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Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

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Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

#1
I am a mid 20s white male who has been afforded immense privilege in life. I am outwardly extremely confident and able to get what I want. I have dozens of opportunities in front of me, more than 99% of people. Yet instead of being grateful for these opportunities, I feel like I do not deserve them. As a result, I frequently begin an endeavor, see some initial success, but then self destruct just prior to an inflection point, thus destroying any chance of future success.

This happens everywhere. School, athletics, relationships, businesses. Because I feel I do not deserve what I have, I self-destruct before I can take anything to the next level. It seems to be a subconscious attempt at equalizing my reality with what I feel I deserve.

I believe the cause of this is overthinking everything. I am analytical and often overzealous in my choice of analysis. I feel like I am observing myself from the third person. What I see, I don't like.

How do I get over this self-loathing? Do I need to stop overthinking? Is that even possible? Do I just need to accept this state of mind and seize control of it?

Re: Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

#2
Seek professional help. You've identified a symptom, now the best thing you can do is get the right person to help you explore the cause and fix it. Whether that is a personal coach, or a licenced psychiatrist, I leave at your discretion.

Just do it, it's a google search away from you.

Re: Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

#3
I live by a philosophy: Don't get greedy. Do your best.

In my 20s.. I thought too much. So much I'd get lost in there. So much I'd have entire relationships with women before even knowing their name. SO much that I would create scenarios and play out the entire thing in my head before it happened. So much that I barely slept and when I did, it was the only peace I had.

I was in college and felt like a "grownup" yet not. I had to work, I had to go to class. There were things I just had to do, but what constitutes being "an adult"? I wrote about it here: http://www.confessionsoftheprofessions.com/children-pretendi...

Anyways, you are in your 20s. I am now in my 30s and I wish someone would have given me advice that I could've understood then. But this might be something of what I would have told myself:

You are still exploring life and it is perfectly okay to make mistakes -- so long as you do no serious harm to anyone or yourself. You get this life to live. That's it. There are many other people who won't make it past their 20s. I hate to say it, but it could be your close friends. Mortality is all too common and all of us can and will die.

Do not take any moment for granted and just teach yourself to be aware of your surrounding and other people. Don't always talk about yourself. Listen to what others have to say. Travel. Learn how to take care of yourself (some exercise and good eating required) because you get one body to live in. Don't think about it. Just do it. Know that you will fail at a lot, but you will also learn a lot. You will have successes in many of the things you do as well.

Try to call your parents at least two or three times a week. Try to keep in touch with your siblings at least two or three times a week. Go visit if you can. Go explore. Volunteer for a few months and do some good in a community. Go live in another country if you can. Teach English. Get a degree in something. Study something you want to know more about. Don't be afraid to ask any girl you want out. What's the worst she is going to do? Tell you no. She's doing you a favor. When looking to be with someone, it is not all about sex. Find someone who makes you happy and who is pleasant to be around. Find your best friend. Here is the worst part of the advice: Don't look for it. Don't look for her. Just be aware that a girl you like could be her. Just enjoy your life. She'll come eventually. Go on a few dates and don't be afraid of letting her know what you are looking for. You need to experience the opposite sex to know what you like and what you don't like. To do this, you need to learn how to become comfortable with yourself and develop a sense of humor and you need to become comfortable with being around people, especially the opposite sex.

Make sure you pick up skills that are valuable for the next decade or two. College only helps you get so far, but you're going to find out that you aren't special when you and everyone else have a degree in Liberal Arts or English. Sure, you'll get a job, but it'll probably be a job you don't like. So pick up a hobby and learn about something you like and start thinking about what you could do to help others that will also help pay the bills. Learn how to talk to people. Learn how to interview. Learn the difference between telling people something and telling them what they want to hear.

Coming back to the point about don't get greedy and do your best: be fair with pricing, if you decide to ever charge people, be fair with people. It is also okay to donate to charity or help out a homeless person or people who are struggling. Don't do it to the point where you become homeless yourself or forget to take care of yourself, but go talk to a person who is "down and out" and understand what happened. Everyone has a story to tell. You'll be amazed at just how human that person is.

You are going to go through a bunch of jobs you don't like, but learn how to deal with them. Don't get comfortable though, because you won't be staying. You are learning to deal with and tolerate bullshit. Keep moving on until you find a job you love, but aim to be your own boss.

