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How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

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Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#131

Post by projektir »

fizixer wrote: post #114
debaserab2 wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I hope most of you would agree that at least 70%-90% of being in love has something to do with the appearance of your person-of-interest (most of it visual). No matter how you cut it, no matter how much of an intellectual you are and how much you prefer to connect deeply with a person, in the end, given two individuals, you fall in love with the one that is more visually attractive No, I don't agree with that even…

Thought experiment: Imagine you are not dependent on your current partner in any way. You are financially stable (let's say you a multi-millionaire). Either you don't have kids or if you do, somehow they're not dependent on you (or something). Now think of your favorite media personalities that you have a crush on, and imagine one of them meets you in person and takes an elevated level of interest in you. If you don'…

Hmm. I'm sympathetic to your overall perspective (that love may not be the universal blessing as it is often perceived) but this is rather unconvincing.

You should not confuse how most people are, or how you perceive most people to be, and how you perceive yourself to currently be, with how you or other people could be.

I tend to think that if you're still interested in media personalities, people who you don't, at the end of the day, know much about, then you can't really hold high ground on romantic ideas. There are, of course, potentially appropriate and awesome people among media personalities, but there are also plenty of awesome people who are not media personalities, but the reality is, you don't know any of those people, and it's always easy to imagine that a person you know very little about is much better than what you currently have. This is not something you want to trust.

Which is too bad, because I think the discussion on what relationships mean should be opened up more, and I think people can develop much more complex preferences than "attractive, popular, wealthy", they just often think that their instincts cannot be overpowered despite that being the human experience in a nutshell.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#132

Post by roceasta »

bananabill wrote: post #23
iopuy wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children... It actually really bugged me how having children was a forgone conclusion in this article.

Unfortunately most people are still stuck in the mindset that everyone who isn't broken inside wants children. I've never wanted children at any point in my life, but I'm wrong apparently.

You're not necessarily wrong. It's a matter of whether one has a well-developed dream or talent that isn't child-related. The reason this matters is because we need long-term sources of meaning and responsibility in our lives. Starting a family is ipso facto the traditional thing to do and our traditions know more about us than we do. Changing course is possible but one ought to have good reasons in mind first.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#133

Post by Mahn »

fizixer wrote: post #114
debaserab2 wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I hope most of you would agree that at least 70%-90% of being in love has something to do with the appearance of your person-of-interest (most of it visual). No matter how you cut it, no matter how much of an intellectual you are and how much you prefer to connect deeply with a person, in the end, given two individuals, you fall in love with the one that is more visually attractive No, I don't agree with that even…

Thought experiment: Imagine you are not dependent on your current partner in any way. You are financially stable (let's say you a multi-millionaire). Either you don't have kids or if you do, somehow they're not dependent on you (or something). Now think of your favorite media personalities that you have a crush on, and imagine one of them meets you in person and takes an elevated level of interest in you. If you don'…

Would I have consensual sex with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Sure.

Would I fall in love with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Well, no, not automatically anyway, I would have to get to know this person first and see how I feel about spending time and do things together. I'd definitely not dump a person I've known and loved for years over a fling with an attractive celebrity that I don't really know on a personal level.

You keep saying that sexual attraction and love are the same thing, but they are not.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#134

Post by graycat »

What I saw in my own romantic relationships and those of others was a simple, blunt point: Do both of the people actually want to follow the first part of the standard marriage ceremony?

"We gather together to join this man and this woman with the bonds of holy matrimony."

Instead, one or the other didn't really want to "join" or "bond" and, instead, was just using, exploiting the marriage and spouse for some selfish aims.

For women, the main use was money -- she wanted to be supported. That was as far as she thought. Later one had one child, retired to a back bedroom, lived on chocolates, gained 150 pounds, and vegetated. Another had one daughter and later one by accident, retired to a back bedroom and lived on cigarettes and beer. One decided to become really good BFFs with Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. One really wanted just to do social climbing at the most expensive country club in town. Another wife wanted the spouse's wealthy family to fund a retail startup. When the startup failed, she went to college, then art school, then became a leading horse woman, all with no interest in her husband, and finally just moved out. She was very pretty, moved to NYC, apparently to try to make a big splash in media. Never heard from her again!

One husband liked sex with men as much or more than with his wife (at least two cases of that, with both of the wives very desirable); the wives didn't like that situation.

Another wife just wanted her husband to put her through law school at which time she planned to leave the marriage. Another wife just wanted her husband to put her through graduate school, at which time she planned to leave. Another wife wanted to use the marriage as a home base for various projects, around the world, to save the world.

I saw a lot of such problems: It was simple: One or both of the spouses failed right at the first sentence of the marriage ceremony -- they just didn't want to join or bond. Just didn't. To them the marriage ceremony was just a costume party with nothing serious and no connection with reality, and they wanted the marriage not to join or bond with their spouse but just to exploit them.

So, from this theme and these examples, what is in the OP is too complicated and misses the point: The point is, both spouses have to be serious all the way through the marriage vows, and failing right at the first sentence is really simple, much simpler than the OP, way too common, and a guaranteed disaster.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#137

Post by notyourday »

Danihan wrote: post #115
notyourday wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Look at a city with a massive population of eligible young people, like say NYC.. and then listen to what people in NYC say about the dating scene there. It's not pretty. Having such a huge pool of potential mates discourages people from committing. In other words, it makes it harder to find a long term mate, and it makes you less satisfied with whoever you're seeing. I disagree, this just means you are not optimiz…

Are you married, or in a long-term partnership?

14 years. We would have been married but it would create certain extra costs and difficulties that we can avoid by not being married.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#138

Post by sliverstorm »

xupybd wrote: post #96
erikpukinskis wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a few very solvable problems, off the top of my head: - fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc) -…

You missed strong religious beliefs that don't fit in with the local culture. Totally something that could be changed but not really willing to.

How important that is, may depend on how important it is to you that your partner is of the same faith.

If you will only consider those of your faith, or demand suitors convert to your faith, it might be worth considering a move.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#139

Post by karimf »

nether wrote: post #127
geff82 wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a si…

Much of that can be summed up in the classic adage, "marry your best friend," someone that you really enjoy hanging out with in any setting.

I totally agree with that. The parent comment contains the detailed description of, "marry your best friend."

And you can make checklist from that, to measure how "best friend" is your partner.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#140

Post by slackingoff2017 »

smileysteve wrote: post #130
geff82 wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a si…

> Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%. There has been a related post realizin…

If the family is accessible I've found this to be a wonderful proxy for compatibility. Is their family structure how you'd like yours? Do you get along with and easily make friends with other family members?

It's a good sign if your personality is compatible with the family and their way of life is what you're looking for.

It's of my top indicators, I've rarely found people that strayed very far from their family in personality, hobbies, and life outlook.

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