Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#1

Post by kalsze » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 1:37 PM UTC

Paul Graham said in his essay "How to start a startup" that the best age to start a startup is between 23 and 38. Among these people, some of them must be married, right? So I have been wondering how a married life (and possibly one with kids, ugh) affect the chances and the process of creating and running a startup. Now, assuming that marriage is supposed to be a very important part of life, I imagine that it is rather hellish because Paul Graham also said that "Startups Take Over Your Life".

How does a married hacker do it?

I am 28, I just got married in May and I am pondering the possibility of starting something with my hacker friends in Hong Kong.

Would any married startup founder enlighten me (and other prospective married hackers)?

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#2

Post by jacquesm » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 1:56 PM UTC

It very much depends on your s.o. if it will work to your advantage, be a neutral thing or be a drag.

Some people really dig it, some people don't care and some will hate it, talk it over, communicate as much as you can about what is going on and make sure that if there are major decisions to be made that you're both on the same page.

Some people work together in the start-up, for some that's not an option. There are a thousand tiny things that matter, in the end doing this can place significant stress on your relationship, it may cause it to break, it may cause it to deepen.

There is no 'one size fits all' recipe here, you're going to have to feel your way, communication is the key.

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#3

Post by nudge » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 1:56 PM UTC

Why would it be a problem? You don't have to code through the night with your buddies every night. It is possible to start and run a successful business without giving over every waking moment to it - in fact, it's almost certainly better if you don't. And for when you have to, as long as your spouse is understanding there's no problem.

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#4

Post by jacquesm » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 2:00 PM UTC

nudge wrote: post #3

Why would it be a problem? You don't have to code through the night with your buddies every night. It is possible to start and run a successful business without giving over every waking moment to it - in fact, it's almost certainly better if you don't. And for when you have to, as long as your spouse is understanding there's no problem.

Not to hijack the thread but http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1620333 didn't start out as me coding through the night either, but it eventually did turn in to that and it caused me to break up with a very nice girl.

Start-ups are voracious when it comes to consuming your time and not everybody deals with that equally well.

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#5

Post by c1sc0 » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 2:02 PM UTC

nudge wrote: post #3

Why would it be a problem? You don't have to code through the night with your buddies every night. It is possible to start and run a successful business without giving over every waking moment to it - in fact, it's almost certainly better if you don't. And for when you have to, as long as your spouse is understanding there's no problem.

That mostly depends on whether you still have a day job or not. When you do, doing a startup will eat all of your free time. You can only get so far with skipping sleep & overloading on stimulants before you will inevitably crash, so don't go that road.

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#6

Post by javery » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 2:04 PM UTC

I don't think being married would have too much of an effect on things, as long as your s.o. knows what he/she is in for and is committed to giving you the time you will need. I am married and we have a 2 year old, which does make things somewhat harder... but not impossible. This is the best article I ever read on the subject:

http://steveblank.com/2009/06/18/epitaph-for-an-entrepreneur...

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#7

Post by ahoyhere » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 2:13 PM UTC

I'm married to my co-founder. Neither of us work through the night. Recently we quit working weekends.

We spend too much time at our computers lately, but that's more out of laziness and lack of originality than anything else.

Occasionally, we yell at each other about work, but then I hear married people do that about other things, like laundry.

We have one SaaS out in the wild, another under development, 1 ebook, and various live and your-own-pace training courses. I quit consulting in January (except for an ongoing contract I had to fulfill) and he has kept doing the consulting, but is about to quit himself.

There's no such thing as a startup truth. Some people will tell you you'll work through the night and get sucked up; some people will tell you, no way. (Like me.)

The fact is, what type of business you choose to pursue, and the choices you make every day, will determine what your life's going to be like.

Me, I'm happy knowing that 12 mos from now, our first SaaS will be grossing $40-50k/mo and our second one probably $10-15k/mo. :)

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#8

Post by lizzy » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 2:22 PM UTC

The long hours issue is not unique to startups. I've seen happy couples where one partner works long hours and the other does not, and when both work long hours. But obviously it depends on the couple and what they both want out of life and the relationship.

The issue that is more specific to startups that can arise is money. Bootstrapping a startup can involve lower or no pay for an extended period. Both partners need to be on board with that, since money is apparently one of the main things most couples argue about!

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#9

Post by patio11 » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 2:35 PM UTC

"Startups take over your life" is a social construct. It happens because we expect it to happen, because we model it as "success", because we demand it from ourselves, and because we look at anyone who it isn't happening to as a failure.

My business is, in many ways (such as measuring by hours), the easiest job I've ever had.

Re: Ask HN: How does marriage affect the creation of a (successful) startup?

#10

Post by speric » Fri, Aug 20, 2010, 2:39 PM UTC

I'm 28, married with 3 kids, house, full-time job, etc., and doing a startup on the side. In my experience, having a supportive wife, not just someone who will "let" me work 2-3 hours a night, but someone who believes in what I'm trying to do, makes all the difference. There are enough stresses in family life as it is. Add to that the stress of a startup, and without someone who is on board and has bought into it, and willingly bears all the crazy stuff that goes along, I promise it will be a disaster.

Also, the sooner you make money off the start-up, the better. Having something tangible to show for the hours you're away from your S.O. helps the situation tremendously.

For me, I try to stay balanced as much as possible. If I need to take a night or two off of hacking a week to watch a movie with my wife, or take my kids out and stay up past their bedtime, or just grab some beers and do nothing, I do it. You're only hurting yourself (and, by extension, your startup) by burning the candle at both ends, so don't feel bad about taking a night off. I also play it by ear on Saturdays and don't do any work on Sundays.

The toughest thing, I have found, is to be mentally and emotionally "present" with my family when I am not working. Doing a startup is all-consuming. If you give 100% of yourself during your family time, it will make it easier for them to deal with you not being around.