Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents • Hacker News Board

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#81

Post by amerkhalid » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:40 PM UTC

michaelgrafl wrote: post #57

sathackr wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What consequences could you imagine a parent should allow a 10 year old to experience? The consequences of an abnormal sexual development or an unhealthy attitude towards females due to stumbling across hardcore porn and becoming addicted to it at a young age? The consequences of mistaking someone on the internet as a friend and giving them your full address and name so they could bring you ice cream? There are thing…

That's what makes parenting hard. You have to make those decisions. Ideally, you protect your child from things that will damage them permanently, but let them enough freedom to experiment and get hurt, so they can have a true learning experience. For example, I don't think a 10 year old will develop an unhealthy attitude towards females just because of watching porn. I would guess you can talk about gender issues an…

Personally, I am not too worried about porn. What worries me is disturbing news and sometimes gory details along with them. These things bother me for days as an adult. I cannot imagine what would happen to a young developing brain if a child read such things.

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#82

Post by zAy0LfpBZLC8mAC » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:40 PM UTC

sathackr wrote: post #16

Trust. But verify. Step-father of a 12 year old boy here. We started monitoring his internet after we caught him looking at inappropriate videos on youtube. He knows he is being monitored and I only block actual porn sites. Neither of us like it but until he has earned our trust back, the situation will not change. I'm his parent, not his friend. My job isn't to make him like me, it's to raise him with proper values…

> Trust. But verify.

Give it as a gift. But sell it.

AKA, you are contradicting yourself.

> We started monitoring his internet after we caught him looking at inappropriate videos on youtube.

Yeah, that's a great move. You are uncomfortable with something, so you limit his freedom to perceive it. That's going to lead to a great relationship where he will trust you with real problems in the future.

> Neither of us like it but until he has earned our trust back, the situation will not change.

The thing is, you won't earn his trust back unless you stop that bullshit.

> My job isn't to make him like me, it's to raise him with proper values and protect him from the dangers he doesn't yet know exist or may not yet understand.

You being uncomfortable is not a danger to him, it's a danger to you, and you are abusing him to help yourself.

> If I do it right, he will thank me later.

Problem is, you aren't doing it right, and he certainly won't thank you later, at least not for that. He will keep a distance to you and avoid you for advice because you make him solve your problems, so you are not a reliable source of advice in his interest.

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#83

Post by danaris » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:41 PM UTC

Mononokay wrote: post #49

sathackr wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What consequences could you imagine a parent should allow a 10 year old to experience? The consequences of an abnormal sexual development or an unhealthy attitude towards females due to stumbling across hardcore porn and becoming addicted to it at a young age? The consequences of mistaking someone on the internet as a friend and giving them your full address and name so they could bring you ice cream? There are thing…

It might just be a generational thing, but how stupid do you think ten year olds are? It's silly to think that even an eight year old is as naive as you're describing - you should just tell your child what he shouldn't do, and let him go on those guidelines.

I think most eight- or ten-year-olds of my acquaintance (present or former) would, if simply told, "Don't do X," be strongly inclined to immediately go out and do X.

If, however, they were told, "It's not a good idea to do X, because Y," they'd be much more likely to think twice about it.

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#84

Post by martin1b » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:44 PM UTC

Speaking as a father of a large family ranging from 1 year to 14 years, to understand the child and their weaknesses and exposing them to the child at the appropriate time is paramount.

When a toddler looks in the cabinet for toys and finds poison, we find that as an issue. So, we put the poison up, and/or install a lock. The same goes for the dangers of teens. They aren't ready for some things of internet, including porn and cyber bulling. As parents, we use parental controls to limit access to xrated channels on our tv. It makes sense to limit content to internet connected devices that do the same. We don't need a formalized study to see what access to porn can do to a person. It's been documented many times.

My experience has been, at this point in a childs life, you need to have, or establish a good relationship with your child and help them understand that you are protecting them from harm that they don't fully understand yet. They need to understand this protection is a joint effort between you and them for their best interest.

Some may say this is overprotected parenting. Let's not go overboard here. I've seen so many uninvolved parents, which is far worse than overprotected. I've found the middle ground is the most effective. Add controls to obvious problem sites and apps. Watch remotely from time to time (as sathackr said, trust but verify). Then, periodically, sit down with your child to see how they are doing and how you can help do the right thing online.

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#85

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:44 PM UTC

sathackr wrote: post #16

Trust. But verify. Step-father of a 12 year old boy here. We started monitoring his internet after we caught him looking at inappropriate videos on youtube. He knows he is being monitored and I only block actual porn sites. Neither of us like it but until he has earned our trust back, the situation will not change. I'm his parent, not his friend. My job isn't to make him like me, it's to raise him with proper values…

[deleted]

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#86

Post by ceejayoz » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:44 PM UTC

Veelox wrote: post #65

malnourish wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>The consequences of an abnormal sexual development or an unhealthy attitude towards females due to stumbling across hardcore porn and becoming addicted to it at a young age? Do you have evidence/sources to back this claim?

Would you really let your 10 year old watch porn?

Would your 10 year old really watch porn?

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#87

Post by zAy0LfpBZLC8mAC » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:48 PM UTC

marsrover wrote: post #40

erispoe wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm curious, what do you think is the right age to give full access?

I haven't really decided yet. Right now I'm leaning toward 15. Hopefully by then we have mapped out a vast majority of the sites she actually uses and it's not much of a transition.

I would think that is way too late unless she turns out to be an idiot without any interest in anything. You cannot reasonably research anything with a whitelist.

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#88

Post by zAy0LfpBZLC8mAC » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:49 PM UTC

Veelox wrote: post #65

malnourish wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>The consequences of an abnormal sexual development or an unhealthy attitude towards females due to stumbling across hardcore porn and becoming addicted to it at a young age? Do you have evidence/sources to back this claim?

Would you really let your 10 year old watch porn?

Why not? (I mean, assuming you aren't talking about forcing them to, which you probably would have to to get them to?)

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#89

Post by wycy » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:50 PM UTC

sathackr wrote: post #16

Trust. But verify. Step-father of a 12 year old boy here. We started monitoring his internet after we caught him looking at inappropriate videos on youtube. He knows he is being monitored and I only block actual porn sites. Neither of us like it but until he has earned our trust back, the situation will not change. I'm his parent, not his friend. My job isn't to make him like me, it's to raise him with proper values…

Is blocking it more because you don't want to think about him looking at it, or because you actually think he will be damaged by looking at it? I'm sure I found porn at age 12 (now 30). Did you not?

Re: Teen monitoring apps don't work, and drive a wedge between teens and parents

#90

Post by moate » Wed, Apr 11, 2018, 2:51 PM UTC

Mononokay wrote: post #51

XCabbage wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Except that (assuming you define "young boy" anything like I do, and you live in the developed world) you were not free to get a job, due to child labor laws and mandatory schooling. I can't be too annoyed at your father, since most people don't even see the need to justify parents or teachers exercising authority over children, but if you ARE going to try to philosophically justify it, pretending that a child is jus…

Child labor laws and mandatory schooling are draconian - there really needs to be a fast-laned way for kids to test out of it.

Draconian is defined as a law that is "overly harsh or sever". It comes from a Greek legal scribe to tied severe punishments to minor offenses.

No. That is not what those laws are. Mostly because you can "home school" a kid in the U.S. as a way around the mandatory schooling (there's just mandatory testing...which is what you want, a way to test out of the system)