Ask HN: Is it 'normal' to struggle so hard with work?

Programming is a creative pursuit. It's not something you can do on autopilot. [1] You have to think and solve problems and honestly and typically for those who love it's very rewarding. If it's not rewarding enough for you then perhaps it's not the career for you. [2] Full time at least.

[1] For example you might hate and have no interest in being a store clerk or a toll taker or cut lawns but those are by and large 'autopilot' jobs that is you can do them with nominal pain and just get by. They don't require creative energy. Things that require creative energy are difficult to do long term full time unless you love to do them.

[2] The other aspect of this to consider is how much time you spend doing programming. Perhaps it's rewarding but not as a full time job. I enjoy doing programming but then again I don't do it full time. I don't know if I would be able to do it full time in fact I think I wouldn't. Ditto for commenting on HN. I can do it here and there but I would be frozen and it would be distasteful if I had to do it 40 hours a week or even 20 hours a week. Or if I was forced to do so instead of being (as I suspect all of us are) self motivated. Note how many people don't leave comments because either they can't (are to busy) or it's not rewarding to them.

I used to loathe myself for not paying enough attention to math. I recently tried to apply for a "backend engineer - data scientist". I read about the "R" programming language they value. It's like math with a programming language strapped on, not a programming language optimized for math. Which reminded me why I never got very far with math, even though I once had a 2nd place in primary school contest and received a monetary reward. I don't usually enjoy math if it's without a clear purpose. Like, I need to understand more math to write some target prediction code in a game. Math for math's sake, like statistics, matrix operations, higher algebra - these things bore me. I can understand them if I stare at the math symbol soup long enough and keep taking it apart, but my mind drifts away and I struggle to focus. This is despite using various motivation tricks and even meditation.

But I need to come to grips with the fact I just don't enjoy math that much, despite the high hopes my math teacher had for me. She even got me tested for mensa (I'm way too low, IQ 120 and the threshold was 140 last time I checked).

I enjoy Python, I enjoy figuring out how to program something in Rust, I like writing documentation, reading articles, arguing with people, analyzing stuff (I've spent wayyy too much time analyzing patch changelogs for games I never played, or developing creative strategies for games). I like drawing a bit, music - a lot, I like animals, physical exercise, shooting bow, strategic board games with relatively low randomness. Many other things. It seems like my skill points are spread over many areas but I'm not great at either of those. I admire people of Renaissance like Leonardo da Vinci, but this doesn't translate into finding an appropriate job very easily. These days specialists are highly prized, and inter-disciplinary knowledge is harder to use unless you have a brilliant idea.

I started observing myself and my feelings closer, and I encourage you to do the same. Pay attention to what activities you enjoy, what you don't, and be honest with yourself. Even if you've already missed an opportunity, with good self-knowledge you can find another one. For example I'm a nerd, I have an affinity for technology, history, archeology, animals, knowledge in general. I read a lot. I like sharing knowledge with others. Maybe I could make a good teacher if I had better grades, or a scientist. But I get my fulfillment by... teaching people new board games, or teaching them how to work out without getting injuries.

I'm pragmatic. I think programming and IT is a good, interesting and well-paid job. But I don't breathe it. I work to live, not live to work. I try to explore different aspects of life and acquire new skills. People in the past used to get satisfaction from many different places. Many famous people were mathematicians, painters, journalists, travellers etc. all at the same time. They were losing money in some of these activities, but did it for enjoyment.

Observe your feelings. Think of the last time you enjoyed doing something. Take notes on what activities bore you and what give you a rush. If you identify several activities you enjoy, play connect-the-dots. Example:

I'm analytical, patient, have some affinity for art, I like animals. Origami is all those things.

Another example, how to reverse engineer your interests: I enjoy people that keep surprising me, movies that are not very straightforward, books by Philip K. Dick, fantasy, sci-fi, old maps (the weirder, the better), archeology, lost civilizations, the cartoon Moomintrolls. What do these things have in common ? Answer: MYSTERY.

Pay attention to what people are saying about you, especially your skills, interests and what you have an affinity for. People have observed that I happen to like badgers quite a lot. And other animals, that I should perhaps work in a ZOO. I've been also called a philosopher a couple of times, including in high school, and I managed to instantly spot some that weren't labeled as such. One person told me I have a scientist mentality. I'm also a bit of a contrarian (philosophers delighted in trolling!!!). See, I'm a lame version of Paul Graham.

Of course, finding an activity you enjoy and one that you can get reasonable money for is two different things. That's why "e-sports" (computer game tournaments) and game development are not well paid activities.

Try to think which aspects of being a freelancer you enjoy and which you loathe. When you're happiest, when most burnt out. Debug thyself.

The worst byproduct of this is that it brings some shame with it. I've never had jobs that demanded all that much of me - I worked some intense hours when freelancing, but for the most part I've had very flexible jobs with good work environments. My wife works insane hours as a tax accountant, and although it makes her miserable a lot of the time, she always seems to be able to power through her 10-14 hour days during busy season. I feel myself mentally checking out after just 4-6 hours some days. It's embarrassing that I don't seem to have the same work ethic as her (and many others).

I've tried productivity tools (pomodoro-ish stuff mainly), but they never seem to quite fit in with the kind of work I'm doing or with the work environment at my job. I'm looking forward to reading through this thread to see if there are any recommendations I can take from here.