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Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

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Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#131

Post by cflowers »

I think you're making a common mistake, one I made for the first 30-ish years of my life. You believe that we consciously choose which things bring us happiness and inner satisfaction. So you have consciously chosen a whole set of goals and a "timetable" to hold yourself accountable against.

But step back a second. Think about something you really love. Did you choose to love it, or did you merely discover you loved it. I remember in 7th grade, someone brought a Trash-80 to show and tell at school, and I was suddenly obsessed. Ever since then, I've learned new programming languages on my own and built stuff. But the key insight is this ... I DID NOT CHOOSE TO LIKE PROGRAMMING. I merely discovered that I happen to love it.

The same is true for millions of other things, from whether or not you like onions, to whether you prefer beaches or mountains, to whether you're introverted or extroverted.

When I was your age, I thought I wanted to build up a little real estate portfolio by converting my personal residences to rentals (aka, "leap-frogging"). The idea felt prestigious and had a feasible chance at leading to wealth. But it turns out, I HATE managing real estate. I just want to focus on my software projects. Owning a rental property is just a way for me to buy myself a bunch of hassle.

So the point is this ... life is not completely about consciously setting tasks, deadlines, and goals for yourself. In fact, much more of life is about listening to your inner self, finding out more about what really makes you tick, and then steering your life more in that direction as you learn. There's an element of excitement to it, because you don't really know exactly where it will lead. Take time to get away from the hustle and bustle and reflect on your life, always asking, "What do I want more of in my life? What do I want less of? What changes can I make that will move me in the right direction?"

To do this, you have to get free of the "hold yourself accountable" mindset. You do not have to meet anyone's standards, you don't have to achieve anything, and you don't have to prove anything. Your life is yours and yours alone. It was given to you, and you are the absolute sovereign over it. If you truly find happiness from surfing the internet 12 hours a day, then you should do it every day of your life, with no guilt whatsoever. The only reason that's not a good idea is that it won't truly make you happy. So you reflect on that, and decide to make a change that takes you in a better direction. Guilt and shame are not in the picture. Neither is time pressure, or needing to "hold yourself accountable". Merely self-acceptance, and leisurely looking for ways to increase the satisfaction and self-actualization you get from life.

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#132

Post by smokey_the_bear »

ax0n wrote: post #17

1) You're not burned out. You don't quite know exactly what you want to do with your life yet, whether you know it or not. You know where you want to be, and you know what you like doing. That is not the same as knowing how you want to get where you want to be, which is what "what you want to do with your life" is all about. I'm thirty-something and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Embracing that fa…

You really don't know any debt free 25 year olds? I'm 27, and nearly everyone I went to college with is debt free. If you go to a state school, work a bit in college, and don't run up credit card bills, it's not that hard to do.

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#133

Post by johnny22 »

cflowers wrote: post #131

I think you're making a common mistake, one I made for the first 30-ish years of my life. You believe that we consciously choose which things bring us happiness and inner satisfaction. So you have consciously chosen a whole set of goals and a "timetable" to hold yourself accountable against. But step back a second. Think about something you really love. Did you choose to love it, or did you merely discover you loved…

"To do this, you have to get free of the "hold yourself accountable" mindset. You do not have to meet anyone's standards, you don't have to achieve anything, and you don't have to prove anything." - that's how i broke free to discover myself.

Now i just need to remember it every so often :)

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#134

Post by throwaway72010 »

eavc wrote: post #98
throwaway72010 wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I acknowledge it now, but only sideways. I don't believe in wrapping up problems and tucking them away into a diagnosis... I'm a whole person, and if I have ADHD, it's a part of who I am. Part of what makes legitimizing ADHD difficult for me is that there's no litmus test--we have to rely on psychiatrists to make diagnoses, and it seems to me that the diagnosis is just as likely to be "bad habits" as it is to be "ADH…

I understand that, and I sympathize with it. In fact, that is probably the majority opinion, the popular position. It was also my position until recently--some of it still is my position. You are right about much of what you're saying here. Please know that I'm not trying to be glib or sarcastic. If I was being short with my reply, it was because I was in the exam room of a doctor typing on my phone while waiting on…

Sure... I'd be open to a back-and-forth. Shoot me an e-mail at the address in this profile.

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#135

Post by JohnAllen »

"What am I doing wrong"?

