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Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

news.ycombinator.com

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Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#61

Post by SwellJoe »

bzerkfury wrote: post #45
okeumeni wrote: post #31

From my own experience: It may seem crazy, but try this. Climb down your geek tower and stop judging people (you may be judging people without even knowing it), then will come respect for people. When you respect anyone around, you will gradually find interest in them; That will help break the ice, conversation will come easy and you’ll found out that people are much interesting than you think.

I couldn't agree more. During Y Combinator, there were two guys sitting behind me. They said something along the lines of "Not to be sterotypical but I am suspicious of any girls here. They're probably just project managers and not really hackers." Not a very "social" tactical move to do when there were about two girls around the area who heard his comment and some hackers wonder why girls don't talk to them.

And, of course, they were wrong (and had they actually talked to some of the girls, they would have known that). I met one young woman who is a CompSci major and has built and sold a Facebook app. I'd give good odds that she'll out-hack and out-earn those two fellows by an order of magnitude in her lifetime. It's a small sample size, and I didn't meet any other women that I didn't previously know from YC, but 100% of the women (er, woman) I met at Startup School were hackers.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#62

Post by giles_bowkett »

Pickup-chicks stuff I have to give very mixed reviews. Yes walking up and introducing yourself to people will make you better at talking to them. That much is certainly undeniable. But the online communities associated with such things have some significant downsides.

I hate to do this but I'm going to advocate acting classes. The reason I hate to do it is there's always somebody in an improv class who's obviously just there to become more spontaneous. If you study acting because you have a genuine interest in doing it, people who are there to become more spontaneous, or better at public speaking, or whatever, are just annoying as hell. Acting classes do make you socially adept but PLEASE avoid serious professional acting classes in favor of weekend workshops at community colleges. Also if you are "that guy" and you're taking acting classes without any real interest in acting please understand that the serious actors want you to die.

I think the best option suggested here is user groups and presentations in front of other geeks. Not because talking to geeks is going to expose you to incredible social skills - far from it - but because sincere interest is a much healthier motivator for any type of social activity than the desire to be social for its own sake.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#63

Post by mikesabat »

culley wrote: post #6

Consider attending a political event. You'll be surrounded by only the socially adept who will all be forced to at least talk to you momentarily. Watch as they work a room. A relatively cheap donation will get you invited. Consider it a training fee. You'll learn more about power and interpersonal relationships in a night than a month of sitting by yourself at the bar. btw - I second that this is a skill that does no…

Be sure to donate to Obama.

Also, go to programmer meetups. It will be many people that you can empathize with. You'll have a lot in common with the crowd an it is a good way to start.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#64

Post by yters »

epi0Bauqu wrote: post #7

What exactly is most troubling for you?

I don't know. I shut down around the more social, outgoing people. It's partially a vicious regression of awkward self consciousness, and feeling ashamed about said self consciousness.

The other part is dreadful boredom, which I know sounds way arrogant, but I'm not saying I'm bored because I think I'm better (though that's part of it). I also seem to lack something, not sure what. I've heard about people with small souls and no chests, and I think that's me.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#65

Post by okeumeni »

ardit33 wrote: post #55
bzerkfury wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I couldn't agree more. During Y Combinator, there were two guys sitting behind me. They said something along the lines of "Not to be sterotypical but I am suspicious of any girls here. They're probably just project managers and not really hackers." Not a very "social" tactical move to do when there were about two girls around the area who heard his comment and some hackers wonder why girls don't talk to them.

or maybe those girls are trying to score a future millionare... hehe... ok, just kidding. But in some "Tech parties" you always seem some of them and it is very easy to spot the Gold Digging types.

Pure in-the-hole-hacker thinking.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#66

Post by yters »

petercooper wrote: post #46

Some great answers on here! Just wanted to give a contrary view though.. I tried becoming more "socially adept" for quite a while, but even though I can put on a pretty lively appearance on the outside, it's just not me. I'm an introvert and I accept that. One of the best bits of advice I've heard recently is to "focus on strengths, not weaknesses." That is, there's no point hammering away improving at things you're…

I think that's good advice, but I also do think I'm missing something. For some reason I am just not at ease around others, and I don't get it. I think I lack a sense of self, there's always a need for confirmation from others, not that you would think so if you knew me.

Essentially, there is something missing and I feel disconnected from others. I cannot engage them on an intuitive level, I engage them on an analytical level which tries to look natural, because my intuition is not normal, i.e. doesn't sync with most people. I think this is true for many introverts, and is why they tend to be exhausted by social interaction.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#67

Post by yters »

dbreunig wrote: post #25

Come on, this isn't about hacking people." Forget the X minutes, forget the competition, and just get out for face time with people. Go to events that you're actually interested in (talking to someone with similar interests is stacking the deck), join a club or society in the same vein. When you've got a free night, check out the local calendar. Whatever you do, just get in the habit of going out, going out, going ou…

Yeah, I've tried this to some extent, and I'm no social recluse. Right now my main source of socialization is attending a church service with people my age (who aren't a bunch of cloistered preacher kids). I do this at least once every weekend. I also meet with an older couple, interact with classmates and teachers, etc. I've also tried going clubbing with groups of people, but the clubs depress me. I seem to be able to get along great with people outside my peer group (i.e. older and younger who don't see me as equal), but I strike out with anyone my age.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#68

Post by ken »

crisachow14 wrote: post #50
swoodtke wrote: post #18

I went with my friend to the convenience store on the weekend. He spent a couple of minutes chatting with the clerk behind the counter while I watched. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. He later told me that he didn't feel at all comfortable during the conversation. He said that he has been trying to "bust out of his geeky shell" by talking to random people. To me it looked like he was just a friend…

Introverted people need to break out of their shell and 'just do things'. This applies to pretty much everything. If you fail, try, try again and you will eventually succeed whether you want to be able to socialize with people or learn a new language or whatever it is that you truly desire.

Introverts do not have a shell that needs breaking. We're not (necessarily) antisocial. We don't refrain from 'doing things'.

We just don't get energized from being around people. This doesn't mean we can't or don't. Like any aspect of temperament, it's mostly immutable: even a socially adept introvert (which I like to think I am) is still an introvert.

Wikipedia puts it well: "Introversion is not the same as shyness, though introverts may also be shy. Introverts choose solitary over social activities by preference, whereas shy people avoid social encounters out of fear."

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#69

Post by yters »

mrtron wrote: post #19

Read "How to Make Friends and Influence People". Oh you said besides that...well practice what it preaches. Us folk (geeks/nerds/hackers) tend to like to show how much we know about a subject. Some old dude is talking about how his phone can now surf the web...what do you say? Act a bit surprised and ask him a bit more about the subject. Let HIM show what he knows, and get that little feeling of self-importance. Don'…

Boy, yeah, I have that problem. In my undergrad, there was a teacher I really respected, and I really wanted to get to know him, but I always felt like such a waste of his time. Happens with most older guys I really respect who don't go out of their way to befriend me.

However, if it's a matter of professional self interest, there's no problem. I'm quite bold going up and talking to people very senior in rank.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#70

Post by yters »

rokhayakebe wrote: post #38

You need not to talk much. I have read somewhere that if you listen 90% of the time and talk 10% of the time, people will find you very interesting and socially adept. Life as an introvert can be quite hard.

Eh, or if you're me people think your weird and aloof, or some kind of aspie.
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