Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#111

Post by taternuts » Wed, Jul 19, 2017, 8:23 PM UTC

I almost tried accept and live with my loneliness for years as I thought I would need practice later on in life. It actually wasn't _all_ that bad, but I'm probably not a normal person. What got me a bit out of my shell was going out on dates from tinder or other dating platforms, and really you should venture into it as "I'd love to go to {XYZ} and check it out, I just feel weird (tons of anxiety) going by myself. It'd be great to just meet someone else there and try to enjoy the place together, regardless of whether or not it'll go anywhere relationship-wise."

I find it still really hard to make male friends as a male. I've even gotten numbers from other guys who I've met at a bar and had a blast with all night, but it's still just a little bit weird to call the guy afterwards. In order to make male friends, I think it takes a shared interest in something and repetition. Maybe through a meetup or a weekly rec-league dodgeball game or something that you wouldn't hate dragging yourself to.

Making that first step _is_ tough though. Good thing is that it's usually the toughest.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#112

Post by roryisok » Wed, Jul 19, 2017, 8:30 PM UTC

ultrablue wrote: post #8

I've been dealing with just this issue. I, too, am an introvert and require time alone after socializing to 'recharge.' I had a fairly intense bout of depression recently, I realized that it was in part due to do loneliness. So I did some introspection and talked things over with a trusted advisor. So some things to consider in no particular order: Shame about being lonely drives people to feel more lonely. Don't let…

> Are you religious? Go to church (or sangha or whatever). Got an addiction? Go to a 12 step group meeting.

That escalated quickly!

> Like board games? Find folks that like to play and hang out with them.

This one is definitely good advice. Introverts find it easier to mix with fellow introverts. I speak from experience. I can trace an awful lot of friends back to various magic the gathering sessions or lan parties

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#113

Post by GoodDreams » Wed, Jul 19, 2017, 8:32 PM UTC

I was part of a caring community for years. When Trump was nominated they decided that in order to support women men must be silent. It's been a lonely year. It's hard to make friends when you don't drink or care about sports.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#114

Post by roryisok » Wed, Jul 19, 2017, 8:35 PM UTC

hluska wrote: post #47

If you're anywhere near Regina, Canada, my name is Greg and my email is in my profile. I'll take you out and introduce you to the finest people I know. That aside, you've received some excellent advice in this thread. I won't reiterate any of it. Instead, I just want to say that you're very brave to come here and make a post like that. I wish you the absolute best. Feel free to email me if I can be of any help.

There should be an app that's like tinder for meeting other like minded people. Like when you move to Regina, Canada and see that there's an awesome guy called Greg who will introduce you to cool people

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#115

Post by mathgenius » Wed, Jul 19, 2017, 9:05 PM UTC

SergeAx wrote: post #105

muzuq wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It seems like dancing is a super popular suggestion. I keep saying to myself that I'd be no good and it'd be embarassing, not to mention I'm not (never have been) a "dancer" but I'm thinking this swarm intellect might have a point... And perhaps I should seriously consider signing up for a beginner dance class. Any reason why Tango is where the nerds end up?

Here's ~5 years tango dancer @ HN :) From where I am now tango actually seems an unnatural choice for nerds. Of all the social dances tango is one of the most intimate in terms of personal space, which makes any nerd nervous and clumsy. On the other hand, it seems like one of the least physically demanding - check out Buenos-Aires 70+ grandpas on YouTube. I think it is a combination of two: crave for intimacy plus ac…

Just to widen the definition of nerd a little: doctors, engineers, artists, scientists, architects... There seems to be alot of deeply intelligent & smart people in Tango.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#116

Post by navbaker » Wed, Jul 19, 2017, 9:13 PM UTC

notheguyouthink wrote: post #79

navbaker wrote: post #67

I am extremely introverted, but one of the social activities I've found that actually DOESN'T drain me is going to game nights at my local game stores. Most stores have something going on every night, ranging from standard issue board games to RPGs to miniatures tabletop games. It's amazingly easy to make friends when you're all engrossed in whatever setting you're gaming in!

