Earlier quoted context omitted.
> It works no differently for poop or spilled gravy. Let's assume you have poop on your hands, would you clean yourself with paper?
(First off, let me just say how hilarious it is that no less than two people are actually downvoting me over a bidet comment. I eagerly await more.) If I had to, sure. You realize people did this successfully for like... always, right? Sure, detergent and water and abrasion works better, but bidets don't provide two of those three elements. What you're really wanting to compare is getting shit (just call it shit, OK?…
If one is willing to use their hand to provide abrasion, merely poured water enables far superior waste removal than toilet paper. This can easily be tested by using swabs and agar plates, which I did in my childhood to my own satisfaction; I'd be surprised if peer-reviewed experiments haven't yet confirmed this, but I haven't looked for them either.