I could use some encouragement and life advice. I apologize if this ends up being long and whiny.
I feel like I'm stuck on the outside of the part of society where all the meaningful intellectual work happens.
Since I was a child I have always aspired to learn from the scientists and engineers and humanitarians so that I could be like them one day. I've read Hamming, Feynman, Norvig, Herbert Alexander Simon, and felt that those were the people who have gotten it right, that that's what life should be about. Explore the world, do hard, honest work of figuring things out and building something new that helps people realize their potential and live better. Find the math behind the mundane and harness it to improve the human condition.
But I've been struggling with depression for years and I'm ashamed of how I spent my time in university. I feel that I haven't found a mentor or path of my own. I've constantly felt overwhelmed and let down by myself and by the system. I feel that I don't have the skills or the resolve to just plow ahead and do things. I feel that whenever I try to do research, or write, or even think out loud it ends up with a mockery of the real thing.
Right now I've graduated from a five-year course in computational linguistics, did half a year of antidepressants, half a year of advanced math seminars and moved to Israel for a change of scenery. I would really like to find a collective here where I could learn and solve real problems. Join a startup or do a PhD.
I still have a crippling case of impostor syndrome and occasional panic attacks. If any of you here have suggestions — however specific or general, — I would really appreciate it.