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Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

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Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#101

Post by marssaxman »

danielecook wrote: post #10

Turning off email notifications on my phone. Finally pulled the trigger when I was relaxing on a Friday night and getting work emails. It’s usually more efficient to deal with email only once per day anyways.

I've never understood why people started subscribing to work email on their personal phones to begin with. Why would you want to get work mail when you're not at work, and why would you want to use your own hardware to do it? I've never done that and nobody I've worked for has ever asked me to do that; my personal phone is for my personal communication.

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#102

Post by astura »

dahart wrote: post #97
astura wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>my fear was unfounded and we still had a lot of freedom to play and travel. Be careful generalizing - this really depends on your life situations (including income/savings) and preferences. For example, out of both our sets of parents there is only one (my MIL) that I'd ever want my hypothetical children to be around for any more than maybe an hour visit once a year, and she lives a 4 hour drive away. So there is pr…

That's awful, in your situation I'd be afraid to have kids too. You can live far away from them or not have kids or both. I hope you can find peace and not feel like you need to defend your choice to anyone, you have all the right in the world to deal with the family that was inflicted on you in any way you see fit and without worrying what other people think. To be clear, the question was about personal experience,…

You misunderstood my comment, I'm not afraid to have children, we choose not to and fear is not a factor in that choice. Practicality is, as well as personal preferences. A lack of family support is only a single factor, I was just giving it as a single example.

There's a reason I included income/savings specifically in life situations.

>not feel like you need to defend your choice to anyone, you have all the right in the world to deal with the family that was inflicted on you in any way you see fit and without worrying what other people think.

We live in a very judgemental society when it comes to childbearing, child rearing, and parenthood. Parents always get the benefit of the doubt, pretty much no matter what. Denying access to grandchildren is considered extremely cruel. If I didn't give a good reason then people think negatively of me. That's just the society we live in and what we value as a society. Our culture of valuing parents to martyr themselves plays into it. Even the word you used in the GP shows this - "selfish."

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#103

Post by Waterluvian »

aaronpk wrote: post #75
Waterluvian wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Spending more and saving less. To explain: savings is great and smart. But I never evolved past university frugal living. I recently realised that I was living like a student despite a good salary. So I bought some nice furniture and other things. I didn't realise I was missing out on reduced life friction.

That makes sense. Until I started tracking it, I was surprised at how much I was spending that I really didn't need to be. That's more the kind of spending I was talking about.

Yeah for sure! I'm in favour of your approach too. I think maybe there's a magical answer of, "all things in balance!"

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#104

Post by astura »

Kevin_S wrote: post #98
Balgair wrote: post #73

Marriage. She is my everything, and though as a GF she was that too, marriage is just deeper . Many of my single/unmarried friends don't have the trust and support that I have. I try to tell them that 'pulling the trigger' is not with a gun aimed at your head, but more of the starter's pistol in a 3-legged-race; it's fun. Yes, we have issues, just like all humans. But as we have both grown and changed, holding each o…

I understand your point, but I think people put too much into the actual act of getting married. For my wife and I, I realized essentially nothing changed between us. The only real change was that I was no longer "living in sin" according to my family, and people pester us more often about having kids. Also people make the mistake of thinking getting married will change things for the better. It never fixes issues.

Marriage never fixes things, agreed, nobody should expect that.

However, marriage made our relationship way deeper and stronger compared to just living together. Even though we committed to being life partners before legally marrying.

(I'm talking about marriage here, not having a wedding - sometimes people seem to confuse the two.)

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#105

Post by tahw »

reactbro wrote: post #17

I dropped out of the software industry and moved to Greece. Now I go fishing in the morning, read in the backyard in the afternoon and play saxophone at the local taverna at night. I make all my money committing cybercrime.

Living the freaking dream!

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#106

Post by Toast_25 »

fosco wrote: post #25
reactbro wrote: post #17

I dropped out of the software industry and moved to Greece. Now I go fishing in the morning, read in the backyard in the afternoon and play saxophone at the local taverna at night. I make all my money committing cybercrime.

Can you elaborate on the last sentence? Serious question, unsure of the seriousness of statement.

His other post states:

> I make $3000 a month committing cybercrime

EDIT: AFAIK a decent threat hunter or RE can earn about 3x that legally in the US.

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#107

Post by dahart »

astura wrote: post #102
dahart wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's awful, in your situation I'd be afraid to have kids too. You can live far away from them or not have kids or both. I hope you can find peace and not feel like you need to defend your choice to anyone, you have all the right in the world to deal with the family that was inflicted on you in any way you see fit and without worrying what other people think. To be clear, the question was about personal experience,…

You misunderstood my comment, I'm not afraid to have children, we choose not to and fear is not a factor in that choice. Practicality is, as well as personal preferences. A lack of family support is only a single factor, I was just giving it as a single example. There's a reason I included income/savings specifically in life situations. >not feel like you need to defend your choice to anyone, you have all the right i…

Sorry about that. I understand your comment and your choice, my wording just wasn't sensitive to fear vs choice. I agree this is an especially touchy subject, and that many people are judgemental. I have several close friends who've chosen not to have kids and they also struggle with people judging them negatively. The friends of mine who best deal with it are the couple who just don't give a shit what people think of them. I aspire to be at peace that way with all my choices, but I am currently not. I hope you can find that peace too.

