Why Friends Matter at Work and in Life

Why Friends Matter at Work and in Life
blogs.hbr.org

1. Those who suck up to those who can help them out (superiors), even if they have nothing in common with them.

2. Those who work and collaborate with their friends. No matter how much less it pays than the alternatives.

Its my belief that the former have more financial success earlier, but aren't as happy as the latter, who have little financial success early on, but also wind up more financially successful than the former camp.

When you stick with your cronies, you are happier and more successful.

A lot of programmer-types aren't very sociable (as the stereotype goes), and I often hear a lot of us lament, "I never know what to say!"

It's funny that people with social awkwardness say that, because "knowing what to say" is actually only a secondary tool for me. People generally find me easy to talk to, and I enjoy meeting and talking with every kind of person. I have found that the most important skill for making friends is not knowing what to say, but knowing when to listen (hint: often).

It has to do not only with your conversational style, but also your demeanor. Be a little romantic about it. If you have an "open heart," as the Dalai Lama describes it, people will feel comfortable talking to you honestly. And if you subsequently listen to what they are saying, you will build a connection with them, even if it is fleeting or tenuous. It can last for as long as it takes to look a barista in the eye and say "Thank you, have a nice day," or it can last for a lifetime.

In my experience, it's always worth it.

After listening, the next most important skill to hone for being sociable is releasing fears of being judged. If you never say anything, no one will ever laugh at you for being wrong, but you will have two problems: You won't make any friends, and you'll never find out if you're wrong!

Sometimes I feel like "fear of being wrong" is an insidiously common reason for having fewer friends. The more people who you talk meaningfully with on a regular basis, the more likely it is that someone will disagree with you. Our culture seems to train us to avoid this, because being wrong is seen as... well, wrong! So maybe some people avoid socializing because they're afraid people will reject their ideas, or their personality, or even their very soul! But, I try to seek out people who disagree with me, because they are more likely to offer new perspectives that make me think and improve my ideas, even if their arguments come from a different foundation.

As for social fearfulness, it should be eked away at whenever possible. Even though my coworkers, friends, acquaintances and loved ones widely regard me as a "friendly guy," I still get nervous sometimes, especially at parties where I don't know many people. In these situations, I have had the best results by staying vigilant, and forcing myself to engage other people in small ways until I feel more comfortable: Smiling, saying hello, asking "How are you" and listening carefully to their response. Sometimes I won't feel more comfortable all night, and that's okay. It's a constant process--there is no "socially adept" Shangri-Lah where you'll never feel embarrassed again.

there are numerous causation possibilities.

(that said, at the end of the day, being happy is a win for everyone.)