Earlier quoted context omitted.
It's a "real" language, it's just not a terribly good or fast one. It's works decently when its use is limited to what it was made for: manipulating web pages. For anything else, the "designed on the back of a used piece of toilet paper" starts to shine through. And no, a JIT can't save you from this, it can only make things acceptable. That it can create "real world value" is an extremely low bar, which is passed by…
Why the shot at COBOL here? COBOL's creation of "real world value" by comparison is hardly a low bar: https://thenewstack.io/cobol-everywhere-will-maintain/
Existing projects were written in whatever language for whatever reasons, it's "Would I start a project in this language today?" that's the bar to beat in terms of language "quality" and, in that sense, COBOL is a fairly low bar for most domains.