Why Parents Hate Parenting
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Why Parents Hate Parenting
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Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#2one page version:
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#3It's a lot of work. I think that's exacerbated by modern lifestyles. We're pulled in a thousand directions and we're less likely to live near relatives, which means that the support systems are not there like they used to be.
Kids demand you. Simple things like watching them playing is huge for them. If you try to understand what they're saying (already at a few months old), you'll be surprised to find it pretty cogent and clear. For example, in the article, the little boy was literally hitting his mother over the head to get her attention. But if you're not listening, you just get upset.
I didn't become parent because I think it will selfishly make me happier. I became a parent because I felt I would have something to offer a child and I wanted to give expression to that.
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#4Like everything in life, the thought of doing it, trumps the actual doing it. Finishing the basement, writing a novel, building the next great web app, raising kids all seem like great projects to embark on. But it's the dark night of the soul, when you're up for the 10 night in a row (or you have writer's block or you realize you shouldn't have cut that pipe, etc, etc).
Life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Speaking as a member of GenX, our lives are so damn easy most of the time, when we run into problems, we don't know how to handle it. However, we adjust.
I just can't imagine how grandma raised 9 kids with no ER or acute care and little money. Wars, the great depression, death of a child, she went through it all. And they did hard physical labor every day.
The thing is we adjust, it's hard at first, but we persevere.
When you watch your kid doing something you taught him, that's just not a feeling you get from purchasing a new iPad. When you sit in structure you built or use a product you built you'll know the feeling. It's hard to explain but in the end, it's worth it.
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#5I certainly don't have all the answers, but part of why parents hate parenting is a one-size-fits-all approach to what parents are "supposed" to do: issue time-outs, "recite the rules of the house to a 2 year-old," or overuse the good old "1, 2, 3...." There's no single golden path to parenting.
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#6The lens through which parenting is viewed here is too narrow. Parenting isn't about being happier. It is about being a bigger and better person. Children make your life BIGGER. You feel moments of happiness like you've never felt before. You also feel moments of anger like you've never felt before.
It really is indescribable and not for the faint of heart or the selfish. The beautiful thing about parenting is that it shows you who you really are (not who you think you are), and gives you chances every day to grow.
It makes you see what really matters in life, assuming you actually come to this realization. I've seen plenty of people not realize this and fight to keep their identity, their original idea of what they wanted for themselves while also trying to be a parent. That doesn't work.
Part of parenting is a certain amount of ego destruction. You have to go through that if you want to genuinely care for another human being.
This is what makes the experience of parenting so great. It is a kind of Zen experience of making yourself better by destroying your concept of self (and putting another 'self' first more than your own self would like).
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#7Of course, this should not be a surprise. If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re free)—well, it stands to reason that your own mental health would improve. When Kahneman and his colleagues did another version of his survey of working women, this time comparing those in Columbus, Ohio, to those in Rennes, France, the French sample enjoyed child care a good deal more than its American counterpart. “We’ve put all this energy into being perfect parents,” says Judith Warner, author of Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, “instead of political change that would make family life better.”
This is an important note. Despite the "family values" posturing of the American right wing, the "socialist" Europeans are actually far more pro-family than the conservatives who dominate (even now, having a sizeable minority of the Democratic party) in American politics.
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#8Of course, this should not be a surprise. If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re…
This is contradicted elsewhere in the article by the observation that families who could afford more childcare were _not_ necessarily happier.
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#9The lens through which parenting is viewed here is too narrow. Parenting isn't about being happier. It is about being a bigger and better person. Children make your life BIGGER. You feel moments of happiness like you've never felt before. You also feel moments of anger like you've never felt before. It really is indescribable and not for the faint of heart or the selfish. The beautiful thing about parenting is that i…
I so agree with this.
The whole "does it make my life happier" is such a shallow consumer thing.
When I was younger I led an interesting life in many ways but I have never had the intensity of experience I have with and about my children. Another really surprising thing was finding out how much I connect back with society - I want to be part of society and change it and make it better - I get what it is for.
Children are not a lifestyle accessory and as the poster above says they push you into all sorts of aspects of your self in all sorts of interesting ways.
The mixture of a startup and three small children has certainly been entertaining and there have been times when I am so exhausted I have nothing else to give but then to go and do something simple - like bathing the children or doing something in the garden with them and it makes it all worth while.
As I frequently find myself telling my children: Things in life that aren't challenging aren't worth while (possibly hyperbole but you get my point)
Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting
#10The lens through which parenting is viewed here is too narrow. Parenting isn't about being happier. It is about being a bigger and better person. Children make your life BIGGER. You feel moments of happiness like you've never felt before. You also feel moments of anger like you've never felt before. It really is indescribable and not for the faint of heart or the selfish. The beautiful thing about parenting is that i…
Yep. I agree.
I love being a dad. I love that my daughter looks up to me and wants to spend time with me. It's tough sometimes but kids are filled with so much love they more than make up for it. They're also inspiring to be around. Their attitude towards life is fun and refreshing.
I invest heavily in my daughter and will invest heavily in our next child as well. By that I mean spending a lot of time with them. I work at home most nights but only after my daughter is in bed and my wife and I have some time to hang out.
What I have seen is that some people just aren't interested in being parents and are not entirely sure how they got there. Life is hard sometimes even when you have it easy like I do but even on a hard day being a parent is still great.