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How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

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Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#121

Post by turc1656 »

oijoinoifsnf wrote: post #83
gyardley wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience communication happens again and again and again over a period of years until the woman gives up in exasperation and just seethes silently. It's hard to get someone to engage in emotional labor (or as I like to call it, 'giving a fuck') when they simply don't give a fuck, no matter how much you communicate. Since not caring enough to do the basic gruntwork associated with a decent relationship is almo…

It's weird that the Internet is the first place to say things like: "Maybe women don't WANT to be in tech", "there are biological differences", etc. but also turn around and complain that it's sexist to imply men (on average) have difficulties with emotional communication.

The word "want" describes desire, willingness, and a level of interest.

Saying someone or a group of people are not interested in doing something is entirely different than saying they are less capable.

The proper equivalent to "men (on average) have difficulties with emotional communication" for the example you gave would be "women are not as naturally capable as men when it comes to tech jobs."

Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#122

Post by rootlocus »

RcouF1uZ4gsC wrote: post #43

>That’s the point,” I said, now in tears, “I don’t want to have to ask.” >Walking that fine line to keep the peace and not upset your partner is something women are taught to accept as their duty from an early age. >My husband is a good man, and a good feminist ally. >However, it’s not as easy as telling him that. My husband, despite his good nature and admirable intentions, still responds to criticism in a very patr…

> 1. Good communication. Never expect the other partner to read your mind.

I've also discovered this. Placing communication on first place is vital for the health of a relation.

Even with minor things like the other person asking "what's wrong?", it's much better to reply truthfully with "I got into an argument with a stranger online and I can't believe what a fing * he was" or "I'm just tired for exerting myself too much at work". Too often people reply with "nothing" or "I'm fine" which only serves to confuse the other person ("Is he upset because I was late?", "have I gain weight", etc.). All these things add up and eventually people forget why they entered the relation in the first place.

Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#123

Post by philbarr »

didgeoridoo wrote: post #107
gyardley wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience communication happens again and again and again over a period of years until the woman gives up in exasperation and just seethes silently. It's hard to get someone to engage in emotional labor (or as I like to call it, 'giving a fuck') when they simply don't give a fuck, no matter how much you communicate. Since not caring enough to do the basic gruntwork associated with a decent relationship is almo…

I think you're arbitrarily privileging "giving a fuck" over "not giving a fuck". Try this: Alice wants Task X to be done. Bob does not care whether Task X is done. Let us stipulate that, if Task X is not done, nobody will be materially, objectively harmed. Alice says: because I want Task X, you will do Task X. Alice does not ask Bob's opinion on Task X, but rather assumes that Task X is inherently necessary, and ther…

A game theoretical approach to household chores. Nice!

Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#124

Post by RUG3Y »

didgeoridoo wrote: post #7

I'm not sure I buy this. In my experience at least, it all comes down to standards — it sounds like this woman has higher standards for what constitutes a "running household", and gets frustrated when her husband doesn't share those standards. It sounds like he would be content with boxes on the floor, dirty bathrooms, etc. When she asks him to raise the house to her standard, she is asking him to adopt her perspecti…

These are the kinds of issues you're supposed to discuss before you marry someone. She has higher standards, and she ends up doing all kinds of (unnecessary in her husband's mind) work to keep those standards, which are hers alone.

Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#125

Post by athenot »

ada1981 wrote: post #81
athenot wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

YES! That's exactly how I view conflicts. It's the surfacing of something much deeper that is normally completely hidden, either suppressed or managed at the cost of Emotional Reserve. When something flares up, I try to not let it go to waste and start digging. Instead, it's an opportunity. Either my wife or me (usually both) will then gain some insight about ourselves. We can then apologize for the content wich caus…

Are you in NYC by chance? I'd love to invite you and your partner to join us for a Psychedlic Love Workshop aka The Love Dojo (as our guest). My partner and I curate a group of couples doing this work (and singles looking to find a relationship with this context), and practice some really cutting edge tools. For example, we've pioneered a version of breathwork to be used in times of conflict with your partner that ca…

No, in ATL. But I've led groups in similar ways, though more from a Catholic contemplative angle.

Keep it up though, that's awesome!

Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#128

Post by musha68k »

gyardley wrote: post #80

Judging by the remarks on this thread, not many of you are interested - but those of you who are may find this compiled PDF of a Metafilter thread valuable: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBRbkJkeUtabEk... I can say without hesitation that learning more about emotional labor (and reading that PDF in particular) has helped me be a better husband and father.

It’s interesting to me, thanks for sharing!

Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#129

Post by rootlocus »

saint_fiasco wrote: post #103
rootlocus wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're missing the point. > In his mind, he was doing the thing I had most wanted—giving me sparkling bathrooms without having to do it myself. Which is why he was frustrated when I ungratefully passed by, not looking at his handiwork as I put away his shoes, shirt and socks that had been left on the floor. It's not about taking an equal share in the "emotional labor". It's about her not communicating proper intent,…

I think they don't "say what they really think" because it's hard work. I hate gifts and would rather receive cash for a present, but if I were the sort of person who wanted a specific gift I would find it annoying to have to justify it, explain what the gift really means to me on a deep level, and so on. That sort of "emotional labor" might in fact be the reason I dislike gifts, now that I think about it.

> but if I were the sort of person who wanted a specific gift I would find it annoying to have to justify it, explain what the gift really means to me on a deep level, and so on

That's fine if you don't give a shit whether or not you receive the expected gift. But throwing a tantrum after the fact and writing an entire blog post about it is unreasonable. She (they) clearly has deeper problems than not receiving what she wanted. Those problems can't be resolved without communication.

Re: How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

#130

Post by psyc »

I dislike this term, and I'm dismayed by its recent leakage into the mainstream. I have yet to see an explanation for what it means, that is distinguishable from "being a person." The people who use the term usually seem exceptionally entitled and self-centered. The assumption that women do more of whatever it's supposed to entail is sexist, and I see little evidence for it. It seems like an academic-sounding way to say that women are better people, plus they don't get rewarded for being better people, so life is unfair to women and men need to do something about this.
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