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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#431

Post by el_cid »

b0rsuk wrote: post #369

Get a hobby. Start going to a place where people practice it. I'm over 30 and board games work well for me. Most people I play with are younger. The oldest of us, resembling the one from French Connection, is a former programmer(?) and regularly mops the floor with other players, often at games he's playing for the first time. I heard he attends dancing lessons too. I think it's a matter of getting your priorities ri…

It seems you might be rationalizing your lower-income a bit. Let me try to explain why. I agree about the work-life balance, but at 30 you're in the best shape you'll ever be: physically & mentally. In my opinion there is some sense in sacrificing a bit of the present in order to make the future more palatable. Especially at the age of 30. A bit of extra effort at this age can save a lot of trouble down the road. Granted you can take this to the extreme and be like your brother. But I've seen so many miserable people in their 50s at my workplace, living paycheck to paycheck, buy all kinds of useless trinkets and always talking about their next 'adventure' - a holiday to some expensive resort on the other side of the globe or something. I don't want to live like that at 50. I am willing to sacrifice some of my present time & enjoyment to avoid that.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#432

Post by girzel »

JimboOmega wrote: post #332
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

I am often late, despite trying not to be.

I am also sometimes early. I once arrived 24 hours early for a flight. On two occasions recently I arrived at a doctor's appointment the day before. The first time they thought it was quirky, the second time they looked at me as though there might be more wrong with me than they'd thought.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#433

Post by LaGrange »

shaklee3 wrote: post #342
JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

It's really not that hard unless you have kids. Just leave earlier. Like someone said, you wouldn't be late for a flight since you actually care.

You completely misunderstand how executive functioning deficiency works, it appears. While this was written by a person with chronic pain issues (you might not be aware of!), it applies to many other (often also invisible) disabilities: https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine....

"Just leave earlier" is about as useful an advice as "grow a new hand."

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#434

Post by galfarragem »

randomdata wrote: post #267
tinyhouse wrote: post #14

I think you can make good friends at any age, but you need the right environment for that. When you're young you spend a lot of time with the same people, like in school, which is the environment you need to build a close friendship. When you're older you tend to meet a lot of new people, but you don't have many opportunities to spend a lot of time together. Except at work, which is why many people make close friends…

I agree entirely. Friendship requires repetition. When you are older, your time gets spread across more activities, leaving less opportunity for repetitive time spent together. I'll add that the workplace can be problematic for friendship as there is extra room for undue hostility. If someone makes a mistake, for instance, that mistake may fall directly on your shoulders and friendships predicated on that type of sit…

I know that most people agree with you but strangely I consider the workplace a good place to make friends and get to know people. You are testing them all the time and you are able to see how they react in stressful situations. If someone is not compatible you'll know it within a short time.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#435

Post by memebox3v »

graylights wrote: post #260
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

As someone who regularly is late, I disagree. It's all a matter of consequences. I'm never late for a flight because I know it will cost me money. But I run late to work often because I know it the worse I'll get is some jokes. Unless I miss an important meeting, and then I make effort to be on time for. Fashionably late only makes sense if the others can continue without you. * 2 hours late to happy hour? glad you c…

I have also been late for a flight. And often very nearly late despite giving myself huge margins. Some people, like me, just have minds that have too much going on to keep track of. There is no dead space to organise things, its always moving, analysing roving. It just will not stfu. And so there is no breathing space to consider what is going on in the outside world. It's like trying to drive a car while eating pizza. You cant not eat pizza because its the most delicious thing in the world (thinking about stuff) but you must also drive (operate in the real world). Its bloody difficult being absent minded and we dont need you guys who have an easier time of things making us feel bad. Now your probably thinking, well I manage it, everyone else manages it. You are just lazy or self absorbed or both. No. Brains are different. I have a different brain that finds some things very difficult.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#436

Post by LaGrange »

Angostura wrote: post #389
JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

Yes, some people may have a neurological deficit. For most though, it’s not caring or lack of empathy

May I propose a certain other behaviour here might _actually_ show lack of empathy?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#437

Post by yason »

Friendships need presence and presence can be supported by hanging out and/or commitment. Ideally both but commonly by only one or the other.

Phases in life make hanging out easier in the early life and harder in midlife, then easier again when you're old. In turn, commitment usually depends on the particular individuals and not so much from the age.

The relationship between some friends you were hanging out with in your twenties might lack commitment and they tend to disappear as you grow older. Things were easy as long as you kept seeing each other anyway. Then again, some people you might see less frequently but you somehow know they'll always be there somehow when needed; that is commitment.

When you're middle-aged you don't generally have time to hang out. So you need to build on commitment instead: find people you actually care about and who actually care about you, and who can be relied on even if you can't see every month. Unfortunately, finding these people is a rarity. It's only slightly easier than finding a life-long spouse, and you probably can't expect to find more than a small handful during your life.

Friendships need to be intentionally nurtured but also sufficiently balanced. It's easy to find "friends" who you will listen to but who never have the time or patience to listen to you. Or "friends" who need you as an entertainer: they aren't interested in you in particular, they just long for company, any company. In this case you're giving more than your "friend", and you'll eventually grow grumpy about seeing the person. Averaged over the years, you should be getting back about as much as you put in the relationship yourself for a fruitful companionship. If it's always you who has to call and suggest something, you'll just be annoyed at some point. Both need to nurture, support, and invest in the relationship in roughly equal amounts on some, probably slightly relative, scale.

It's also harder to find friends in midlife because your bar has gone higher up. You've learned the value of just friends and good friends in all the rough seas of life, and you just won't bother with everyone who's nice. You realise that life is finite and it's often more valuable to do things on your own rather than in a company where you only connect on some levels.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#438

Post by pritishc »

PKop wrote: post #276

I'd advise people to join a Crossfit gym. Besides (in my opinion) being a physically and by extension mentally healthy endeavor, you easily meet and spend time with a group of adults of various ages going through the same challenge of the group workouts along side you on a daily basis. Often times you partner up on workouts, or at the very least talk over what the day's workout is. Many gyms organize both competitive…

It doesn't have to be just Crossfit. Earnestly asking for advice from gym veterans (regular gyms, no programs involved) can also open you up to new friendships.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#439

Post by Legogris »

groby_b wrote: post #285
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

A 30 minute buffer can easily be eaten up by looking for my keys that I KNOW I JUST HAD YESTERDAY WHAT THE HELL, and then having to go back to my apartment after leaving because I forgot my wallet.

I have missed flights, and the reason I usually don't is because I plan to arrive at the airport ~3h before departure.

Believe me, it's making me way more miserable than the person I'm stressing to meet. It's neither disrespect nor prioritization.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#440

Post by tyrex2017 »

cableshaft wrote: post #218
hx2a wrote: post #26

I'm 42, and I wish someone told me in my 20's it would be harder to make new friends as I got older. I would have done things differently. I would have put more effort into making friends then. I am able to make new friends, but they end up being more like acquaintances most of the time. Currently I am in grad school, and that's working out well for me. There's something about the shared camaraderie and shared suffer…

I met most of my current friends in my 30s. I think it's possible, you just have to prioritize it and put yourself out there in situations where you'll encounter the same people over and over again and can grow something over time because of it. Either sports, or games (board games has been pretty darn effective for me), or exercise (like going on hikes together), or volunteer work, or something. Like you said, grad…

fully agree. you need regular encounters. at least 7 i read somewhere, and this is only possible in the context of a regular hobby/class.

so it may be less about being 30+ and more about not having regular activities which bring you in contact with the same people over and over again.

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