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Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

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Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#111

Post by jacobush »

AcerbicZero wrote: post #43
scottLobster wrote: post #18

Seems like most of his advice could be summed up as: "Don't over-complicate the situation". To use his first example, when he's being insulted why spin off into emotional-analysis neverland? What's happening there is you're being abused by an asshole, and you should respond to said abuse and, once that situation is resolved, examine the real issue more thoroughly. I'm speaking as someone who used to think exactly lik…

He ends up with a solution that works for him, and I applaud that, but it requires allowing others to control his emotional state, which doesn't seem like such a great idea to me. I'd prefer to maintain a level of mindfulness towards emotions, and avoid allowing them to force a state of "emotional processing" along with the various actions required.

Not everyone can be vulkan. I can imagine your way works too, but it requires it's own work, lest you end up with pent up emotions.

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#112

Post by Cthulhu_ »

scottLobster wrote: post #18

Seems like most of his advice could be summed up as: "Don't over-complicate the situation". To use his first example, when he's being insulted why spin off into emotional-analysis neverland? What's happening there is you're being abused by an asshole, and you should respond to said abuse and, once that situation is resolved, examine the real issue more thoroughly. I'm speaking as someone who used to think exactly lik…

It's a matter of life experience I think. I used to be awkward in conversations and such, but I think mostly due to lack of practice. After a number of years, it's much easier to quickly recognise someone starting to talk to you and respond to a question fluently. And insecurity is a big factor there too. Either know thy worth, or stop giving a fuck.

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#113

Post by Kluny »

danielharrison wrote: post #38

An alternative approach I use to combat alpha-holes, and general abuse/anger is to not answer the question 100%, or answer with a lot of ambiguity. The goal is to raise more questions than you answer (don't answer them, just throw a curve ball). Couple it with some down-talking and you're good to go. This throws the attacker into a bit of mental confusion and their anger subsides instantly as they're trying to proces…

Being insulting doesn't really seem like the right way to go. I think I'd prefer something like "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't know what the problem is but yelling at me definitely isn't going to fix it! Come back and tell me about it once you've had time to chill out!"

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#114

Post by jventura »

mcappleton wrote: post #102
silassales wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> In general, no one cares. No one cares if you're partially wrong, no one cares if you're a little off or awkward, no one beyond your family/SO and close friends gives a flying fuck about your emotions. Took me awhile to figure this one out, but once I did, life was significantly better.

That's why if you can be a person who genuinely cares and show it, you can go very far in life

Following your suggestion, I would add that people should read "How to win friends & influence people" by Dale Carnegie.

The bottom line of the book is that people that want to get along fine with others should be wary of the other people's emotions. For instance, of the the first "principles" in the book is to not criticise, condemn or complain people openly, because people get defensive (an emotional reactional) when you do that, and you can't get nothing out of them. The rest of the chapters are also related with other people's emotions.

As for "genuinely cares", the book also talks about it in some chapters. What I could get out of it so far is that someone who listens with attention is mostly grasped as someone who genuinely cares about other people..

All in all, the bottom line of the book is all about "managing" the other people's emotional reactions..

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#115

Post by jventura »

rukuu001 wrote: post #98

This describes my personality perfectly. I learnt to cope with those situations by emotionally distancing myself from them. Then I'm free to respond more naturally.

I used to the same, but that didn't brought me anything good as I started ignoring my emotional state up to the point that people around me started saying that I was like a robot or something.

Lately, I've started to read some peer-reviewed research and book by researchers on emotions, and I've come to accept that emotions are mostly a biological mechanism which allows for a faster reaction to inputs (from external inputs or internal inputs - thoughts) before your intellect has time to process those inputs.

The book "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman has a very interesting chapter (Anatomy of an Emotional Hijackin) that tries to explain biologically what happens with emotions. The idea is that some of the sensory inputs, for instance, visual, are sent to the amygdala as well as to the visual cortex. But since the visual cortex has to do some processing which takes time, the amygdala has a faster but sloppier response. For instance, someone throws a ball into you while you're looking away. You can grasp something by the corner of your eye, and then you raise your arms to defend yourself. Only later you see that it was an inoffensive beach ball. The first reaction was by the amygdala while the identification of the ball was done slowly by the visual cortex..

So now I try to enforce a small amount of time to understand my emotional feedback mechanism before reacting to things. But if it's a shark coming my way, I flee, of course. You learn a lot about your self and your own beliefs by listening to your automatic emotional responses before commiting yourself to any action/reaction. For the case of the coworker, ideally I would say him to slowdown, unless I knew beforehand he was a jerk, and maybe I could be more prepared..

