Ask HN: Please, help me understand what I am doing wrong.

I wasted 3 years of my non-work life 20s playing an MMO (DAoC if you're curious), and I've had more failed relationships than I care to count (in a good one now though). I could have let that sort of thing get me down, instead I use it as motivation. No matter what there will come a point where you simply have to suck it up, and that means doing stuff even when you don't feel like it or you can get away with not doing it.

This isn't an insult to you, but you probably had it pretty easy your whole life so you've never had to dig down deep for intrinsic motivation. You've taken the first step of realizing that what you are doing now is not what you want to be doing. The next step is taking action to change, so get off your ass and get to it.

I enjoy high altitude hiking/mountain climbing so I'll leave you with this quote that I think epitomizes willpower and motivation:

"When I rest I feel utterly lifeless except that my throat burns when I draw breath...I can scarcely go on. No despair, no happiness, no anxiety. I have not lost the mastery of my feelings, there are actually no more feelings. I consist only of will." Messner on the first solo ascent of Everest

Regarding the exercise part of that statement:

I've actually come to terms with the fact that the amount I need to exercise to change my body over time isn't going to be pleasant while I'm doing it and I won't want to exercise every day. I've also come to expect that I'll feel great after I work out. If you couple these realistic expectations with a regular exercise schedule, it's easier to force yourself through your workouts and meet your goals/establish good habits.

I haven't found my solution, but it doesn't seem to be about money. I'm 28 and my wife is also. We started with nothing. We both paid our own way through college while working. I started working at 17. I've had a few good breaks along the way as a developer jumping jobs. I make a little over six figures a year, my wife makes about 60k. We paid off our house last year. We have two new cars and our only debt is on her car. We have 85k in our checking account and about 180k in our 401ks.

I'm active and sleep well. I work out six days a week for 30-60 minutes a day. I don't do much else though besides work out and work. I started reading and tried doing some other things to calm my mind and begin to accept the fact that middle class is OK.

I feel like I've plateued and don't have much to show for it other than a safely padded bank account. I have pretty boring job. My primary satisfaction comes from my marriage - I'm super lucky for that.

The other advice is to focus on meeting people, making friends and acquaintances. Don't spend your twenties working like crazy for someone else. Either work crazy for yourself or don't work crazy. Spend it with other people instead.

As a programmer, you can always go get a job working for the man. It is often tedious, doldrum, and boring. I often think of Thoreau's statement that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I imagine start up life is never that boring and there is always work to be done. Go find a start up job.