How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

Where I'm not in total agreement is just the example you picked. I would say that "household finances" has often historically been "men's work," especially when you think about investing and retirement planning. I don't want the author's other examples to get lost here. Cleaning and hair braiding were much closer to the heart of the things that I myself have been too "weak and ineffectual" to accomplish, in your words. When I think about how I could make my wife's life better, these types of things, not the finances, seem like the right place for me to start looking. Obviously, in every couple, there are going to be different things, but I'd guess in most cases this, not finances, is closer to the heart of where things are off.

The question goes both ways. If their mutual goal is living together, that is.

The main theme of the article, that managing the household requires a significant amount of work and that this work often goes not only unappreciated but that this lack of appreciation is both acceptable and expected strikes me as much more important. In particular, her husband was aware of the hassle involved in properly hiring a cleaning service and that's why he chose to avoid it. On some level we are all aware of the work that needs to be done but it is easy to forget that it happens.

Towards the end of the article, there are examples that I found interesting: when she brushes the daughter's hair, it's no big deal but when her husband does it he expects praise. When the son tidies his room, he expects acknowledgement but the daughter performs the same task as a matter of course.

In my own household, my partner and I strive for an even split in these duties. I have made numerous, painfully long calls to our insurance company to sort out bills and I did call around for quotes when we put up a fence around a portion of our yard. Still, it was painful for me to admit, I could see some of myself in the author's partner. In particular:

> My husband, despite his good nature and admirable intentions, still responds to criticism in a very patriarchal way.

And when the author talks about trying to explain this work and their feeling that it is unacknowledged.

> ...he would take it as me saying, “Look at everything I’m doing that you’re not. You’re a bad person for ignoring me and not pulling your weight.”

I often find myself getting defensive, often without a clear idea of why I am feeling attacked or unappreciated. I think, often, it boils down to feeling like I'm being accused of something.

Lastly, the idea that this reaction was something I may have learned and internalized at an early age is also interesting and worth thinking about. I do think there's a tendency to think that gender roles are a thing of the past, and many ways these roles express themselves is subtle.

Getting the right service is obviously important to her. But that doesn't mean the decision should be labored over -- the cost of a wrong decision isn't high; if you don't like the one you hired, just try another one.

In the ensuing decades, I've watched that scenario play out many times, with both genders in both directions. (But mostly it was the woman trying to change the man.)