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#116

Post by pm90 »

scottLobster wrote: post #82
pm90 wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This deserves to be the topmost comment in this thread. I don't know if its a common problems among people, but even though I know these facts, I can't help but not be affected by gaffes or embarrassments in a rather traumatic way sometimes. This makes slights by others even more painful. Perhaps its a part of my subconscious mind but I have been working on it for a while. My reactions are less intense but I think I…

Same here. In my case it took years of self-imposed exposure therapy, forcing myself into various social situations and staying mindful of my reactions. I ended up making an ass of myself more times than I care to remember, but the sky didn't fall, and eventually the anxiety impulse faded and I got better at social interaction. I agree the hardest part was teaching myself not to obsess. My natural urge was to analyze…

You might be on to something. I've noticed that after working out I tend to be a lot more relaxed and not care as much about these things. Inversely, if I haven't worked out for a long time, I get incredibly anxious and over analyze every damn thing.

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#117

Post by socrates666 »

swayvil wrote: post #55

I was did a contract at a local engineering shop a year ago. Tech writing. The engineers were INCREDIBLE ASSHOLES. Really cold and dickish, to me that is. But to each other! JEEZ. Cliquish, abusive and just fucking mean. Total lord of the flies shit. Really toxic. I had a serious talk with a couple of the more abused ones. Told them, "no, it isn't you, it's them. You need to quit." I've seen some places that were a b…

Cliques within large companies like Microsoft are common actually. From a higher perspective, it is a subset of people who agree to a particular fiction, and they live by it.

So, for example, there is the "Indian Brotherhood" within Microsoft (NOT being racist, it is THEIR term). There are people who send in doubles to interview for them (to help you understand: at Microsoft you interview with a team you won't be working on, and on top of that, several months to a year may pass between the interview and when you actually start work). Such that, it becomes the case that the guy who shows up on day 1 is not the guy who passed the interview a few months ago. If you are a manager, and maybe you came from India and were hired in by the same route, you may feel an overwhelming social obligation to protect persons like this. It becomes the case that anyone who shows disgust, or judgement whatsoever is now a threat to them. On top of that, you have an incredible amount of leverage over this person. They have demonstrated that they are willing to lie, cheat and live a totally false life in order to impress family that lives across the seas. That person is your bitch now, and they'd better do whatever you say, or you will reveal them as a fraud/fire them (or so they think).

Reality sucks so hard.

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#118

Post by mcappleton »

jventura wrote: post #114
mcappleton wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's why if you can be a person who genuinely cares and show it, you can go very far in life

Following your suggestion, I would add that people should read "How to win friends & influence people" by Dale Carnegie. The bottom line of the book is that people that want to get along fine with others should be wary of the other people's emotions. For instance, of the the first "principles" in the book is to not criticise, condemn or complain people openly, because people get defensive (an emotional reactional) wh…

You hit the nail on the head! I'm actually reading that book right now.

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#119

Post by n4r9 »

gboudrias wrote: post #84

This is amateur psychology, and it's mostly wrong. Psychology is a real field and writing about what you don't know in this field can do more harm than good. I stopped at: > Getting anger out requires some physical activity to get the adrenaline to metabolize. This has been disproven. "Letting it out" only leads you to be more aggressive. Maybe at a more appropriate time, but still, it doesn't "calm you down". Time a…

The article begins "This is a story about myself." It seems clear the author is not trying to expound on modern psychology. They are describing the mental framework that they have found useful to understand their own thoughts and behaviour.

Re: Introverts, Emotional Processing, Self-Esteem and Salary Negotiations

#120

Post by eksemplar »

rimliu wrote: post #110
eksemplar wrote: post #107

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Anything that divides people into introverts or extroverts is humbug. It's true that some people are more introverted than others in certain situations, but as a general rule, everyone are both things. Preferring to stay home and read a book rather than socialize at a bar is an introverted trait, but dungeon mastering (or even participating) in a role playing event is extroverted. Being unsure what to say at lunch is…

Pretending something does not exist will not make it to go away. Yes, you will hardly find pure introvert or extrovert, but you will find plenty of people not in the middle of the scale and those can be called introverts or extroverts. It's like claiming that gays and straight people do not exist because there are no 100% gay or 100% straight people. Yes introverts do some "extroverted" stuff, and may be even very go…

I'm not really pretending, it's a scientific fact proven empiricaly, but by all means go a head and believe in fairies if you want.
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