I see why you think so, but I hope you can accept that my use of "selfish" was not a judgement on parenting vs not parenting. I think a lot of the freedoms I want are selfish on their own without respect to my family. I am okay with being selfish, and most of what I do is selfish. My top point was I still get to be mostly selfish, with or without children.

You're absolutely right that there is some collective narrative around parenting, and even if my language was part of that narrative, I would encourage not framing it that way if you're worried about what people think. I don't think of myself as a martyr in any way, but it's a true fact that I do make some personal sacrifices to have kids. I also make personal sacrifices to have a job and to own a house. Each of my choices come with their own consequences. I was overly worried about those personal sacrifices with kids, and I'm saying that they were less burdensome than I anticipated. If anything, my experience supports the idea that society's narrative is over-stated.

Anyway, using fairly extreme language like "martyr" to push back on that subtle built-in prejudice I may or may not have seems designed to escalate feelings and unlikely to result in a cultural shift or to the kind of sensitivity you want. I'm absolutely not trying to hurt your feelings by sharing my experience, and so I hope you can give my language the benefit of the doubt rather than think my motivations are biased against you, intentionally or unintentionally.

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#108

Post by Balgair »

Kevin_S wrote: post #98
Balgair wrote: post #73

Marriage. She is my everything, and though as a GF she was that too, marriage is just deeper . Many of my single/unmarried friends don't have the trust and support that I have. I try to tell them that 'pulling the trigger' is not with a gun aimed at your head, but more of the starter's pistol in a 3-legged-race; it's fun. Yes, we have issues, just like all humans. But as we have both grown and changed, holding each o…

I understand your point, but I think people put too much into the actual act of getting married. For my wife and I, I realized essentially nothing changed between us. The only real change was that I was no longer "living in sin" according to my family, and people pester us more often about having kids. Also people make the mistake of thinking getting married will change things for the better. It never fixes issues.

I think it's a personal issue, and that your point of view is just as valid too!

Marriage, for us, was a big deal. That commitment was heavy at the time. Breaking up with a GF, even one you lived with for years, is not too terrible (depending on local laws) outside of the emotional turmoil. Where we are, divorce is a nightmare of legal issues, time, money, and the emotional turmoil, let alone those with kiddos. Ending a marriage is a lot of hard work in a 'raw' time, and that weighed heavily on us both. I guess we were scared of that 'level' of love.

That said, I am so glad we did it and want to kick my younger self for waiting so long. She helped me through all the weight of marriage, the wedding, and even today we lift each other. Marriage, like all things, takes practice to be good at, and a lot of work. But I wouldn't want anyone else to shoulder the loads with.

For us, this weight has strengthened our backs.

I know it's not for everyone, and that is OK! Y'all do y'allselves! Be happy and love the way you need to love! Be careful on separating 'want' and 'need' though. For myself, I have no idea why I didn't do it sooner, knowing what I know now. I guess I was unsure of the amount of responsibility I could handle. With her by my side, there is no amount of anything I cannot get through.

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#109

Post by Balgair »

astura wrote: post #104
Kevin_S wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I understand your point, but I think people put too much into the actual act of getting married. For my wife and I, I realized essentially nothing changed between us. The only real change was that I was no longer "living in sin" according to my family, and people pester us more often about having kids. Also people make the mistake of thinking getting married will change things for the better. It never fixes issues.

Marriage never fixes things, agreed, nobody should expect that. However, marriage made our relationship way deeper and stronger compared to just living together. Even though we committed to being life partners before legally marrying. (I'm talking about marriage here, not having a wedding - sometimes people seem to confuse the two.)

> sometimes people seem to confuse the two

Holy cow, will I ever echo that. I mention it in another comment, but to be clear, marriage is work. Again, it's a cornerstone, not a capstone, you have to build the house now.

(Another piece of advice: In an argument, you are both correct at the same time. This is because you are co-owners and not co-workers)

Re: Ask HN: What was your “why didn't I start doing this sooner” moment?

#110

Post by anyfoo »

dahart wrote: post #99
anyfoo wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Given his question, that would sound like an argument to have kids later, rather than earlier, or what exactly do you mean?

Only if you don't like your kids. If you like them, having them around is a lot of fun. :) Side note that kids start spending time away from parents when they become teenagers. That's happening to me now, and I am slowly gaining extra free time. Half the time I still want to spend my free time with the kids. But I'd assume that the younger someone is post-kids, the more energy and options they have for starting new t…

Thanks, that’s reassuring. For some time, I rather settled on not wanting children, but my SO is convincing me otherwise. It’s always nice to read that I won’t have to completely give my life up, or at least not forever. :) I understand that that depends a lot on the situation, but I think we might be financially stable enough, and also potentially moving to a country that gives much more support to parents, that it might be the case for us.
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