It all made sense when we found out we were autistic

> I'm curious about your "mask" statement. I have that same feeling, and experience with alcohol.

Same, but I still drink a lot. It helps clear my mind. It's really apparent when two distinct groups of friends meet and the masks that I used for each set (which tend to be different) need to be reconciled. That can be uncomfortable.

> Do you ever imagine yourself to be a robot?

Oh hell yes, when I was younger (I'm nearly 40 now) especially. I desperately wanted to be a robot. Now, I mostly just love robots, and have built them (https://sendcat.com/dl/LcVKl5kWv6LJZEYusgVq9bLoieURiffZX7cKa...).

> Or do you memorize and rehearse things to say in social situations?

Kinda, but not in the "rehearsing a talk" sort of way. I do pick things that I've heard and apply them in other similar social situations though.

> I often feel like I am operating a virtual machine at social gatherings.

I've had that feeling, also that it feels like a game at times. Interestingly it feels like I'm creating a neural network of how what to do and say, but not the one in my brain, one of my own making.

> I tunnel in and give myself commands to operate like a normal human being, but I take absolutely no pleasure from the social interactions.

I think at this point playing the game has become almost transparent to me, it turns out I'm pretty good at it. I've developed a set of behaviours that work in most situations I find myself in (user groups (talks, the bar after), conferences, weddings, etc. etc.) and I do enjoy the friends I've made at the local Ruby and Go groups.

I do still have to force myself to do certain things though. Ask about people etc. Switch the conversation from what I want to talk about to them.

> I also get EXTREMELY tired, very quickly, even though I am able to function for a brief period at a fairly high level.

Social situations tire me too, though I can definitely manage full conference days or weeks of company meetup if I push myself. Towards the end I'll just spend hours by myself recharging, put on a smile and throw myself out there again.

It's tiring, but ultimately rewarding. I've made friends, I've had good jobs etc.

It is not completely obvious to me what kind of elaboration you desire. So if my longer explanation here misses the point this is probably the reason. :-)

In your trial to find out the strange rules of society you surely made unwillingly lots of accidental experiments that often went wrong. At the end you probably developed some kind of theory of how humans seem to behave, where each rule that you developed is backed up by evidence from an accidental experiment.

If you are interested in history of physics, you surely are aware that developing even what is called "classical mechanics" (I don't even want to start with electromagnetism, relativity or quantum physics) was a lifetime work of many generations of scientists. What a waste of time would it have been if everyone of them had to start from point 0.

So you accidentally have developed something that might be a start of some kind of theory of how people/society really behave(s) (rather think of pre-Newton physics, e.g. Galilei already found out that (ignoring air resistance) the falling time is independent of the mass and the falling time increases by square root of the height; of course where these "strange" laws with strong experimental evidence come from needed the invention of calculus).

So back to "What a waste of time would it have been if everyone of them had to start from point 0.". What a waste of time is it when people all the time had to derive all those laws to which "ordinary" people in society behave (and cannot explain why) from ground up.

So document the rules about people/society/... that you found out and document the experimental evidence that gives strong evidence to you that these rules that you state do indeed hold (a scientific theory is worth nothing if it is not accompanied by a proper documentation of the experimental evidence for it).

Perhaps (if it not embarrassing to you) it is a good idea to use tools that the web provides (e.g. some kind of wiki or Github) so that other people can cross-check your theories, validate your evidence or present counter-theories which also explain your experimental evidence.

You are in a very early phase in a theory of the hidden rules of society (as I told: think where Galilei was in terms of classical mechanics), so this means you probably have to consider lots of frustrating foundational questions. So you are perhaps a true pioneer. But I believe it is worth it, because this might enable researchers who work in AI better understand humans/society.

I don't think it's worth speculating on the past, on whether one approach would have been generally better than the other. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

I do believe in one aspect of the argument, and that is one of empathy. If you see someone struggling with something, or they are exhibiting a "trait" that you think isn't normal, then finding a way to help them is a worthy goal.

I think the problem here is trying to understand and define what is "normal" and what "traits" are worth looking out for. This is where things start to devolve in philosophical disagreements. As other commenters have said in the thread, there is a difference between being socially shy, having extreme social anxiety, and being autistic. Even in the realm of the autism spectrum you have different issues and presentations to address. When is something actually a problem? How do you identify the problem, and then how do you address that problem?

I don't think it's as black and white as we want to believe. I think labels and diagnosis can help, and they can hurt. The most important thing is to be aware, and to have empathy and compassion for others.

1. Smiling and making eye contact are both HUGE levers (but you have to be careful not to overdo it). (And an interesting thing about smiling is that it has a reverse-feedback effect: if you smile, it actually makes you feel happier.)

2. What you wear matters. It shouldn't, but it does. Read "Dress for success."

3. Spend more time listening than talking. Ask more questions than you answer, even if you know all the answers. The object of the game is not to show off how much you know, it is to provide others with opportunities to show off how much they know.

4. Help with the grunt work even when you think it is beneath you.

5. Con't complain. Ever. About anything. (This is just a first-order approximation. There are situations under which it's OK to complain, but that's an advanced course :-) And this is one of the few situations where erring on one extreme will not get you into trouble. To the contrary, if you cement a reputation as someone who never complains even when you have good cause to, people will like you more. I'm personally still working on this one.)

Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with this. Just look at all the people here trying to second-guess my own self-assessment!