Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

Three quick pieces of context: I had a binge-drinking problem originally; that transitioned into a "4-6 330ml cans ~5 nights a week" - like you; and a cannabis problem.

I snapped one night when I got thoroughly smashed on a first meeting with someone (bad first impression). I got a shrink. I now have _two_ shrinks (one for diagnosed depression - Dysthymia - shrink's diagnosis, not mine, and one for general substance abuse). I've relapsed. I've missed my meds. It's hard. I keep restarting. I keep going. It's getting better. It's getting easier.

I came around to the realisation that if I stopped one problem, I relapsed on the other (stop drinking, more weed; vice-versa). I was going to have to stop both (it's freaking _hard_ after a 10-year habit). But I also had to acknowledge why I was drinking/smoking: social anxiety, stress, feeling like I "deserved" a reward for a long day, a little bit of something like "impostor syndrome" - but most often? Sheer, absolute, boredom when left alone for too long

It takes a whole-life effort for me: socialising in non-drinking environments. A better diet. More exercise (suck at that one). Medication for withdrawal. Meds for energy (stimulants) to keep me functioning. Sleep (incredibly important). My girlfriend (without whom I think I would be doomed). My managers at work (they know, and we have regular, personal-oriented catchups). My friends.

And I couldn't do any of this without the professional support, the support of my friends, and my work colleagues. The "first step is admitting you have a problem" annoys the hell out of me (so trite, so "easy"). But it's true. The second step is getting help. And it was scary at first (I'm admitting I can't do it myself, I'm a failure for not fixing it myself, etc.) But it was the right call.

A final note on the "high-functioning" part: apparently alcoholism is defined in things like the DSM as "when drinking becomes a problem - when it impacts work, family, or relationships". Mine didn't (much). But I wanted to a) stop it before it got to that point, and b) improve myself - like you said with the running, I am much better able to handle stress, to function in my development role, and to maintain relationships without only ever bonding while smashed.

That may/may not help :D But I appreciate what it's like to be at the "first stage" of acknowledging this. You wonder "do I have a problem?", "Is it _really_ that bad?". It's scary. But I would suggest that quite possibly, life can be significantly better by taking control of it. In ways I never would have thought of when I started my own journey.

However, this is no different than other disorders that some people have genetic disposition towards, but are still highly treatable, like diabetes or depression.

I understand how you're feeling. I went through a similar process. And that's what I think you are in the middle of now: a process.

Let me eleborate:

______

I too work in tech, and was a highly functioning, but very heavy drinker. And I too drank approximately your amount of alcohol-intake for little over a decade.

One morning, a couple of weeks before turning 30, I saw the enormous pile of empty bottles that had been stacking up in my garage for the last month -again-, and a hard to identify combination of fear and shame took hold of me.

Interestingly, It was the fear of not being able of logically reasoning where the shame and fear -exactly- came from, that actually scared me the most at that particular moment.

I decided I did not want to ignore this unsettling feeling, for some earlier life-experiences taught me how pushed away emotions will only grow over time and come back harder and heavier in a time when you're even less capable of coping.

So I came up with this experiment for myself:

A. Try stop drinking for a month. (to have a different lifestyle to compare, and learn about your level of addiction)

B. Before the end of the month, try to have identified your fear. (to be able to conjure up a solution how to deal with this uncanny feeling)

And so my journey began. I quit drinking, and started exploring everything that might be frightening me about my drinking behaviour.

The not drinking part of my challenge was suprisingly easy, for I experienced close to none cravings for alcoholic beverages. This made me feel relieved and arrogantly proud, because I could tell myself: "there, you see, you're not an addict, and no reason to be scared or ashamed!"

But slowly there were some negative aspects revealing themselves as well: The first week my sleepingrhytm was often disturbed by the most horrific violent nightmares I had ever encountered.

Furthermore, the second week I felt so much fitter, but around week three, I felt extremely tired, I had even less energy than before.

And last but definitely not least, there was this slowly growing dull pain in my right flank... Yup, that's where your liver is located.

The fact that my body reacted in so many different -and for me- unexpected ways, was truely a wake up call: I might not be addicted to alcohol, but I'm most definitely poisoning myself, and the symptoms of this poisoning only present themselves when I am NOT drinking.

Now I had something concrete to be scared about: My wellbeing, my health, hack, maybe even my life!

So I started reading up on alcohol-related liver diseases, and other health-risks of longterm drinking. I read a great book about death, which taught me you can mostly choose your own cause of natural death with your lifestyle. [http://amzn.to/2jYbvvA] It made me wonder why I was drinking at all. And I still haven't found that answer.

Which only empowers my conclusion after a month: Drinking is just not worth it.

Two months in now, I feel so much fitter, my brain feels like it had cpu and memory upgrade. And the pain in my side has subsided. I'm happier, I smile more. I enjoy life more, and enjoy my body and outer world more consciously. And I'm actually looking forward to not drinking for as long as I choose. _______

So, I think you're at the beginning of a similar process. First being confronted with a hard to face truth, then testing aspects of life with and without alcohol. And at this very moment, you're gathering information, and looking for some answers.

You're on the right track, and hopefully my story can somehow convince you that your closer to an gratifying outcome of this process than you might think.

Kind regards,

Thom