Most of all: stop overthinking. It doesn't change anything. You need to find a balance between thinking and doing. Go for a long walk. Go for a hike. Learn how to meditate. Calm your mind. It does not always need to be thinking about something. Definitely know that you aren't the only one going through it. If you ask your friends, they will likely agree they do it too.

Always be ambitious and trying to aim to do something good with your life that will help not only yourself, but others. We're all trying to "progress to that next level" but really, there is no levels. We all pretty much just keep going and maybe even pretending that we know what we're doing. We really don't. But as long as we keep trying, we'll be alright.

Everything is going to be alright.

Finally, I listen to a lot of music, and while I love Pink Floyd and it has gotten me through the toughest times of my life.

There are three songs that truly helped me understand life's philosophy:

You can't always get what you want (but if you try sometimes, you get what you need).

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

Don't worry, be happy.

This is all part of life. Everything you are experiencing. You may have anxiety or depression or feel insane... and to live in our world, you need to have those. Accept your flaws and use them to get to the next day, to each and every day, for the rest of your life. From every moment that seems like a failure to every moment that is a success. Keep going. I've lost friends and best friends who never made it out of their 20s. My mission is to keep on going to experience what life is like, what it could be like, and what it is. I don't just do it for myself, but I do it to live a full life for them, because they will never get to have that chance ever again, at least as themselves.

Life is too precious. We shouldn't be alive. We are rare to live on Earth at this time in the exact spot that we do that supports our lives. We are all going to be dead for way longer than we are alive, so we need to be appreciative and enjoy the life that we were given. You will only be you once. Never again. Whether we talk of heaven, hell, or rebirth: you will get to be you once. Make the best of being you.

Re: Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

#4
1) Read No more Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover

2) Think about what your goal is in life.

3) Persue this goal with all of your might.

Bonus: Start improve your body. It's hard but you see progress that you earned. (NO team sport, something you will achieve out of your own strength and willpower not relying on anybody else)

Re: Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

#6
I went through something like this.

What your emotions are getting conflicted on is the idea of learning your real limitations. Because, despite appearances of competence and opportunity, you've surely got flaws that would prevent you from doing something someone else would find easy. One of them is manifest right now, in that you're bailing before the commitments get too intense. This happens within youth fairly often, even when no graceful exit is possible and it's the rationally correct decision to stick with a commitment. Other people, already people younger than you, even, have gone and made hugely consequential decisions without thinking twice. Some of them are dead, so maybe you're doing all right.

What an older person tends to figure out is that they are only getting more limited and closer to an end as time goes on, which makes them more motivated to focus on relative strengths and weaknesses. They will exit the situation when it plays to their weaknesses and saps their energy, and stay in and struggle when it fits their strengths and motivations.

It's hard to see, though, what you are doing when you're living it every day. Somehow you ended up on HN. But why HN, and not anywhere else? Do you know how you got here, or why you stay here?

These are things you can pick apart by journaling, collecting data, and trying to challenge your internal narratives. The "why" of what you do never really gets answered(because it's philosophical, hence it never reaches an end), but if you're occupying your time with struggles that you feel are worthwhile to you personally, and not just escaping forever, that's probably a good life.

Re: Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

#7

I live by a philosophy: Don't get greedy. Do your best. In my 20s.. I thought too much. So much I'd get lost in there. So much I'd have entire relationships with women before even knowing their name. SO much that I would create scenarios and play out the entire thing in my head before it happened. So much that I barely slept and when I did, it was the only peace I had. I was in college and felt like a "grownup" yet n…

Thank you for this.

Re: Ask HN: How to stop overthinking everything in my life?

#10
post #2

Seek professional help. You've identified a symptom, now the best thing you can do is get the right person to help you explore the cause and fix it. Whether that is a personal coach, or a licenced psychiatrist, I leave at your discretion. Just do it, it's a google search away from you.

He says the problem is too much introspection. Unless he's suicidal, booking time every week to engage in further introspection sounds like a bad idea.

If I were the OP, I would tackle the problem by scheduling more time every week being active, and being social. Fortunately, it sounds like he has plenty of opportunities to do so, so it's just a matter of consciously spending less time alone.

It's difficult to have a “dark night of the soul” while you're chatting with somebody in a steakhouse, or tossing a frisbee around.

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