I do great one on one, probably better than most. I can converse without focusing on myself. I inquire, listen, reciprocate. What I suck at is group talk. Part of it is that I'm actually following what everyone is saying and not looking for the point when I can interrupt with a comment. Though what most people say in such situations, particularly amongst tenuous friendships or uncommon coworkers amounts to low level banter.
The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
21–30 of 86 posts
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#22This kind of "awkwardness" is felt as a result of being stuck in your head. It's only awkward if you're worried about making a mistake. But you can relax, you're allowed to make mistakes. No one except you really cares if you said something stupid or rude or pointless.
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#23Conversation Zen Levels from lowest zen to highest: Level 1: The conversation does not involve talking about your job. This is only acceptable in business network situations. If you are not at a trade show, business event, in an interview or at work you shouldn't talk about work. This is the most pathetic type of small talk, as it immediately puts you in a social class/stereotype bucket. Level 2: The conversation doe…
Can you try not using double negatives like "does not involve ... activities outside first-hand knowledge"? It's really hard to read, especially since I'm tired.
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#24Conversation Zen Levels from lowest zen to highest: Level 1: The conversation does not involve talking about your job. This is only acceptable in business network situations. If you are not at a trade show, business event, in an interview or at work you shouldn't talk about work. This is the most pathetic type of small talk, as it immediately puts you in a social class/stereotype bucket. Level 2: The conversation doe…
What does this have to do with Zen?
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#25Don't forget level five: being invited to social functions with people you don't know very well. Not only are you not in the comfort of your own home, not in control of the situation, and not able to make amusing conversation, but now a large group of people bear witness to your interpersonal epicfail and once the conversation runs dry may find yourself simply sitting in silence listening to whatever racket is being…
"So... how's about that local sports team?"
In my experience people know what it is like to be stuck as "that guy" in such a situation, and they've all had to endure the Awkward Silence(tm), and they're cool with it. Let them toss you a lifeline - I find that directly exposing the awkwardness of the situation gets a few ironic laughs and also gives you the excuse to completely diverge from the previous conversation path.
Awkward Silences(tm) happen, people know they happen. The trick is that if you let it bother you, people around you will let it bother them (and their perception of you). The only solution is to barge right on through it as if you don't care.
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#26Earlier quoted context omitted.
>Never ever say "It was nice meeting you" and walk away wait a second... I do that all the time. what's bad about it?
Was it really nice to meet them? Or are you trying to ditch them? When someone pulls the 'it was nice meeting you' gambit on you - are you relieved or do you like being ditched?
It's ambiguous. That's the point. The relationship will remain ambiguous until it is tested in some way.
Some people -- not that I would stereotype us computer folks this way -- are extremely averse to social ambiguity, but most people are pretty comfortable with it. If they need to know something (does that chick like me?) they'll find out in the natural course of things (when they ask her out.) In the meantime, if they really, really care, they'll have some anxiety over it, but that doesn't apply to most interactions. You don't really need to know right now if that person found it nice to meet you, and rushing to figure it out only increases the chances that you'll end up believing something false.
Since people are generally okay with ambiguity, it's a no-brainer to them to observe identical social niceties in some situations regardless of their actual feelings. There's no point in alienating someone unnecessarily, especially since you might change your mind later. "Man, what a day. I hated the latte I got this morning, I hated the ham sandwich I got for lunch, I hated work, and then I ran into that wallflower douchebag at the grocery store. Come to think of it, it's probably just me; I hated everything today. wallflower is probably a decent guy. Maybe I'll invite him to my party this weekend." Because things can change moment-to-moment, even especially perceptive people who can see through the niceties treat a lot of what they perceive as provisional. They don't go back to their lair and add a row to their enemies database because somebody was a little frosty at the grocery store.
P.S. The average person's tolerance for social ambiguity is one reason why it's so frustrating to try to get tips from people who have a lot of social confidence. We go to great lengths to figure things out to increase our comfort level and avoid doing the wrong thing; they don't sweat it if something isn't obvious to them, and when they need to know something, they use a low-risk probe that at worst results in a mild but informative "mistake." Usually the real challenge is not an analytical challenge of figuring out the situation but a creative challenge of coming up with something to do or say that will turn out okay no matter what the situation actually is, and will hopefully yield more information so you can refine your approach.
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#27I do great one on one, probably better than most. I can converse without focusing on myself. I inquire, listen, reciprocate. What I suck at is group talk. Part of it is that I'm actually following what everyone is saying and not looking for the point when I can interrupt with a comment. Though what most people say in such situations, particularly amongst tenuous friendships or uncommon coworkers amounts to low level…
Hear, hear. I dread having conversations in large groups. Make it a loud bar, and I just find a reason not to go. A conversation with 3 people might work. @ 4+ it just turns into a mess. I either don't say enough, or jump in at the wrong time and cut someone off because I am afraid someone else will jump in.
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#28One of my neighbors has the habit of ending his conversations with, "Well, I don't have anything left to say" and then going back to his apartment. I like that about him.
Other than that, I didn't like the article. From what I've seen of this blog, the blogger seems far too interested in seeking recognition for her often-childish neuroses rather than developing the self-efficacy to do anything about them. There's no shame in admitting you're too tired to hang out, and there's no need to greet an acquaintance at the grocery store with any more than a nod and a "hey man" if you don't have anything to say.
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#29Conversation Zen Levels from lowest zen to highest: Level 1: The conversation does not involve talking about your job. This is only acceptable in business network situations. If you are not at a trade show, business event, in an interview or at work you shouldn't talk about work. This is the most pathetic type of small talk, as it immediately puts you in a social class/stereotype bucket. Level 2: The conversation doe…
"...and then just don't talk unless you can achieve that zen level..."
Heh, let me know when you figure out how to pull this off.
Re: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment
#30Personally, I just say "excuse me" and walk away from all uncomfortable or boring conversations.