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How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

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Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#161

Post by true_religion »

fizixer wrote: post #114
debaserab2 wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I hope most of you would agree that at least 70%-90% of being in love has something to do with the appearance of your person-of-interest (most of it visual). No matter how you cut it, no matter how much of an intellectual you are and how much you prefer to connect deeply with a person, in the end, given two individuals, you fall in love with the one that is more visually attractive No, I don't agree with that even…

Thought experiment: Imagine you are not dependent on your current partner in any way. You are financially stable (let's say you a multi-millionaire). Either you don't have kids or if you do, somehow they're not dependent on you (or something). Now think of your favorite media personalities that you have a crush on, and imagine one of them meets you in person and takes an elevated level of interest in you. If you don'…

> is no one in the world you find more attractive than your current partner... would you be tempted to cheat? If not, I give up.

There are plenty of people whom I find less attractive than my current partner that I'd happily sleep with.

Of course, I would first ask permission to do so... and if not given I wouldn't be tempted to cheat. That's like asking "would you be tempted to steal if someone doesn't want to sell something to you?" I'd hope the answer is always 'no', not "yes, but I wont' steal because I'm afraid of being caught".

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#162

Post by nibstwo »

callesgg wrote: post #91
geff82 wrote: post #29

You should also read part 2 of the article. After some relationships from 18-28 that all ended unhappy, I decided to screen my next partner in a very rational way. Of course I wanted romance and some attractiveness out of my next girlfriend, but I primarily wanted a friend that I could talk to when we were 95 and sitting in wheelchairs next to each other, unable to do much else. Destiny called and the girl I then met…

What where the rational ways that worked for you. What did you screen?

We met at 10 years old and are getting married at 24. When we really started dating three years ago, about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. We blindly answered so as to not concede or compromise in our answers. VLOOKUP and merge answers. 90% of them are basically identical. The remaining 10% are completely predictive of current and perhaps future points of disagreement and contention. All around it worked infinitely better than prior relationships. We assumed since we had been friends for so long that we could just build the love part. The byproduct of that has been growth mindset around resolving issues and making decisions that makes us extremely effective at helping each other achieve our goals and get our needs met by the relationship. I think a good litmus test for a relationship is how safe you feel talking about long term issues and resolving points of contention. If it just seems normal, invest there. If it is extremely hard to raise those issues, don't.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#163

Post by PrefixKitten »

erikpukinskis wrote: post #48
xupybd wrote: post #20

Sounds great if you have lots of options. Some of us are getting older and haven't made it past anyone else's filter. At some point your will to just try and make it work regardless of the match.

The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a few very solvable problems, off the top of my head: - fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc) -…

I've been in Cleveland 2 years and I have only went on dates with 2 people.

At my most recent workplace there was only ever one woman around my age. We went to lunch together and talked a ton so I think she liked me but I didn't want to date a coworker at the time. Other than her though, dating through work is apparently not an option.

But as for dating apps/sites and stuff I never get any matches.

So based on all that I don't understand how it's so commonplace for people to go on 10-20 dates. My whole life I've always just dated the first person that liked me, usually with years between girlfriends. Luckily they have all turned out to be great people but that's not something I can count on.

>I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like that.

I'm apparently attractive enough that even straight men will tell me so unsolicited. As for mental health, the only thing there is ADD, most people who talk to me seem to think I'm really interesting and easygoing. I have a hard time reconciling all my feedback with the notion that I'm part of some exceedingly rare group that is undatable.

I don't know why I made this comment. There's not really anything for you to say in return. I'm just confused and it's got me down.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#164

Post by PrefixKitten »

sliverstorm wrote: post #79
erikpukinskis wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a few very solvable problems, off the top of my head: - fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc) -…

There's maybe a 5th category: - fails to recognize good candidates (solved by more dating) It's easy to wind up barking up the wrong tree because you haven't figured out what is really important to you, as well as how to find it.

One problem I have is that I'll never get the chance to date enough people to discover what qualities I like in women.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#166

Post by ambicapter »

alttab wrote: post #81
fizixer wrote: post #46

Marriage, monogamy, and (romantic) love are conservative notions that are close to being (or should be) marginalized in my opinion. Romantic love, especially, is an extremely superficial and hollow idea exalted to high heavens by the group-think of the masses. I gave up religion, and over the years realized that love is the second, way more sneaky and no less damaging, delusion that humanity indulges in. It has to go…

This is almost nihilistic.

Almost?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#168

Post by rosege »

pm90 wrote: post #40
cproctor wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To put it in terms that might be more familiar around here, obsessing over finding the right partner is like believing that a successful startup is mostly about finding the right idea. (And from there, it will just work out on its own...) Sure, some ideas are more likely to work out a priori, but your success is going to be dramatically influenced by the amount of work you're willing to put into it, your willingness…

This is a great point. I would recommend this video by the school of life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jltM5qYn25w . It basically delves a little into why our ideas or romance and love are perhaps not the best way to look at these things.

and Alain de Botton's other videos under his own name are generally very good too

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#169

Post by MegaButts »

nether wrote: post #127
geff82 wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a si…

Much of that can be summed up in the classic adage, "marry your best friend," someone that you really enjoy hanging out with in any setting.

I feel like what's missing from this though is sexual attraction - you are not necessarily attracted to your best friend. If there's no spark, it's just a close friendship. At least to me there is a distinct difference.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#170

Post by j45 »

I've learned to only get marriage or relationship advice from people who are in generally happy, healthy marriages and relationships.

Getting business advice from a bad business person wouldn't make sense.

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