Infidelity is as natural as taking a shit. I think we're culturally indoctrinated to get worked up over infidelity, less so for defecating.
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Why Happy People Cheat
21–30 of 138 posts
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#22Yeah, it might be able self discovery, but it might be about enacting a narcissistic fantasy. The author is right, you reconstruct yourself in the other's gaze, you slake your thirst with the other's mouth. But what kind of self are you constructing here? And what power will your own fantasies have over the person with whom you conduct the affair?
Yeah, I don't think the normalization of this obviously selfish and destructive behavior is a positive thing at all.
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#23I wish social experimentation and progress happened at even 5% of the speed of technological progress.. why don't we just get rid of the idea that you 'own' your partner's body? It seems arcane and based in insecurity. If you can't handle even the slightest of erotic competition, how solid can the basis of your relationship be? (Sorry for the overly controvesial wording if my post, I realize that filing more open rel…
In most cases, it is a violation of trust. There's a difference between an open relationship and someone violating your trust. Monogamy isn't based on ownership, it's based on trust. Open relationships are fine, but you should have willing partners.
Aside from that, there are some very legitimate practical concerns with poly relationships. STDs, for example.
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#24I wish social experimentation and progress happened at even 5% of the speed of technological progress.. why don't we just get rid of the idea that you 'own' your partner's body? It seems arcane and based in insecurity. If you can't handle even the slightest of erotic competition, how solid can the basis of your relationship be? (Sorry for the overly controvesial wording if my post, I realize that filing more open rel…
>> why don't we just get rid of the idea that you 'own' your partner's body?
I don't own my partner's body, however I expect emotional exclusivity, and that's also what I want to give. Sex, closeness, trust and emotional bonds are all tied up together.
It's not "erotic competition" and to me the use of that phrase just belies a lack of maturity - it's never "just sex" for me, and I wouldn't want to be with someone for whom it was.
If something else works for you, great, but please don't frame it as progress or freedom from ownership. Progress is allowing everyone to choose the sorts of relationships they find fulfilling, with no persecution or shaming. Not calling what works for others insecure or arcane.
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#25TLDR; It is possible to like more than one individual. I for one doesn't understand why anyone would marry except for economical benefits/security. Personally, I would much rather have 2 or more girlfriends/partners who enjoy me and eachother than a marriage with one. Since I believe that the male sex drive is bigger than that of women, I don't understand why I should be limited to just enjoy one other woman. However…
While I do agree that monogamy is a simplistic view, the view you propose is equally simplistic.
While polygamy is potentially more rewarding than monogamy, it is also much tricky to get right. Given how many people struggle with monogamy already (and most often, it should be said, not because of the exclusivity), it's not really surprised it became the standard.
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#26Earlier quoted context omitted.
In most cases, it is a violation of trust. There's a difference between an open relationship and someone violating your trust. Monogamy isn't based on ownership, it's based on trust. Open relationships are fine, but you should have willing partners.
Aside from that, there are some very legitimate practical concerns with poly relationships. STDs, for example.
That's easily solved with a blood test before you engage in a sexual relationship with additional partners.
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#27Priya’s affair is neither a symptom nor a pathology; it’s a crisis of identity, an internal rearrangement of her personality. In our sessions, we talk about duty and desire, about age and youth.
and...
"“You think you had a relationship with Truck Man,” I tell her. “Actually, you had an intimate encounter with yourself, mediated by him."
This article (and others like it) make me kind of think that (A) much of psychology should not be treated as an objective science (2) Objective science is not the only useful contribution. Therapists don't have to be scientific.
People get a lot of relief from being able to narrate their life and their feelings. They find beauty or comfort in exploring motivations (from a subjective POV). It can be liberating (and effective) to act within a narrative, to have names for things. A lot of our best art is dedicated to this sort of thing, especially romantic literature.
For abstract truth, I don't think most of this article describes it. In the abstract, I think the answer to the question is simple: (1) People (on average) are semi-monogomous, like a lot of animals. (2) It's hard to use cultural conventions to restrict people's sexuality. see exhibit I "The Gays."
That doesn't mean that a therapist should just tell this lady "you were just horny."
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#28Yeah, it might be able self discovery, but it might be about enacting a narcissistic fantasy. The author is right, you reconstruct yourself in the other's gaze, you slake your thirst with the other's mouth. But what kind of self are you constructing here? And what power will your own fantasies have over the person with whom you conduct the affair?
Yeah, I don't think the normalization of this obviously selfish and destructive behavior is a positive thing at all.
The selfishness and destructiveness of the behaviour is very closely related to the norms it violates. Homosexuality was (and is) destructive to families in communities where it considered abhorent. Premarital sex too. In fact, the ban on premarital sex and the ban aon adultery are closely related.
People have a hard time suppressing their sexual urges. But, many sexual urges we once considered immoral & destructive are now seen differently.
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#29TLDR; It is possible to like more than one individual. I for one doesn't understand why anyone would marry except for economical benefits/security. Personally, I would much rather have 2 or more girlfriends/partners who enjoy me and eachother than a marriage with one. Since I believe that the male sex drive is bigger than that of women, I don't understand why I should be limited to just enjoy one other woman. However…
>> Personally, I would much rather have 2 or more girlfriends/partners who enjoy me and eachother than a marriage with one.
And they have other men in their lives too?
You have some funny beliefs, and you'll find a thriving polyamory community out there that many women take part in. It's just that if you're not going looking for an exclusive relationship, neither are they.
Re: Why Happy People Cheat
#30Infidelity is as natural as taking a shit. I think we're culturally indoctrinated to get worked up over infidelity, less so for defecating.
Violence, including lethal violence, is at least as natural as infidelity. Probably more so, given that you cannot have the concept of "infidelity" if you had not put "fidelity" on top "sex" to begin with.
That does not make me want to live in a society that condones beating the crap out of anyone you can get away with.