Ask HN: Please review the advertising page for an iPhone game I made w/ a friend

http://onehotgaming.com/perilcanyon

Hey everybody, thanks for taking the time to look at this.

A little background: a friend from college and I put together this game over the last few weeks, based on a project for a class we took together our senior year. This is entirely a side project, but since we put a lot of work into making the game, we want to put enough work into selling it so we have at least a shot of making it successful. Since we're very much novices at this sort of thing, we'd really appreciate some advice from the HN community.

This is our advertising page (for submitting to review sites, etc.). Basically we want it to be the landing page for any potential customers.

Some specific things I'd like feedback on:

  1) How is the game description copy?
     (Is it too verbose? Should it be a bulleted list?)
  2) Does the color scheme/layout work?
  3) How's the video?

Related: any tips for good iPhone game review sites to pitch this to?

Tangentially related: can anyone recommend a decent A/B testing tool for Django?

1. You can afford to cut the second sentence in the first paragraph. Like so.

"Take control of an F-22 fighter jet as you hurtle down a narrow, winding canyon. Using the accelerometer, dodge obstacles and avoid the ever-narrower canyon walls."

As opposed to:

"Take control of an F-22 fighter jet as you hurtle down a narrow, winding canyon. You have good cover down in the canton's depths, but your enemies with their missiles are in hot pursuit, hoping you fly too high and give them a clear shot. Using the accelerometer, dodge obstacles and avoid the ever-narrower canyon walls"

You can trim the paragraph down without losing all that much.

On the second paragraph, I'd take out the jargon and make the first sentence simpler. The second sentence is pretty good, and does a good job of closing the description.

2. The color scheme's layout is a bit unclear, because of a lack of alignment and visual guides. The #CCD color is a little soft, and doesn't have enough contrast with the black to be clear. I'd like it if it was just black and white for the color choice. I understand the call-to-action button should be prominent, but there are other ways to highlight a call-to-action than the gray button with white colored font.

I'd lose the beveled type with drop shadow over an embossed rounded rectangle though. The logos could use a little work, that whole header could some work, I'm not gonna lie.

3. The video could look better if you hosted it from within your site, and used more and varied shots to make it more exciting than gameplay over song". Think of how videogame commercials are usually put together. Especially the ones produced for your target market.

I haven't played the game yet, but congratulations on releasing it! Best of luck and I hope to see a sequel!

Hm. Seems I'm not offering enough incentive for more people to care about reviewing my stuff. Maybe if there were an actual playable game involved that people could try out?

What engine did you use BTW?

The plane does have very little ambient lighting, it's pretty much all specular. The idea was that this would help make it look more "steath fighter-like", but thanks for the feedback that it's not accomplishing that particularly well.

I'll have to think about what to do with the video. Video editing is kinda a big time sink, but I definitely like the idea of putting the iPhone frame around it to make the screen bigger.

Thanks!