Do these types of events have spectator focused areas? Eg, I'm a bit of a gamer (not much these days) , but frankly tabletop/etc doesn't really interest me. Despite that, the idea of going and watching the crowd, almost like a coffee shop, sounds really enjoyable. Like a coffee shop with the added bonus of everyone having similar interests. Who knows, the wife and I may make some friends too, or take part. However, I…

Usually there isn't a spectator area per se, but spectators are always welcome. Most people are very excited to answer questions about their game of choice, strategy, what to buy to get in to the game, etc. Trust me, I'm well aware of how intimidating it is to walk in somewhere you haven't been before for a game you may not have played before, but once you mention you're new and interested, you'll be amazed at how welcome most people will make you feel. Most game stores also have demo sets of whatever game you're watching so you can test drive before you buy.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#117

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Jul 19, 2017, 9:36 PM UTC

muzuq wrote: post #16

nyrulez wrote: post #13

Some options that I have tried and have helped: - Try Meetup.com. Endless options there. Don't be afraid to be awkward. Read about social skills and practice them. - Be a better friend and initiate contact with people you know - don't wait for them. - Also make a list of all people/friends you know local or non-local. Refer to that list and keep in touch. This is harder than it looks but is important. I was surprised…

Solid advice, thanks. As for some of your suggestions, it's not that I have a laundry list of out-of-touch friends. I keep in touch with every one of my good friends from High School and College. The problem is, that list is about | | Thank-you.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#118

Post by lhuser123 » Thu, Jul 20, 2017, 12:58 AM UTC

muzuq wrote: post #97

lhuser123 wrote: post #26

Thanks for this question. I think many people will be curious about the comments here. In my case, I have stopped thinking about it. Admittedly, some days it's not so easy, but the next day it's gone. What can I say. Some people like parties, others like strange things, and we like to be alone.

I'm very happy to see such a lively, helpful discussion sparked from my post. May I ask what you do on the days that it is bothering you? Do you just keep going until it doesnt bother you? I find that I can do this, and have been doing this. It's just lately... The days I'm stuck living and feeling my loneliness outweigh the days I forget about it.

That's a good question. I have been thinking a lot about it to try to give you an honest answer. Or maybe, give myself an answer.

As always, is complicated. Probably two major things happening. First, years of practice. Second, a new hobby/hope.

For years of practice, what I mean is, for example what I learned about myself while talking to a therapist. Also techniques from books, blogs, videos, etc. More interesting, and probably more important is what I have learn about how the mind works. That really helps.

The hobby/hope/purpose or whatever they want a call it, it's very helpful. I'll even say it's necessary. It has to be big, like the coolest thing ever. To make you wake up every morning thinking about it. Many of the activities recommended here could be a good option, but only if they would help you achieve that cool thing you like.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#119

Post by kody » Thu, Jul 20, 2017, 4:03 PM UTC

Use Meetup.com to find people with similar interests. Write down a list of things you enjoy doing with other people (hiking, board games, whiskey tastings), join 15-20 Meetup groups, and start attending meetups that appeal to you. This helped me find a group of hikers and discovered lesser-known hiking spots after moving to a new city.

I am an introvert, and meetups are a good way for me to control the circumstances and volume of socializing in my life.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#120

Post by drakonka » Thu, Jul 20, 2017, 4:34 PM UTC

I'm like you - an introvert who likes being alone, just not all the time. And sometimes I just feel like hanging out with some new friends. I think meeting people isn't the primary problem, though - I just don't put in the effort to stay in touch with the people I do meet because most of the time I don't crave outside company or conversation. So when I do feel like being social, the connection is just not there - that is on me.

I recently joined a hiking group on Meetup.com and it looks promising. Being out in nature with other people who enjoy being out in nature, being active, seems like a good way to meet new people in a more relaxed setting (that is, not a loud bar or work event). Then the onus will be on me to stay in touch with at least a couple of them, but even if I don't there will always be the next hike where we could catch up.