was a kid. I still love persuading people to see things my way and speaking in publ…

I had a similar experience: I tend to the introvert side of the spectrum, but when I got stuck in a job booth I was suddenly calling people across to talk to me. If anyone made eye contact with me, they were doomed. :)

And the really funny thing was, in contrast to normal situations where "being social" exhausted me, I found I gained energy from the interactions. Yet I was still my normal introverted self after it was over.

Funny how a situation can change your effective personality. :)

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#37

Post by dustyreagan »

As a fellow introvert, I recommend forcing yourself outside of your comfort zone. I highly recommend learning to partner dance (swing dance, country western, or salsa). Dancing is great practice for social interaction + girls!

Yes, it's exhausting to socialize, but you'll grow your social skills, and you can use those skills when you really need them in the future.

Some skills come naturally to people, other people have to practice to get good at them. Social skills are no exception.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#38

Post by icegreentea »

rayder wrote: post #33

Just curious, what university are you at? I am in the exact same situation. I just moved in to my dorm 3 weeks ago and I don't have any good friends yet. I tend to just play guitar in my room, and when I get a stir crazy I head to the library and read some math books or do some programming. For me, it is a conscious choice that has fluctuating results. I choose to be introverted because I am not intelligent enough to…

Hey there. I just finished off a year in residence, so I think I can offer a few pointers. Especially regarding metal. First of all, if possible, play your favourite metal really loud. A metal head (or RA) will knock on your door. Second of all, if you have a band shirt, wear it sometime. A fellow metalhead will find you. This works.

During your first few weeks/couple months at residence, you gotta try to force yourself to meet people. This is when people will be the most open and ready to make friends, and blow off stupid mistakes. Keep your door open when you play guitar. Likely, someone will drop by, if even to see where the guitar sound is coming from. If anyone else has their door open, drop by and try to get a hook into their interests.

That said, it is a common enough situation. I can easily count off a lot of my friends in my programs as being in your situation. I've found myself in those situations as well. Part of it is simply not being comfortable in a particular group. When you're hanging, you want to be alone cause you're not comfortable, but when you're alone, you remember the comfort that you use to get when with your group of ESTABLISHED friends.

Unfortunately, there is no easy "fix". I really don't want to say that being introverted is a problem, but finding yourself in the situation in university (especially first year) where you have no one else to turn to when crunch time rolls around, or some shit hits the fan can be deeply troubling.

That said, if you're in a challenging program, it's likely that you'll get another opportunity to bond whenever midterms/projects/finals rolls around. Bitching and toiling through work can do some wonders to getting to know people/building relationships. I think that's the entire mentality of how engineering programs are put together. Just pile on the work, and they'll unify in their bitching.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#40

Post by wh-uws »

Of course its a okay. You can go through life just fine not interacting with people / not enjoying it.

But if you don't want to be that way, what you have to understand is why you "tend to be communicative with people who share similar interests" ( ).

Those people you think are highly sociable, at least more-so than you, are really just conversing about things that you either don't know anything about or don't find interesting.

So you can either: a) learn more about those things so that when they come up you can have good points to bring up or b) accept that those aren't the kind of people you want to interact with anyway because they don't share similar interests.

Like I can talk about music with just about anyone or the Tech Industry all day. But I'm only passable when it comes to Basketball, Football, Soccer or Hockey and in descending order.

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