Feeling sorry for yourself :)

One suggestion: write down what the average life is of a middle-American; or, go to Africa!!!! (I'm dead serious; it changed my life)

You'll cheer right up! Seriously, do something new, out of this world.

Also, be glad that you care about what you're doing and you realize that you have huge opportunities. Most that do have opportunities don't realize it and everyone that doesn't, dreams that they did.

Don't forget rule #62: stop taking yourself so damn seriously!

Also, my guess is that you have been doing great stuff (just from the fact that you care about whether or not you are). Make a list of your accomplishments.

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#136

Post by zackattack »

zackattack wrote: post #129
starkfist wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder why you think I haven't seen that video as it's been posted here multiple times and I've commented on it. I was commenting on why I should care about what Nassim Taleb thinks about carbs. He's not a particularly svelte or athletic looking person. It seems like he's getting plenty of carbs.

Hahaha.

-or-

I WAS WRONG

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#138

Post by russellsilva »

This sounds a LOT like me -- exactly the way I used to think (and still sometimes do). What's really helped me turn around was a realization I got from a book, "The Mindful Way through Depression." Tell me if the below description sounds familiar.

I treated my frustrations with my life just like I treated any other problem. I put my life under the microscope and considered carefully which areas I found inadequate. I'd look at each area and consider what was going wrong and what it would take to fix it. Once I had a plan on how to fix it, I'd follow the plan. I'd keep evaluating my progress, and try and improve where I was lacking.

This is a great way to solve problems, but somehow it never worked when I looked at my life this way. Somehow it just seemed overwhelming and depressing. And instead of taking some little step to better myself, I'd just waste the day away browsing the internet or watching Hulu. I'd have a completely clear idea of what I needed to do to reach my goals, but I just couldn't bring myself to do them.

The realization the book gave me was that the impulse to scrutinize my life had, for me, become destructive. Intellectually, setting goals and breaking them down into manageable steps is useful. But the continuous evaluation I did on myself just drained me emotionally.

The way I think about it is that I do not have the same ability to emote abstractly as I have to think abstractly. When I put a problem or deficiency in my life under the microscope, it allows me to focus on the problem intellectually. But my emotions don't understand microscopes -- instead, they treat the problem as overwhelmingly huge. Evaluating my progress over and over again didn't lead to improving my methods -- it just made me feel emotionally besieged.

The solution for me has been to break the cycle of scrutinizing my life. It's an old habit, and it's been hard. But when I get to thinking "I'm wasting my talent" or "I regret wasting so much time" I do my best to keep myself from obsessing over it. And with that off my back I find it much easier to work towards my goals.

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#139

Post by ax0n »

smokey_the_bear wrote: post #132
ax0n wrote: post #17

1) You're not burned out. You don't quite know exactly what you want to do with your life yet, whether you know it or not. You know where you want to be, and you know what you like doing. That is not the same as knowing how you want to get where you want to be, which is what "what you want to do with your life" is all about. I'm thirty-something and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Embracing that fa…

You really don't know any debt free 25 year olds? I'm 27, and nearly everyone I went to college with is debt free. If you go to a state school, work a bit in college, and don't run up credit card bills, it's not that hard to do.

It's rare around here. I'm in an affluent midwest community where the middle class tends to spend itself into oblivion and the upper-class tends to produce trustifarian hipsters incapable of building a life-sustaining skill set. I was debt-free except for my car payment by the age of 21, but then I got married. We were very close to debt-free before my wife's health spiraled out of control in '06. Seriously, though, I really don't currently know any 25 year olds who are debt-free, and 5 years ago when I was about that age, I didn't, either.

Re: Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

#140

Post by oomkiller »

I think a solution for you is to try radical change. Take a sabbatical to another part of the world, Thailand, Australia, or somewhere exotic. Do stuff you normally don't do! Get out of your comfort zone! Don't worry about anything else but what you want to do. Set a tough long term goal (or goals) and work towards it. Whether it's bringing the internet, electricity, education etc to the developing world, or creating a startup, make the goal and work towards it. Let everything you do me motivated by the desire to achieve the goal. The break is to inspire you and give you ideas, and to release your existing irrelevant worries. I really hope you read this, as there are many much longer comments. I think this succinct piece of advice will help you!
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