Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

1–10 of 22 posts

Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

#1

Post by rrepubli »

It's a bit odd to ask this question on a tech forum but I will give it a try. I am from India. I work for a company in US and live in PNW region. I am almost 32. I am finding it very hard to marry. I dont have six packs but I would say I am in shape. I have accepted my baldness and I don't think much of it now. Although, it bothers me sometime when I am lonely.

I am trying to find Indian woman I can marry. Recently, I met 5 Indian women. Despite what is being said in the media, I felt that cards are stacked against men. I don't believe in caste or religion and my parents are cool with any girl I marry to. When I met these women, all of them have had at least 1 or 2 boyfriends. I dont expect my wife to be a virgin, but I am expecting someone with no relationship experience. That's because I never had girlfriend or I never was in a relationship. All these women said they drink alcohol quite often. I would be okay with drinking alcohol once in a while but daily/weekly is definitely no.

I have had same experience with dating women in US. I went on quite a few dates but never turned into anything serious.

Throughout my 20s I focused on studies, building career and now I am finding that I missed in dating/relationships area. Working hard was the only choice I had. I grew up in lower middle class family so study and work were only things known to me.

I maintain good hygiene and can converse well. I dont have specific hobby as such but I like reading, soccer and hiking.

I feel my life is incomplete without a woman on my side. I see so many couples and honestly I feel jealous.

I am a bit concerned if I can ever find a decent woman to marry who doesn't drink and haven't gone partying throughout her 20s.

Is this a midlife crisis? What can I do? I don't think I will be ever able to accept a girl who is just marrying me for the resources.

Re: Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

#3

Post by mjhoyer »

What about an Indian dating site or app? I met my now wife through okcupid a few years ago and we couldn't be a better match. My dating life before okcupid was non existent. I also had a hard time online and took a lot of work but I don't think I would have went on as many dates with people that matched the attributes I was looking for without using a website that filtered out a lot of that. You can easily exclude the drinkers, smokers, etc. There will be disappointments but it's a numbers game and you'll find someone if you keep at it. There's a lid for every pot as they say.

If that doesn't work maybe ask your parents to do a traditional Indian wedding where they do match you with someone. But I'd go the online route first if your family isn't traditional.

Good luck!

https://www.quora.com/Which-are-the-best-online-dating-sites...

Re: Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

#4

Post by 3131s »

You said it yourself. You expect a woman in her 30s with no relationship experience who hardly ever drinks alcohol. Without saying anything about those preferences, it's only a small number of women who fit that requirement.

Do you have the same requirements for male friends? If not, why does a relationship like marriage need to be different? I understand that you want someone who shares your experience in not having had a relationship, but consider that you are in an increasingly small group as you get older and the type of people in that group probably tend to be reclusive and not meet each other anyway. I would encourage you to consider if sharing that experience is really so important in the bigger picture.

Re: Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

#5

Post by NTDF9 »

I've been hearing a lot of this from people in tech and I think I know the reason why this happens to guys like you.

Here are some of my observations:

- You are in tech, so you are possibly an introverted nerd. Which means, you feel drained with social interaction. Unfortunately, women won't come without interaction

- You are in tech, so your profession requires constant studying and updating skills, which means less time outside, meeting and interacting with women

- You are in tech, you allowed companies to make your life miserable with stupid interview processes, perf reviews, PIPs etc. Ever occurred to you how much you are compromising in your life to "win" at these stupid artificial processes?

- You are an Indian in the US. I'm guessing on H1b. Which means you are basically a modern day slave unfortunately. Do you realize how much freer people are back in India? If real life is more important to you than substandard life in US, go back to India. Seriously, life in India is FREEDOM. Live in some nice cities, meet people, meet neighbors, celebrate festivals

- You are in tech, so you are more comfortable with computers than with people. Women are not computers

- Your go-to place to ask such an issue is HN? Perhaps cut down time in front of the screen and meet real people. This action of yours gives a clue as to how unhealthy your relationship with computers is

- You are seriously behind socially. There's no other way to put this. Women are humans, they have social and emotional needs. A healthy woman will have had some relationships. You haven't had a relationship before? Guess what, most healthy people in their 20s do. You are the odd man out, nothing changed with women

Now you know why so many people choose not to do STEM?

Re: Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

#6

Post by super-serial »

Sounds like you like traditional women. If a girl like that didn't drink in her twenties and focused on her studies or career like you, why shouldn't she expect a guy with resources? She's a good catch. Traditional girls want to focus on family life and their kids so money ensures they could be free to do that.

Since you want good catches don't accept being bald. You can get hair transplants if needed. You should take a realistic look at yourself and think if being bald makes you look like the Indian Jason Stathom or if it makes you look less appealing. My guess is the latter because most under 40 yr old guys can't pull it off. After fixing the bald issue look for other ways to improve yourself.

Finally start meeting the right women. Go to traditional Indian supermarkets. Find meetups for Indian professionals. If dating sites aren't working you might need to try harder to meet the traditional types you like. If you can't find that in America take some trips to India. Don't care what other people say... go somewhere that you can meet the women you want.

Re: Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

#9

Post by rollingpebbles »

5 isn't very many at all. Try harder. It may take 10 or 100 more. Social activities, sports, churches, universities or interest groups are the best places.

I wouldn't rush into marriage, because it's the best way to rush into divorce.

https://video.vice.com/en_us/video/inside-america39s-billion...

Re: Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days?

#10

Post by gamechangr »

I can understand not wanting someone who drinks regularly.

I can understand wanting to find an Indian girl -especially if you're Indian.

I can understand not wanting to date someone who has slept with too many men, especially because it sounds like you haven't?

You clearly wrote this looking for feedback, so let me speak about what sticks out to me about your comments. I think it's a bit odd that you want them to have "no relationship experience". So they need to be 18, socially awkward, or career driven. If they're 18 or Career driven, they may not be interested in you. That just leaves "socially awkward".

I think you should reconsider that qualification and should be open to having a relationship with a woman who has had a few (not hundreds) of relationships before. It's my opinion - and experience - that women need a few relationships to really find themselves.

I hope that helps.

Post reply on HN