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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#611

Post by nofilter »

erikb wrote: post #541
kokey wrote: post #508

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a…

Also, it's hard but not impossible. I'm in that situation right now, where I work in a new location but most of my colleagues have established lifes here. However there are also a small number of colleagues in similar situations, and also there's some movement going on all the time. So yes, my friendships don't grow as quickly as I'd like, but they grow. One thing to note though is that one needs to pursue it proacti…

I'm way too straight-forward of a person in a sense that I rarely keep anything I'm thinking to myself, to a fault. But that also means I'm not afraid to be rejected and people can always expect honesty from me. Charisma goes along way with people like me, because without it, we're just assholes.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#612

Post by macintux »

mratzloff wrote: post #529
zanny wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You forge friendship through common struggle. You need to offer one another something or you just introduce yourselves and let one another drift off in opposite directions without any bond forged. You form your first friendships really early on with an extremely strong commonality - the hugeness of the world and your lack of information about it. Literally everything is in common with your peers circa age 2-4 because…

I agree with your overall point, but wanted to point out that most marriages don't end in divorce—that's a myth. The highest rate was 41%, and it's been declining ever since.

I wonder, however, whether that's a positive improvement or reflects a reluctance to marry in the first place.

If two people living together for years split up without being married in the first place, it improves the divorce statistics but doesn't really change the underlying reality.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#613

Post by jacob019 »

gowld wrote: post #293
aianus wrote: post #217

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't want to be the first to say it, but it does feel very inappropriate and gay to ask another straight man that I barely know to hang out one-on-one. Which means that you need to meet potential friends through and with a group which makes it a lot more difficult.

That's a common form of homo-phobia (phobia as in fear, not as in hate). It's the attitude I see in people insecure about their own sexuality, who see a problem where there is none.

I can also relate to the awkwardness of asking someone to hang out one-on-one. It isn't necessarily borne out of sexual insecurity, but rather out of social awkwardness.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#614

Post by brango »

I'm surprised no one's mentioned the pick up community, AKA gaming (as in "The Game"). It's a good way for hetero guys to meet other hetero guys. A lot of people who stick with it are the type who want to better themselves in some way, which is quite inspiring. Plus, you'll learn skills to meet loads of girls as well, and it's up to you whether you choose to put in the time to have them as friends.

I know a lot of people who it's helped, and I've made some good friends through it as well. The social skills can also be translated to business/events so even if you're not interested in a stream of conquests, it can be valuable. It's the one thing I wish I'd found when I was at university.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#615

Post by heedlessly2 »

VLM wrote: post #99

The puzzle is unsolvable if you ask why can't I find friends. Probably nothing wrong with you. The puzzle is instantly solvable if you ask why can't I be a good friend to others. Lets see, at age 19 I was juggling part time school, Army Reserves service, a grunt manual labor job, and an internship fake job, I was kinda busy. At age 22 I was working a semi-challenging full time programming job while still going to sch…

nice life story, but the fact that you wrote this long story and explanation shows that perhaps you would want somebody to confide in but can't find that in real life. Otherwise, you wouldn't spill your life story to a bunch of strangers where your comment is a tangent from the mainpoint of OP.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#616

Post by mancerayder »

scardine wrote: post #495
shubb wrote: post #488

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If this were the case, it would be harder to find a romantic relationship as we age. Adjusting for life circumtance and type of relationship sought, I don't see evidence of this. What do you think?

According to my older female friends finding romantic relationships is getting harder for them. My older male friends are less and less interested in romance as they report finding sex with no strings attached is getting easier with age.

That's true.

But what's also true is women tend to want to settle down in their early-mid 30s (at least in large American cities, among professional types) and now they become simultaneously more selective. In a sense, women are always the 'choosers' with rare exceptions. Men tend to have wider nets, on average.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#617

Post by jacob019 »

waytogo wrote: post #419

Super nice thread with inspiring thoughts. My shot: Once I had a family with wonderful little kids I understood what 'quality time' really is. As much I enjoyed being with my friends or even ex-girl-friends: If I think back of what we did together (getting wasted, so-so vacations, mediocre dinner parties, boring talks at coffee shops) it's so much better now. It's funny: I am very often invited to dinner parties (pri…

Thanks for this. Hope to get to that place.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#618

Post by pteredactyl »

spacehome wrote: post #519
pteredactyl wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is realistic for the 'life narrative' ™, but I find it cynical and lacking in the free will department. If you want to make friends, truly, at any age, work at it and you'll figure it out!

Free will is an illusion. So is the idea that I'm going to just figure out my difficulty making friends.

I won't try to stop you from believing that. Be well!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#619

Post by jacob019 »

grimgrin wrote: post #367

There is going to be the personality type in here (see: me), that almost goes about friendships (subconsciously) like they do hobbies / new interests. You enjoy time with them, and then maybe after some time you sorta burn out. But also.. there are people you meet (in the past ~4 years it's been IRC buddies) and it connects extra well. Maybe they're people you really respect (I'm introspecting), and maybe you realize…

yep, hard to care about making the effort

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#620

Post by heedlessly2 »

macintux wrote: post #610
heedlessly2 wrote: post #594

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>if I waiting for people to invite me first I end up with 0 friend but then those other people are begrudgingly inviting you out of politeness since you asked, rather than being a genuine invite

It at least gives you an opportunity to get your foot in the door so next time it's a genuine invitation.

if you joined their whatsapp group out of self-invite and they begrudgingly obliged, then you will see all their invites and still be self-inviting yourself to their other events unless they personally asked you
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