I first reached out to my network of developers I've hired in the past for contract work to fix the problem. Three of them either a) couldn't figure it out or b) got bored working on it and said they didn't want to spend any more time on it.
I then asked a few gracious dev friends for advice. This got me some theories and ideas that I've spent a great deal of time trying to prove out. I have not been successful though. We keep crashing hourly.
So I turn to you, HN to see if there's anyone on here who'd be interested in fixing this problem for our company. We're a two-man business, ad-supported and ramen-profitable, that gives people in Chicago a central place to share and talk about their favorite local stories.
This has been going on for close to two months though, and our users are getting sick of it. I'm doing a bad job taking care of them by not getting this fixed but am running out of options and people to ask about working on this.
I realize debugging the hosting set up on a complex Drupal site isn't the sexiest type of freelance gig to take on, but if there's interest in this, I will provide more detail in the comments and also explain why this is in fact a sexy job to take on.