Rust is probably what you are looking for.
> a functional language
Has closures.
Has pattern matching.
Has algebraic data types (however variants can't have generic parameters not present on the data type itself, but you can use trait objects to do that).
Functions that don't take &mut parameters, & parameters with types with interior mutability and don't call functions that do I/O are pure (although they may not terminate and may abort).
> optional lazy constructs
"Automatic" lazy costructs are usually unnecessary and thus almost never used, but can be implemented as a library using macros.
Can also just use closures and call them explicitly.
> great polymorphism
Has trait/typeclass polymorphism with either monomorphization or dynamic dispatch.
Structures can't be inherited, but composition gives equivalent results and is the proper way to do it.
There have been several proposals for inheriting structures though, so maybe it will be available at some point, despite not being advisable.
> statically typed with inference
Yep.
> generics
Yup.
Not higher kinded, no constant integer parameters and not variadic yet, but those features should be available in the future.
> great concurrency story
Rust is the only popular language supporting safe concurrency without giving up the ability to share memory between threads.
> an efficient GC
It turns out that a GC is unnecessary, and that reference counting is enough, which is what Rust provides (although it's still relatively rarely used).
If you insist on a tracing GC, there are/have been several attempts to add it, and maybe there will be a mature one in the future.
In particular, there is a "rust-gc" crate, and Servo has a working integration with the SpiderMonkey GC, which I suppose should be possible for others to use with some work.
> compiles quickly
Work in progress (incremental compilation, more parallelization).
> self contained binaries
Yes (or optionally using shared libraries).
> simple and effective tooling which takes only seconds to setup
rustup can install the compiler and package manager in one line.
If you want an IDE, you'll have to install that too separately. Work in progress on improving IDE functionality and ease of use.
> giving you perfomance that equals java and can rival C
Performance is at least theoretically the same as C since the generated assembly code is conceptually the same (other than array bounds checking, which can be opted out from with unsafe code).
> low memory footprint
Same as C.